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Independent sleep regression
I've always had some issue with my 27 month old's sleep habits from the time he was born, but the most recent issue is getting pretty demanding and I'm not really sure how to phase him out of it.
Three months ago and prior to that, I could put him to bed at his routine time of 8:00-8:30, tuck him in, walk away and close his door and he'd go right to sleep and not have a single problem.
Then my mom passed away, and during the time she was in the hospital for a month before passing, our family's basic routine was really thrown out of whack. I usually stayed long hours or nights at the hospital while my husband and extended family did a lot of care-taking for our boys (I also have a 7 year old), since my husband was also trying to finish his college semester and a lot of his classes went into the evening hours--so for quite a few nights, the boys spent nights with my in-laws and were very inconsistently at home in their own beds. Whenever my 2 year old was away from me for a night due to me being at the hospital, he never slept in his own bed, even at our home; he always co-slept with my husband or the grandparents. When I was home, I was still able to put him to bed independently in his own bed with no problems.
After my mom died, my husband and I attempted to move into her home for two weeks, which is located nearly 25 miles from where our own house is. In my mom's house, everything had been left as it was the day she walked out to go to the hospital, so neither of our kids had their own room, and while we stayed there and tried to get things rearranged to move our stuff in, our 2 year old co-slept with us and my 7 year old slept on the couch. After two weeks, the stress, distance, and expense of everything wound up being to overwhelming for us to handle financially for quite some time, so we decided we'd move back and stay in our own home until we could get a handle back on our routine as we juggled all the things to deal with as far as closing an estate while maintaining what regularity we could with our own lives.
This is where my son's sleep habits went into a major regression. Since moving back into our own home, I cannot put him to bed in his own bed without him freaking out and going crazy. As soon as I lay him down in his bed, he's reaching out for me to pick him up and whimpering like he's scared. For a month now, I've been having to lay down on the floor in his room until he falls asleep, which takes him usually well over an hour. During this time, I do not distract him, talk to him, or interact with him; I just lie on the floor and wait for him to fall asleep while he just lies in bed and watches me like a hawk because if I even try to inch away toward the door while he's still awake, he flips out in panic and he's out of that bed so fast and trying to come after me. The way he whimpers, cries, and escalates to screaming is actual panic and not stubbornness. I know the difference between him having meltdown toddler tantrums and total panic attacks where he is truly scared.
I tried for two nights to do the whole Super Nanny technique where you continuously put them back in their bed without speaking to them until they eventually tire out and give up. That doesn't even last long enough for me to get two steps away from his bed before he's sprung out of bed and latching on to my legs, terrified for me to leave.
So in the meantime, this last month of being back home, I lay him down and then lay on his floor in the middle of his room until he falls asleep, which takes forever. My back is killing me.
He's perfectly fine once he's asleep if he wakes in the middle of the night and sees I'm not there. He cries out for us, but it's in the way he's always done and not sheer panic and blindly bolting out of bed in the dark. He will wait in the bed for one of us to come in and either bring him in our bed or put him back to sleep in his room. No problems there. It's just getting him to sleep at bedtime. I'm not sure how to phase him out of this fear, or if I'm enabling it by staying in the room with him and creating a habit that is a pain (literally) for me to keep up with. I just want to be able to tuck him in and put him to bed again without him having a separation anxiety freak-out.
Three months ago and prior to that, I could put him to bed at his routine time of 8:00-8:30, tuck him in, walk away and close his door and he'd go right to sleep and not have a single problem.
Then my mom passed away, and during the time she was in the hospital for a month before passing, our family's basic routine was really thrown out of whack. I usually stayed long hours or nights at the hospital while my husband and extended family did a lot of care-taking for our boys (I also have a 7 year old), since my husband was also trying to finish his college semester and a lot of his classes went into the evening hours--so for quite a few nights, the boys spent nights with my in-laws and were very inconsistently at home in their own beds. Whenever my 2 year old was away from me for a night due to me being at the hospital, he never slept in his own bed, even at our home; he always co-slept with my husband or the grandparents. When I was home, I was still able to put him to bed independently in his own bed with no problems.
