I need some help and advise for potty training.

I started to potty train my son 3 weeks ago.  He was doing fine up until 2 weeks ago.  When I say fine I mean he learned num1 in 2 days and num2 with occasional accidents.  About 2 weeks ago I noticed one day he skipped num2 and then it all started from there. He is holding it in all day long and refuses to go though still goes once a day right before bed because he cant hold it in any longer.  Its like a big process now.  Half hour before bed time we quite play and finaly he goes on his potty after many tears.  We do the reward system that he very much enjoys, the happy dance, and all the encouraging things you can find in the book.   We do it all.  Through out the day he always tells me he has to go and stands funny by holding it in so I know he has to go.  We sit on the potty a few times a day for a long period of time be he just doesnt let it out.  Why?  I give him metamucil once a day in his drink because Im afraid that his stools are hard and hurt him but when he goes they dont appear hard and nor does he cry.  But he does cry through out the day when he has to go.  When he does finaly go he is a happy go lucky kid and everything is great.  I think from the one day when he held it in ,2 weeks ago, and went it must've been painful so he is afraid of going now.  Ok fine, but its been like 2 weeks now and I see no improvement.  Im begining to feel like this will never end.  He suffers through out the day because he has to go and it makes our lives almost miserable especialy seeing him in pain.  I just dont know what to do.  We also put him back into the feel n learn pull ups thinking maybe he is afraid of the potty and just go in the pull up but no its dry the whole day and doesnt help him with going.  I dont care where he goes pants, pull ups as long as he goes and nothing seems to help.  Any advise for me PLEASE, and how long does this usualy last.

[Trialanderror]

Hi Hazel, I remember from your previous post that your son is only 26 months old and only just started potty training 3 weeks ago. Unless you are both really lucky, the process of toilet "success" has only just begun with all its ups and downs. Most boys will first be interested in experimenting with toilet training only to lose interest in it soon after. My feeling from your post is that right now you should rather back off a bit, even if reward charts are a very positive gesture. Your son may sense that the new experience has gone from experimental to conditional and might long to be the master of his own BM-fate again. You can sure help him with fibrous diet and lots of liquids to keep the BM smooth but try not to add to the tension pychologically, if you can. It is one area in child development that is steered by the child only, as long as he knows where the BM oes in theory, he has all the tools he needs.

[Trialanderror]

I know what you mean. I too went through a long phase with my son where I was as calm about it as possible and left it up to him to even go back in diapers. It was almost as if he decided that it must be good enough to do #1 properly but wanted to exercise his free spririt regarding #2. It took months for me treating it casually before he was ready the second time around... You are taking the best approach you can, just add patience to it...LOL. Actually, the day he changed his mind about doing #2 in his underwear was when we bought a cool seat that fit on top of the big toilet. It had handles on both sides and that seemed to make a huge difference to him. And is was cushioned and warmer than a potty plastic. Try not to get too frustated. Your son is still so young. Most boys don`t even wake up to the thought until 3.

[Hazel30]

I agree with you.  Yes he will be 27 months in a few days.  I dont force it on him at all.  It all began with just trying because he refused to wear diapers and kept taking them off so I figured I'ld try.  It worked out great in the begining. Now Im even willing to go back to diapers just so that he can go regularly without any problems.  Every day I try to make the process very smooth, I dont ask him if he has to go or remind him Im actualy just hoping he just goes in his pull up to get him back into diapers and then restart in a few months.  But it seems like he doestn want to.  He asks me to pee all the time but when it comes down to num2 he just holds it in until he cant hold it in any longer.  At first I thought he doesnt have the patientcy to sit on the potty for long enough then I figured out a few games and tricks to keep him on the potty for a little longer.  But he just sits there and doesnt go.  Once he gets up then he again starts to dance around the house saying he has to go.  

I just realy dont know what to do at this point.  I dont know what happened that made him be so afraid of this.  

[Hazel30]

I wish he just would go back to diapers for his sake, but he doesnt seem to want that.  I have him in a pull up all day and its dry.  Still asks for pee and num2.  When asks for num2, we sit on potty and off he goes.  Sometimes I get him to sit for a while but he does nothing.  It seems like he only goes when he cant hold it in anymore and thats in the evenings at the end of his daily struggle.  Im doing everything I possibly can and am very calm about it.  I cant even get frustrated because I feel bad for him by seeing him in pain.  

Im just becoming very worried for his health because I cant see it being OK by holding in your bowels everyday.  I mean he eventualy goes but that still cant be good for him.  Im so afraid he may ruin his digestive system or something.  

Should we go see his pedi, but how can they help.  I cant seem to persuade him into not holding in his bowels.

