Infant memory

My son is 11 months old. Sometimes, my husband and I have verbal disputes, and twice in the last 6 months we have pushed each other physically, with the recent incident having happened today in front of my son. What effect does this have on my son, both in terms of his memory about remembering what he saw and heard, and also his health behavior development. Thanks.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

While your child will likely not remember the specific incidents, such turmoil in the environment is problematic and, if not altered, will likely result in emotional problems for your son. If you and your husband intend to remain together, you need to seek marital therapy. It is a very ominous sign that you and your husband have escalated to physical confrontations, but even frequent verbal disputes of an intense sort (i.e., as opposed to reasonable expressions of anger or exchanges of opinion) result in problems for children growing up in the household.

[virtualmom]

Please keep in mind that a mere "push" can be a welcome mat for further physical abuse, whether intended or not. I am making no judgements on you and your husband, just be very careful. It can become easier and easier to deal with yours conflicts through forceful touch than through your words. Your children may appear immune, but don't belive it.

I say this from experience. My ex was not physical with me but rather with furniture. One day when my daughter was six months he flipped the dining room table over. (imagine the noise and vibrations on the floor) My child was sitting on the floor less than 5ft away. She never flinched, she never looked up, as if she had become so accustomed to these outbursts. This scared me tremendously, and was a real turning point for my family. Counseling did not seem to help us and six months later we tried our hand at slapping on another, his slap turned into a punch. I left the same day with my daughter because this is not the behavior and method of resolution that I deemed appropiate FOR ANY OF US. I did not want to become an abusive person, nor would I allow myself to become a victim of. I deserve better than that, my family deserves better. I refuse to raise my child in an environment that condones this volatile hostility and it was just healthier for all us to dissolve the relationship. In fact, it was a relief for all us as our subsequent interactions were much more positive and easy going.  

Just please think about the potential that a push may have, physical-ness can be a slow progressive process that just sneaks up and slams you one day. I hope all works out for you and yours. Take care.