After my mom died, my husband and I attempted to move into her home for two weeks, which is located nearly 25 miles from where our own house is. In my mom's house, everything had been left as it was the day she walked out to go to the hospital, so neither of our kids had their own room, and while we stayed there and tried to get things rearranged to move our stuff in, our 2 year old co-slept with us and my 7 year old slept on the couch. After two weeks, the stress, distance, and expense of everything wound up being to overwhelming for us to handle financially for quite some time, so we decided we'd move back and stay in our own home until we could get a handle back on our routine as we juggled all the things to deal with as far as closing an estate while maintaining what regularity we could with our own lives.
This is where my son's sleep habits went into a major regression. Since moving back into our own home, I cannot put him to bed in his own bed without him freaking out and going crazy. As soon as I lay him down in his bed, he's reaching out for me to pick him up and whimpering like he's scared. For a month now, I've been having to lay down on the floor in his room until he falls asleep, which takes him usually well over an hour. During this time, I do not distract him, talk to him, or interact with him; I just lie on the floor and wait for him to fall asleep while he just lies in bed and watches me like a hawk because if I even try to inch away toward the door while he's still awake, he flips out in panic and he's out of that bed so fast and trying to come after me. The way he whimpers, cries, and escalates to screaming is actual panic and not stubbornness. I know the difference between him having meltdown toddler tantrums and total panic attacks where he is truly scared.
I tried for two nights to do the whole Super Nanny technique where you continuously put them back in their bed without speaking to them until they eventually tire out and give up. That doesn't even last long enough for me to get two steps away from his bed before he's sprung out of bed and latching on to my legs, terrified for me to leave.
So in the meantime, this last month of being back home, I lay him down and then lay on his floor in the middle of his room until he falls asleep, which takes forever. My back is killing me.
He's perfectly fine once he's asleep if he wakes in the middle of the night and sees I'm not there. He cries out for us, but it's in the way he's always done and not sheer panic and blindly bolting out of bed in the dark. He will wait in the bed for one of us to come in and either bring him in our bed or put him back to sleep in his room. No problems there. It's just getting him to sleep at bedtime. I'm not sure how to phase him out of this fear, or if I'm enabling it by staying in the room with him and creating a habit that is a pain (literally) for me to keep up with. I just want to be able to tuck him in and put him to bed again without him having a separation anxiety freak-out.
I had this problem with my daughter when she was 3 she wanted me to stay with her till she went to sleep. Her doctor ( yes her doctor actually told me this ) told me to let her cry it out if she gets up take her right back to bed. It took about a week but it worked. She 6 now and and at 8 pm every night she gives us kisses and puts herself to bed.
It sounds to me like he is scared that he will lose u like he did his grandmother. It also sounds like he is startibg to get past it. My sis is in the navy and when her son was 2 1/2 she went to afghanistan. When she got back she could not go newhere w/o him bc he was scared that she would go away for several months again. He is now almost 6 and she is on yet another deployment and he is doing fine. Don't worry he will grow out of it.
First, I am so, so sorry about your mother. I know how hard this has been on you, and how much she meant to you.
How is it going now? Specialmom is right in so many ways and I agree with her but I would only suggest doing this a little more gradual - and it sounds like you already are - so good job, your instincts were right!
There is a difference between a struggle cry (I don't like this at all and am protesting or am struggling to fall asleep alone because I think that I need you to fall asleep) and a distress cry. Greydon's sounds like a very distressed cry and understandably so. A two year old craves routine and predictability and his life was anything but for several months and on top of that, his beloved mommy is grieving mightily and he likely has picked up on this. These two things can create normal anxiety in a little one and he is expressing this at nighttime separation.
