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Introverted/shy vs social issue?

My younger daughter is a little over 3.5 years and, honestly, if she had been an only child I would have thought her near perfect!  She doesn't get into mischief, wander off, play with things she shouldn't, talk to strangers, etc.  Her perfect day would be to stay at home all day and play by herself.  She plays with her dolls, stuffed animals, tiny ponies, colors and jumps on her trampoline.  She doesn't tell you what she is doing and basically only comes seeking parental involvement for the necessities of life; eating, bathing, etc.
She is in preschool since the beginning of Oct 09 and is just now starting to put names with some of the kids.  She does not play with anyone during class and talks/plays with them before class only with a lot of encouragement from me (mother).  Her playing seems to be more of an awkward imitation of the other kids.  She also doesn't talk to her teachers (hello, goodbyes, look what I have type talking.  She will answer questions) even though she talks about them often.  Despite the lack of playing with other kids she is excited to go to school and even the first day had no problems separating from me.  I don't even get a goodbye or a kiss from her.
Thinking of that she is not really affectionate.  Spontaneous hugs and kisses are very,very rare and she doesn't say normal greetings to me, her father or other people that are a large part of her life.
In public and with strangers her first reaction is to look away and pretend they do not exist.  She ignores them, looks at her feet or buries her head in my shoulder.  She does not look at me to gauge how she should react.  BTW, eye contact is limited.  She will make eye contact with me for short periods when we are at home, the house is quiet and I am further than 3 feet away.  If I am touching her it simply isn't going to happen.
She will play aside her sister (6.5y) and do what her sister tells her too.  She will play along side a few of the kids in the neighborhood but she doesn't attempt to involve them and is oblivious when they get up and leave.
Sorry this long.  Is she shy or something more?
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189897 tn?1441126518
COMMUNITY LEADER
   This sounds pretty normal.  You have been his whole life - his constant routine.  And th   ings are now different.   The best thing that you can do for him is to continue preschool.
   Do talk to his teacher and let her know what is going on.  Sometimes just a little bit of extra attention from the teacher will help.   Also ask her if there is any child there that he seems to like.  Then invite the child over for a playdate.  Once he has friends there, things will change.  But do talk to his teacher about this.  She should be able to tell you if there is cause for concern or not.   Do keep in mind that a child's behavior does not change overnight.  It will take several weeks for him to start feeling comfortable.
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Avatar universal
My son 4 years old just started preschool. He has speech delay. We've been in speech therapy for a year. He very happy playfull boy. Likes to go out play in playgrounds not necessarily with other children but he didn't mind having kids around him. After he started preschool he does not want to do anywhere exempt home. He goes to school 3 times a week for 3 hours a day. H
When I do take him out he starts line of no no no no no no and no.
Doesn't t want to go and play with other kids. I can take him out with me to store to movies to the beach. As long as there aren't many people around. Again this  started the day he started preschool. I don't know how to handle this. Pleas help. I tried rewarding him. I tried buying him things. But he stands very strong on his no.
I need to add that he's my 3 son my 2 older boys are 18 & 16. He never really had a friend to play with except special occasions with family 3/4 times a year. I'm a busy mom who works from home. He's been attached to my hip since he was born. I've been called helacepor mom. But I need to help this little boy before he starts kindergarten.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Okay, you've given  me some things to think about  I am the mother of a boy with sensory processing disorder.  He was diagnosed officially at 4 but we suspected at 3.5.  He too had social issues along with some other things.  I think one issue with your school is that they have such a wide range of ages in the class.  It makes it harder to judge where a child is compared to her peers.  There is a big difference between a 2.5 year old and a 4 year old in all areas.  

I will tell you that we had our boy evaluated by an occupational therapist at 3.5 and it was inconclusive.  I couldn't really put my finger on if he had it or not even though he had some symptoms that would indicate as such.  It became more and more clear each month that passed so that at little after he turned 4, we had him re evaluated and started occupational therapy at 4.5.  He's just turned 6 and is in kindergarten and in all areas he has shown drastic improvement.  

I totally get what you are saying about your daughter being so good that any problems get over looked.  My son was the opposite---------  his sensory caused him to act out so he was impossible to ignore.  But kids that are quiet and "good" are left to be.  Same with add vs adhd.  Kids with add are diagnosed much later than add because the add kids don't draw attention to themselves.  

It is important to know that many kids on the spectrum have sensory issues as well.  My son has sensory  alone and we have been diligent in trying to give him the skills he needs to cope and be successful.  We spoon fed social skills to him so that he can now hold his own.  My advice to be overally social in a casual way was one of the things that we did.  I said the same thing------  we stay home (happily) a lot, I don't push the social things, etc.  But when I realized that there were issues there, we changed the game plan.  We go almost every day now to somewhere.  First we work on his sensory stuff to keep his nervous system functioning well and for him to be regulated and second, we work on social skills.   I literally started games with other kids and kept them going in a casual way while the kids we played with had their parents just watching us.  I swallowed all pride and just did what I needed to do.  I'd sit in a playhouse with my son and play house with him and some kids.  He doesn't need me like that anymore, but I guided him through when he was not doing well or if he needed some help.  The other kids LOVED it.  

Anyway, we have tons of things that we do at home as well that really help his nervous system.  I'm happy to share ideas if you are interested.  If she does have SPD, then it should help.  If not, it can't hurt in any way.  

