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Is it me or her?
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Is it me or her?

Ok. Here it goes. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now and he has a 5 year old daughter. It seems that I can't get along with her. She comes every two weekends. She is never disciplined which I think is totally wrong because a child has to know what is right or not. I have spoke to my boyfriend about it and he told me that he can't discipline her since he sees her only 2-3 days every 2 weeks (which I think is not a good reason to teach her the good ways. Whenever she's at home, I feel totally left out and it hurts my feeling. I understand that she's his daughter but he can still make me feel appreciated when she's at home). All of my boyfriend's attention is on her. Also, she is disrespectful, she never says "please" and "thank you" which totally "pisses me off" because I have been raised in a really respectful family. She ABSOLUTELY has to sleep with us which takes away all our intimity as a couple. Whenever she wakes up, she has to watch a movie and it wakes me up and I absolutely hate it and he says I hate her because of this. He buys her eveything she wants and she gets whatever she want to get. She never listens to me when I tell her to do something. Whenever I have something in my hands she has to grab it. I have tried to talk about all this with my boyfriend but he won't listen and say that I'm the main source of problems and he even wanted to brake up with me because of all this. I'm lost and I need answers! I don't think I'm a psycho and I only want those 2 weekends a month to be a joyful experience for the three of us. I need to know why she's acting like this.
Thank you so much in advance.
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Avatar_f_tn
Well, you are totally right. She is acting this way because she simply can. It's allowed. Kids need rules and structures. They find security in it as well and they also adapt to changes well. It sounds like your boyfriend has a guilty conscience and lets her have whatever she likes to not upset her. He should really read some literature on children of divorce or separate homes.  Unfortunately at this time, I can't remember any. She's five years old and these issues will only grow into bigger problems. Best of luck to you.tmv
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Avatar_f_tn
Like the other poster said, she needs structure, which it sounds like she's not getting when she's with the two of you and gets whatever she wants.  However, you're the adult here and she's the child.  From your post, it almost sounds like you're getting into a power struggle with her, which shouldn't happen.  It seems like you're jealous of the attention she gets from your BF when she is visiting for those 2-3 days every two weeks.  I wish i had some better advice for you, but that's his daughter, which he doesn't see all that often....he should be paying alot of attention to her.  That being said, he also needs to lay down the ground rules and involve you in some of the decisions.  For example, it bothers you that she wants to sleep with the two of you.  That example is a place where you can set some of your own limits.  Have you talked with her about her manners?  She's old enough to understand.  I think it can be hard for kids with separated/divorced parents.  They have two sets of rules they have to obey, depending on who's house they're staying at.  it's something she'll have to get used to.  However, you and your BF, as well as her mother should all communicate so that you're all on the same page, which might make this transition a little easier for you and her.  I guess my point with all of my ranting is that it sounds like you're having a touch time, but remember this is also tough for her too and she's only 5.  Good luck.
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Avatar_n_tn
the problem is not only your relationship with his child but with you r bf as well, he should at least be aware of your feelings, i think you should have a heart to heart talk with your bf about this, because im pretty sure the child that the only person who could discipline the kid is his father. you could also try to visit this site http://besthealthoptions.com/baby-child-care, it has great articles about child behavior, it helped me alot. gud day!
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195648_tn?1231815718
I agree that children need discipline and rules but I also think you are being unreasonable.  You've been with him almost a year??  This is his child!  She is a 5 year ol.  If you had children you would understand how deep that love goes and understand how hard it must be for him to be the bad guy when he barely gets to see her.
I do think that the sleeping together is her way of showing oyu that she is in charge and maybe he should stop that.  Perhaps make her room interesting for her... engage her in a project of decorating it herself??
Also, your b/f should really put his foot down as far as her not listening to you.  
That having been said, you have to be the adult here.  Stop being so jealous.  All of his attention should be focused on her when she's around and that's something you will have to get used to.  You get him all the other times.  
I suggest getting over the fact thather movie wakes you up and think about how hard it is on her to only see her father on ocassion and with another woman added to that no less!
Try and do things with her also, maybe the 2 of you... try talking to her too.  Tell her you know it must be hard on her and that you want to be her friend.  
It's clear to me that you resent this child.  Don't think she doesn't pick up on that either.   You entered into a serious relationship with a man who already has a child you should have been prepared to be second best at times.  That's the way it goes when children are involved.  If it were me, I wouldn't let a man near my daughter if we've been together less than a year.  I would expect my ex to do the same if he ever becomes my ex.  And I damn sure wouldn't allow another woman to discipline her if her father was there and capable.  It's his call, not yours.
I do think, however, that she is a typical bratty 5 year old struggling with her father's absence and his new life with another woman.  You need to be a little more understanding.  
That's just my humble opinion.....
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195648_tn?1231815718
I agree that children need discipline and rules but I also think you are being unreasonable.  You've been with him almost a year??  This is his child!  She is a 5 year ol.  If you had children you would understand how deep that love goes and understand how hard it must be for him to be the bad guy when he barely gets to see her.
I do think that the sleeping together is her way of showing oyu that she is in charge and maybe he should stop that.  Perhaps make her room interesting for her... engage her in a project of decorating it herself??
Also, your b/f should really put his foot down as far as her not listening to you.  
That having been said, you have to be the adult here.  Stop being so jealous.  All of his attention should be focused on her when she's around and that's something you will have to get used to.  You get him all the other times.  
I suggest getting over the fact thather movie wakes you up and think about how hard it is on her to only see her father on ocassion and with another woman added to that no less!
Try and do things with her also, maybe the 2 of you... try talking to her too.  Tell her you know it must be hard on her and that you want to be her friend.  
It's clear to me that you resent this child.  Don't think she doesn't pick up on that either.   You entered into a serious relationship with a man who already has a child you should have been prepared to be second best at times.  That's the way it goes when children are involved.  If it were me, I wouldn't let a man near my daughter if we've been together less than a year.  I would expect my ex to do the same if he ever becomes my ex.  And I damn sure wouldn't allow another woman to discipline her if her father was there and capable.  It's his call, not yours.
I do think, however, that she is a typical bratty 5 year old struggling with her father's absence and his new life with another woman.  You need to be a little more understanding.  
That's just my humble opinion.....
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Avatar_n_tn
Well she had never seen her parents being together because my BF and her ex-wife divorced when she was a few days old.
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13167_tn?1327197724
lost at sea  - the fact that you (the father's girlfriend) are sleeping in a bed with the father and this five year old little girl at the same time,  who is visiting,   is probably more than enough reason that he could lose any visitation whatsoever.    I think if this little girl's mother got wind of that image,  a court could very well take away his rights to unsupervised visitation completely.