I always recommend meeting the need for additional comfort to provide reassurance and then slowly weaning this back to encourage self-regulation again. I don't think that giving him additional security now necessarily means that you will sleeping with him for years - not if you work on slowly bit by bit. And it sounds like this is happening - you can now go to shut the door and have moved to the middle of the room - great! I would suggest moving to a chair. It will be more comfortable for you and should not make a difference to him - then every few nights you can move your chair a bit further out of the room. There is a possibility that you won't get out of the room for a long time, but there is also a strong possibility that the new night routine will be putting him down and sitting in a chair in his room for 10-15 minutes while he falls asleep, which is not bad at all. You can also have a book or your phone with you - to give you something to do.
He did it before and will get there again, it will just be a slower road to get there.
Good luck
How is it going now? Specialmom is right in so many ways and I agree with her but I would only suggest doing this a little more gradual - and it sounds like you already are - so good job, your instincts were right!
There is a difference between a struggle cry (I don't like this at all and am protesting or am struggling to fall asleep alone because I think that I need you to fall asleep) and a distress cry. Greydon's sounds like a very distressed cry and understandably so. A two year old craves routine and predictability and his life was anything but for several months and on top of that, his beloved mommy is grieving mightily and he likely has picked up on this. These two things can create normal anxiety in a little one and he is expressing this at nighttime separation.
I always recommend meeting the need for additional comfort to provide reassurance and then slowly weaning this back to encourage self-regulation again. I don't think that giving him additional security now necessarily means that you will sleeping with him for years - not if you work on slowly bit by bit. And it sounds like this is happening - you can now go to shut the door and have moved to the middle of the room - great! I would suggest moving to a chair. It will be more comfortable for you and should not make a difference to him - then every few nights you can move your chair a bit further out of the room. There is a possibility that you won't get out of the room for a long time, but there is also a strong possibility that the new night routine will be putting him down and sitting in a chair in his room for 10-15 minutes while he falls asleep, which is not bad at all. You can also have a book or your phone with you - to give you something to do.
He did it before and will get there again, it will just be a slower road to get there.
Good luck
Thank you. That does make sense. I'm going to start trying the sitting and standing by the open door this weekend, then the "be right back" trick.
Like I said, he has made some progress, but I'm really wanting our normal lifestyle and routines back as soon as possible, because right now, we're all still readjusting and we're sensitive from grief. Me especially.
Like I said, he has made some progress, but I'm really wanting our normal lifestyle and routines back as soon as possible, because right now, we're all still readjusting and we're sensitive from grief. Me especially.
Well, your family has been through a lot lately. I would do your best to exit that room before he's asleep though. Here is why------- my mother died unexpectedly and tragically many years ago. At the time, my sister had a 4 year old daughter. I went to stay with my sister (I was deeply grieving and didn't want to be alone, so closed down my own house and went to my sis's) for about 8 months. During that time, my niece also regressed. Her mom and dad took turns sleeping with her. Then they had a problem. She wouldn't let go of it. They had a horrible time getting her to be an independent sleeper again.
So, I would try the "I'll be right back" scenario, or stand at the doorway and then the hall and then across the hall moving farther out of his room. And remember, his 'panicing' is baseless and working. You are sensitive right now and vulnerable to allowing what is working to . . . work. Does that make sense?
I don't want to scare a 2 year old and they are still really little--- but also know that he was doing well before---- so he can again. I also think mom's grief and anxiety are showing on him. That is hard. I didn't have little ones to worry about when I was grieving. But in front of your baby, put on the bravest face possible. Pretend all is okay as much as possible.
I'm sorry you are going through this sweetie.
So, I would try the "I'll be right back" scenario, or stand at the doorway and then the hall and then across the hall moving farther out of his room. And remember, his 'panicing' is baseless and working. You are sensitive right now and vulnerable to allowing what is working to . . . work. Does that make sense?
I don't want to scare a 2 year old and they are still really little--- but also know that he was doing well before---- so he can again. I also think mom's grief and anxiety are showing on him. That is hard. I didn't have little ones to worry about when I was grieving. But in front of your baby, put on the bravest face possible. Pretend all is okay as much as possible.