[Hazel30]

Oh no thanks for replying, its very helpful.  Wow sounds like my son is just like your son.  No his stools are not hard and I do give him a teaspoon a day of metamucil just to keep it soft because Im always afraid of his stool being hard and hurting him.  His stool was hard that one day a few weeks back which started this whole thing.  It must have realy hurt him then to stick in his memory like this.  Yes he is going once a day otherwise I would have been going nutts at this point and so would he.  Your right, I do think it is a phsycologica thing not a physical.  He too waits until the very last minute and I know whent its realy comming because he starts hopping around the house on his tipy toes and crying.  (thats how he holds it in)  He does that though several times a day for a few seconds and goes away, but in the evenings he cant hold it in anymore.  I calmly ask him if he has to go use the potty and he refuses all the time so I let him be because I dont want to scare him and put pressure on him.  I just dont know if this is normal when people potty train their kids because I realy dont know many who have kids so to me it seems like this is a serious thing.  Im starting to feel guilty thinking that I started to early, but I never pressured him into it at all he sort of just got it.  He pees standing up and holds his pee pee straight into potty and seems like he realy got this down.  

I hope he gets the hang of this soon.  How long did it take your son to actualy go  and not fight into holding his bowels?

[Trialanderror]

Sorry if it`s same old me again replying - but - when he does #2, is it really hard = constipated or did that only happen once? It sounds like he is actually going once a day which is perfect, no matter what. Pediatricians would probably recommend fibres and prune juice but you are already doing all that. If it were the psychology, a child psychologist would be the one, but that is rather if your 5- or 6-year-old still soils his pants. I can tell you that even my son still waits until the very very last minute before he rushes to the washroom. He does stand funny a little while before that happens and if I dare to ask whether he has to use the washroom, he gets all upset. He had to learn the timing between feeling the urge and rushing himself and feels insulted if someone else interferes with his timing. Once your son gets the hang of it - trust me, it will come - you will shake off the memory of mountains of smelly laundry. I know it is tough.

[Trialanderror]

I should not tell you how long it took...you will just be in despair....but it was another 6 months. Mind you, we  had some special issues. My son had been fully trained with #1 within a week and #2 within about a month initially on his own terms - and that was at age 3. And then, half a year later, he forgot all about the BM training after he went through some stressful situation with a move and surgery. It was almost like the control over his BMs was the only area where he must have felt to still be in control. So you see, he started much later and he was only fully toilet trained the second time around on his 4th birthday.
Initially I thought that phase would maybe take a week or two but started to get really impatient and angry after a month. I tried talking to him why he did this but after 2 months I realized I should just drop the subject and let him know each time it went into his pants that he can always try to get to the washroom next time. We had a special issue that the other part of his family put a lot of pressure on him and made him feel guilty about having accidents. I did not know that and only later understood that he was also very confused about the messages he got. Either way, all is forgotten now and well.

I assume you do not have battles about toilet training within the family, so I am sure it will not take that long. We have a bunch of kids the same age as my son around us and I can tell you that hardly any boy started before age 3 and none of them had a "straight line of success". It always seems to be one step forward, two steps back. When I grew up, parents would put their kids on the potty from age 1.5 on and maybe we were all trained a bit sooner but it was a battle with lasting negative memories. Good luck! Just scroll down a bit to find more opinions on the subject.

[Hazel30]

thanks alot for all your replies.  I dunno I get so many mixed feelings about the proper age to potty train.  I know I was trained at 1 but thats also because from where Im from in those days they didnt have diapers so I guess parents were forced into training early when kids were able to walk and squat down.  Many Moms I've met say to just try when they give signs and actualy easier to train before 3.  I tried at 2 yr 2 months thinking he maybe ready from all the signs he gave me.  I know he's happy with it and realy feels like a big boy about all of it and now Im comming to a conclusion that this is all phsycological and just his way of coping with it.  Over the past weeks I've learned his signs and how he deals with going num2 and realize that it must not be that bad because after all if he realy needs to go, he goes.  It may not be as calm and smooth as we adults go or older kids go but he goes.  Im learning to ignore some of his things that he does when he is trying to hold it in because Im assuming he must not have to go that bad if he is holding it in, or if he's holding anything at all, but when I see that he realy must go we go to the washroom and he goes all on his own.  Im not sure how long this will last Im hopping maybe a few more weeks or a month but I will not be upset over it and let him do it the way he wants to.  Again thanks alot and you've realy helped me alot.

-Fiana

[Trialanderror]

Thanks, Fiana. I am sure both your son and you are on the right way and no way will it ever take as long as it did with my son. Just hang in there and remember, you are not alone with all those questions, doubts and concerns.
- Sabine -