Inappropiate Behavior same-sex ages 9-12

[wymom]

My two sons (9 & 11) with no prior history of sexual experimentation or abuse were caught with their cousin (12).  The cousen had told them that they were playing a game at first killing bad guys and dragons.  Then it morphed into you need experience points and to gain those they had to suck on his private areas.  We have since discovered the cousin has had prior problems in this area that we have not been told about.  My sons told me it happened once two years ago and then earlier this week and last night.  Is this normal behavior?  What is the appropriate response to such behavior?  Where do I go from here?  --Frustrated and Hurt

[jd1419]

I would keep your sons away from there cousin.  Explain to them that this should never happen and what he did was wrong--not what they did-for they did not know any better.  You may also want to have them set up with a conseling session--just to make sure they do not have any residual feelings from being used by a relative.

Also, if you are close to this kids parents you may want to let them know what he did--and if they do not beleive and are angered by your info-then they are in denial--but keep your kids safe first--that is the most important things we need to do as parents.

I hope everything turns out fine for you.

[socgirl]

No, this is not normal behavior.  Technically speaking, the older cousin has engaged in sexual abuse of your sons.  Playing a game in order to get them to perform oral sex on him is wrong.  Most likely, the older cousin learned this from someone else, perhaps he has been abused, molested, etc.  I would definitely speak to his parents about this, since you said there is a history of this with the cousin.  Also, the older cousin needs counseling.  I agree with the above poster in that you should keep your sons away from him and be very clear in explaining why...this isn't something to sugar coat.  Also, make sure your sons kow the situation is inappropriate, but be careful not to punish them for this.  Tell them it can't happen again and if it does, they need to inform you or another trusted adult.

[barefoots75]

Actually, about 28% of kids engage in sex play at some point in their childhood.  It's nothing to freak out about, although a bit more supervision might be in order.  See http://www.geocities.com/bte49712/wisconsin.html for an example of where anti-sexual hysteria leads.

[here4theinfo]

Um yeah, this is not normal behavior, especially if it has happend more than once, and I agree with the above comment that your boys need to see a counselor if you guys can't discuss it with them. Boys at that age, may look at eachother or something, but not literally perform oral actions unless shown by someone else or watched an inappropriate program. You need to address this with the cousins mother as well, and the boys all need to know that their private areas are "private", no touching or showing should be going on.

[worried61]

Hi,

I am in the same position you are.  Our problem came to light this past week when parents of my sons friend came over and told us our son (8) had asked their son to put his mouth on my sons private parts.  OF course my mouth dropped when they told me this and the kicker was they said my son told their son his cousin had done it to him.  This means my sisters son (9) did this to my son.
I spoke with my son and he finally told me this happened many times with his cousin over the past year.

I immediatly spoke with my doctor and she referred me to a therapist.  We have an appt on July 24th.  The therapist told me over the phone not to worry, "that this is not that unusual in children this age.  Our children are affraid to tell us because they are ashamed of the act but also confused by the act because it feels good."

YES, you should seek out a therapist to make sure other things have not gone on that you don't know about and to make sure they don't carry guilt with them the rest of their lives.

As for the other parents... You need to sit down with them face to face and tell your story.  Be sure to tell them you are worried about their child and what someone might have done to him. Hopefully they will take you seriously and contact someone to help their son.  It is apparent that someone has done something to their child.

Don't be surprised though if you don't get the response you are looking for from them.  They will need time to process this whole thing.  They might get angry at you also.  If they do....so be it.  You did your best to help another family in distress.

Good luck.  I'm sure things will work out.