I'm sorry you are going through this sweetie.
Before all this happened (which began the last week of January, got really bad between Feb. 29 - Mar. 23 when Mom passed, then the switching between homes from then until Apr. 12), I was able to put both my boys to bed in the exact same fashion as you describe. Bedtime was never a major hurdle with either of them; I'd just get them tucked in and say prayers and goodnight and that was that. Greydon's main issue with sleep was (and still is) that he doesn't sleep through the night yet, but bedtime--that was never an issue until we got back into our own home after trying to live at my mom's for two weeks.
Like I said, I had tried for two nights to do things the same as our routine and walk away, then be firm about getting him back to bed if he tried to follow me out the door. It went from him staying in the bed until I walked out the door and then trying to come after me to where I could barely turn around to walk away before he was latched onto my legs and screaming in panic. I will admit I've lost any ability to stay firm with him about staying in bed and me walking away when he's honestly that scared--it's distressing and heartbreaking. He's a hotheaded, stubborn little spitfire in personality and has almost NO fear of anything, and is really independent and tenacious, so to see him freak out at the level he does is not normal for him. In fact, until this all started last month, I honestly can't recall any time in his life hearing or seeing him scream in panic like he does at bedtime now, unless I sit with him in the room to assure him I'm not leaving until he feels safe enough to go to sleep.
It has gotten better in the last couple of weeks to the point where I can actually lay him down in his bed and then walk across his room to close the door before I lie down on the floor, and he doesn't seem to need me lying right at his bedside anymore either, but is okay with me lying in the middle of the room closer to the door. I'm pretty sure he'll phase out of the fear and insecurity soon, but my post was mainly in concern that I might be forming a bad habit with him expecting me to stay in the room until he falls asleep now even when he's passed the fear and insecurity. I'm not really certain how long I should continue doing this for him, but for right now, he still is scared, but I'm wanting to work with him and make progress for getting back to our regular routine and not enable an insecurity.
Like I said, I had tried for two nights to do things the same as our routine and walk away, then be firm about getting him back to bed if he tried to follow me out the door. It went from him staying in the bed until I walked out the door and then trying to come after me to where I could barely turn around to walk away before he was latched onto my legs and screaming in panic. I will admit I've lost any ability to stay firm with him about staying in bed and me walking away when he's honestly that scared--it's distressing and heartbreaking. He's a hotheaded, stubborn little spitfire in personality and has almost NO fear of anything, and is really independent and tenacious, so to see him freak out at the level he does is not normal for him. In fact, until this all started last month, I honestly can't recall any time in his life hearing or seeing him scream in panic like he does at bedtime now, unless I sit with him in the room to assure him I'm not leaving until he feels safe enough to go to sleep.
It has gotten better in the last couple of weeks to the point where I can actually lay him down in his bed and then walk across his room to close the door before I lie down on the floor, and he doesn't seem to need me lying right at his bedside anymore either, but is okay with me lying in the middle of the room closer to the door. I'm pretty sure he'll phase out of the fear and insecurity soon, but my post was mainly in concern that I might be forming a bad habit with him expecting me to stay in the room until he falls asleep now even when he's passed the fear and insecurity. I'm not really certain how long I should continue doing this for him, but for right now, he still is scared, but I'm wanting to work with him and make progress for getting back to our regular routine and not enable an insecurity.
One thing I was always very firm and tough about from the age of two on was sleep. I went with night lights, story, quick cuddle and then I was out of there. I found if I did more than that, they needed more and the problem grew. I was tricky------- I'd tell them that I need to do something, I'll check back on them in a second. And i did check on them . . . from the hallway. I never let them go in and out of their room--- if they followed me, they were walked silently back to bed. We kept a sippy (still do keep water by their bed) cup by their bed or in it, so the old "i'm thirsty" didn't work.
I will tell you----------- both of my boys are independent sleepers and have been from less than a year and a half on. I left the room when they were awake, made no big deal about going to sleep and bed time (it's just what we do) and I was out of there. And my boys went with the program. My older son tried to resist for a period of time when he was about 3 and I just was very firm about it and didn't bend my boundary.