I still do think that your daughter is suffering some social anxiety, however.  Please look that up.  Good luck and I'm happy to help any way that I can.  
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Avatar universal
The preschool doesn't see any real problems.  She is in a class with 2.5-4 year olds for 1.5 hours twice a week.  They told me parallel play is normal but I am thinking they think she is younger due to her size, she is smaller.  And as I said she is a pretty good child, very obedient and quiet.
I did have evaluated at the public school but she is not behind in the social enough assistance.  We can not get into the public school preschool here unless we qualify for free lunches or she has learning issues :(
The pedi wants her evaluated for Autism vs. SPD, but neither one really seem to fit from what I have read.  But then, we are homebodies and she is most comfortable in her environment.  I also have a fairly laid back parenting style and can easily go with her flow, if you know what I mean.  We are on the waiting list to schedule an appt, they will only schedule 3 months so we have an ETA of June or July.  That is so far away and I they told me it will be 2 appt, 3 to 5 hours each.  That seems like so much for a child who just rather be by herself.  And with them so overbooked I feel like I will be wasting the time needed by a more difficult child.  

I know she wants to play with the other kids.  We go to a party or a play date and she clings or follows a distance behind the other kids then disappears to do her own thing.  But as soon as we get in the car she starts telling me about these complex conversations or fantastic play situations she had that I know did not happen as I was right there!  I swear, she a wonderful child but in all my years of childcare and being a mom I have never had a child through me for loop like this one!
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973741 tn?1342342773
Well, I think you should talk to your pediatrician about it as well as the school.  Our preschool had a grant in which a trained therapist came and observed my child and offered further advice of what to do. Most preschools have something similar.  Google social anxiety and see what you think.  

You have to be careful in that she sounds like a happy child and not minding her situation.  You don't want to make her self conscious which compounds the problem.  The extra socializing you should do with her is to warm her up, not necessarily put her on the spot.  

You could also check in with a developmental specialist (many children's hospitals have them).  It is tricky to know exactly what is going on but  clearly your momma warning bells are going off.  So I think you pursue it without making her uncomfortable in the process.  Good luck.  
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Avatar universal
Mammo:
Yes, she is in her own little world a lot!  I try to bring her out but, honestly, life is easier on everyone if she can go there.  We have a lot less tantrums, less screaming, less yelling if she can just be quiet and play.  I am not sure about a bonding issue as she is happy to seem me ofter school, she sees me, smiles and runs to me.  I scoop her up and she pinches (not anger or violent, more of a comfort thing that she does A LOT).  She seems to love her grandparents, talks about them, hops in their arms etc.  She just doesn't hug or kiss, or say hello or goodbye.  It is kind of like she doesn't see the point?  I dunno.

specialmom:
I have been doing a lot of what you have suggested.  I try to play with her at home but she is literal.  She tells me she is "just tending!"  Her play doesn't flow and there is no drama.  It is hard for me to get involved without taking too much control and my attempts at "social play" tend to go ignore or make things more awkward.  Her sister has the knack though and I encourage them to play as much as possible.  She is preschool to help with the socializing but it doesn't seem to be working.
I have been encourage her to talk to the other kids; "say hi," and "tell them your name,", "ask what his name is".  It is like pulling teeth.  These are kids she has been to school with no less!
Her teacher asked her if she had any friends and according to her she does.  She pointed to the girl closest to her, who overheard and immediately got excited the DD2 was her friend.  She proceeded to drag DD2 around the classroom for the next 10 minutes.  Now DD2 won't talk to her because the other girl "grabbed her hand".  Do I continue to push this?  I don't want to break her!
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973741 tn?1342342773
Your daughter may have anxiety and specifically social anxiety.  She sounds like her imaginative play is good and her verbal skills are fine which is all good.  But she prefers to play alone.  At 3.5 kids are coming out of paralell play and interacting more.  What I would do is to start focasing on socializing with her.  First, at home------  you are her playmate.  Come into her games and actually play with her.  Have her practice some social things at that time, like sharing, conversing in play, being fair, etc.  Then start going wherever you can with her.  Parks, open gyms, the children's musuem, the zoo, whatever.  Just be out and about around lots of kids and start interacting WITH her and with them.  Facilitate play between her and some other kids her age.  Get friendly with some of the other moms at her preschool.  SEt up a one on one play date but keep it short (hour and a half or two hours at most).  I would read up on anxiety and social anxiety.  There are ways to help her.  If it continues, I would talk to her pediatrician about it.  A child psychiatrist or psychologist could then be of assistence.

Some kids do not naturally have social and play skills.  My son did not.  I had to teach him step by step.  It can be done though.  Eventually, you'll want her in some activities like dance or tumbling with her peers.  good luck.  
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Avatar universal
Some kids can be extremely shy, what would concern me is her lack of eye contact and affection.  In some ways she sounds like she is in her own little world.  If these actions are new, then it may just be a phase, but if this is how she has been all along, I (as only another parent) would be concerned. It's difficult to say at this age what if anything is going on, but it does sound like she's not bonding properly with others.  I would have her evaluated, can't hurt and may just help.  You need to know now if there is a problem so that it gets addressed early, if there isn't you can learn how to help her with the shyness.  You don't want this lingering in the back of your mind.  God luck to you and take care.
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