For being scared, I reworked anything they saw on a regular basis which included scooby doo (monsters are scary). I would spray a barrier from a water mist bottle on their door occasionally. And most importantly, I'd say that I am right outside their room and can hear everthing so nothing can happen in their room that I don't know about. And I'll make sure they are okay.
I also from teeny tiny made a very big deal about sleep. If they had a meltdown---------- I'd say "oh no. We didn't get enough sleep. We are tired. WE HAVE to get our sleep to have a good day." My boys got that and now and probably since my oldest was 5, I simply say "better go to sleep or tomorrow might be a long day" and he says "okay!!!" and does it. Same with my younger son. They get the correlation and I've been doing that since they were 2 or 3. Bad sleep can equal bad mood.
I would do your very best to not hang in his room until he falls asleep.
Anyway,, everyone has their own way of doing things. This has worked for me. I give my sons oodles of love and attention but would rather do it during the daytime! :>)
And, I again note that you are going through so much and am so sorry for your loss. That throws a household's mojo off completely and will hopefully get back to normal. Peace to you dear.
I will tell you----------- both of my boys are independent sleepers and have been from less than a year and a half on. I left the room when they were awake, made no big deal about going to sleep and bed time (it's just what we do) and I was out of there. And my boys went with the program. My older son tried to resist for a period of time when he was about 3 and I just was very firm about it and didn't bend my boundary.
For being scared, I reworked anything they saw on a regular basis which included scooby doo (monsters are scary). I would spray a barrier from a water mist bottle on their door occasionally. And most importantly, I'd say that I am right outside their room and can hear everthing so nothing can happen in their room that I don't know about. And I'll make sure they are okay.
I also from teeny tiny made a very big deal about sleep. If they had a meltdown---------- I'd say "oh no. We didn't get enough sleep. We are tired. WE HAVE to get our sleep to have a good day." My boys got that and now and probably since my oldest was 5, I simply say "better go to sleep or tomorrow might be a long day" and he says "okay!!!" and does it. Same with my younger son. They get the correlation and I've been doing that since they were 2 or 3. Bad sleep can equal bad mood.
I would do your very best to not hang in his room until he falls asleep.
Anyway,, everyone has their own way of doing things. This has worked for me. I give my sons oodles of love and attention but would rather do it during the daytime! :>)
And, I again note that you are going through so much and am so sorry for your loss. That throws a household's mojo off completely and will hopefully get back to normal. Peace to you dear.
Our boys are so much a like aren't they. I added a brighter then normal night light shaped like a race car. It's helping a little bit - he is only in bed with us now half the week..lol. It also helped when I removed all the stuffed animals from the shelves in his room as he seemed to be scared of them after the lights went off. Sorry Audrey, that's all I have! Thinking of you my friend. xoxo
COMMUNITY LEADER
There are dense foam mattresses that campers use. They roll up into a very tight roll (cause they gotta carry them). Look into that.
Also, if you are spending your time on the floor - frankly you could be reading to him. Outside of all the educational value - its extremely soothing! Heck read Shakespeare to him - that ought to make him sleepy :)
Also, if you are spending your time on the floor - frankly you could be reading to him. Outside of all the educational value - its extremely soothing! Heck read Shakespeare to him - that ought to make him sleepy :)
Thank you, I appreciate the advice.
He's not that fond of stuffed animals, so I think a large bear or other creature may actually scare him more, lol. He has a bunch of small stuffed animals in his bed that he likes, but he doesn't seem to care if he has them to snuggle at bedtime or not (unlike my older son, who will bury himself under stuffed animlas to sleep). We don't have an indoor dog; we have a cat, but she doesn't like to cuddle, especially with the kids.
His bedroom environment is fairly open and organized; his room is combined with our office, so our computer is in there as well. That puts off a fairly consistent white noise that is very quiet, and the LED lights on it generate just enough light to act as a nightlight in the dark. He also has a white noise bear that plays nature sounds like rain, waves, and wind. He used to fall asleep within minutes having that bear placed by his pillow; now he just ignores it and is more interested in making sure I'm watched so I don't leave the room before he drifts off.
I haven't gotten back into the routine yet of reading to him at bedtime. I used to every night, but haven't for a few months considering the circumstances. I do intend to get back into doing that simply because it's a beneficial thing to do at bedtime. Things have just been so hectic lately and we're still not quite back into our regular routine ourselves.
I've thought about an air mattress, but I was hoping to avoid it because our house is very small, so adding an air mattress to his room will pretty much take up all open space, even if it's a twin size, and that's not something I want to have to inflate every night just to be comfortable for an hour or so and then deflate so we can have the space open again for the following day. Maybe I'll just add some extra pillows under his bed that I can pull out each night and lay on, then stuff them back under the bed once he's asleep and I can leave the room.
He's not that fond of stuffed animals, so I think a large bear or other creature may actually scare him more, lol. He has a bunch of small stuffed animals in his bed that he likes, but he doesn't seem to care if he has them to snuggle at bedtime or not (unlike my older son, who will bury himself under stuffed animlas to sleep). We don't have an indoor dog; we have a cat, but she doesn't like to cuddle, especially with the kids.
His bedroom environment is fairly open and organized; his room is combined with our office, so our computer is in there as well. That puts off a fairly consistent white noise that is very quiet, and the LED lights on it generate just enough light to act as a nightlight in the dark. He also has a white noise bear that plays nature sounds like rain, waves, and wind. He used to fall asleep within minutes having that bear placed by his pillow; now he just ignores it and is more interested in making sure I'm watched so I don't leave the room before he drifts off.
I haven't gotten back into the routine yet of reading to him at bedtime. I used to every night, but haven't for a few months considering the circumstances. I do intend to get back into doing that simply because it's a beneficial thing to do at bedtime. Things have just been so hectic lately and we're still not quite back into our regular routine ourselves.
I've thought about an air mattress, but I was hoping to avoid it because our house is very small, so adding an air mattress to his room will pretty much take up all open space, even if it's a twin size, and that's not something I want to have to inflate every night just to be comfortable for an hour or so and then deflate so we can have the space open again for the following day. Maybe I'll just add some extra pillows under his bed that I can pull out each night and lay on, then stuff them back under the bed once he's asleep and I can leave the room.
COMMUNITY LEADER
All of you have been through a lot of stress. Adults can handle it cause they (hopefully) understand it. For a kid of that age - its really scary. Sooner or later he will outgrow it. Couple of choices.
One is to make it more comfortable for you. Put an air mattress on the floor. No reason for you to suffer. Take music or a Kendal in with you. Of course, that is the second choice.
Its possible that a big huggable thing might make him feel more secure. At least thats easier then the dog sleeping on his bed. Maybe try a big (I mean big) teddy bear?
Also, what is the room environment like? Perhaps adding white noise or a small night light will help?
Being curious do you read to him while he is in bed? Besides being a great educational tool, it really establishes a familiar routine. I would try Winnie the Poo (or however it is spelled) and then buy a big bear.
And it will take some trial and error. Just don't try once and give up. It will take awhile. In the meantime, make yourself more comfortable. Best wishes!
One is to make it more comfortable for you. Put an air mattress on the floor. No reason for you to suffer. Take music or a Kendal in with you. Of course, that is the second choice.
Its possible that a big huggable thing might make him feel more secure. At least thats easier then the dog sleeping on his bed. Maybe try a big (I mean big) teddy bear?
Also, what is the room environment like? Perhaps adding white noise or a small night light will help?
Being curious do you read to him while he is in bed? Besides being a great educational tool, it really establishes a familiar routine. I would try Winnie the Poo (or however it is spelled) and then buy a big bear.
And it will take some trial and error. Just don't try once and give up. It will take awhile. In the meantime, make yourself more comfortable. Best wishes!
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