You see this backwards.  His relationship with his daughter is sacred,  and you are his complaining girlfriend that this child doesn't say please and thank you.  

You're young,  and childless,  and you probably ought to be dating a man who is single and childless,  and that way you wouldn't get into an attention competition with this small child.

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171768_tn?1324233699
you think it's normal that you want to have his attention the only 2 days a week you see him. while that is true, don't forget that his daughter sees him less frequently, and it sounds like she doesn't get quality one on one time with him. she resents you and your presense. honestly, i probably would too (especially at that age). you have to understand that five year olds are not rational and often do not understand why they behave the way they do. she probably knows that she feels upset, but can't understand why. yes, she should be respectful to grown ups. but it sounds like she isn't ready for that yet with you. by the way, i am a stickler for children being respectful and don't tolerate anything less. but divorce is very confusing to young children, and often comes with feelings of guilt, sadness, and inadequacy. i know this from personal experience.  if you want this to work out, you will have to be very patient. and you will have to accept that they need quality time together.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for your comments. But I forgot to say that we only get to see eachother on the weekends because I go to school in another province during the week. We live about 2hours away from eachother. That being said, when I go on the weekends and when she's there too, I don't get to pass alot of time with him. I don't think I'm either jealous or unreasonable. I think it's normal that I want to be with him for the only 2 days a week I see him. That's why I feel kinda left out.
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171768_tn?1324233699
regardless, it is still confusing to a child to have to split her time. when i was young, my guilt wasn't that i caused the divorce. guilt came from spending time with different parents. you feel guilty leaving mom to visit dad. you feel guilty that you don't spend as much time with dad as you do with mom. you seem to make it clear that you resent her presense, and that would add a lot to subconscious guilt as well. she shouldn't have to compete for her father's attention and wonder if she is more important to him than you are. young children are very egocentric- not from being raised poorly- it's their nature and understanding of the world. she should be approaching the age where she can begin to understand that she is not the center of the universe, but it is not in children's capabilities to fully comprehend this concept. of course, we work with children to help them learn this concept, but we certainly don't expect them to grasp it yet.

yes, she is being rude and needs discipline. but that will not resolve itself until the underlying causes are addressed. forcing her to say please and thank you to you won't make her respect you.
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174483_tn?1327629077
i can speak from the childs point of view on this one, my step dad came into the picture when i was 4. i understand your need for attention, but that child needs and deserves his attention more then you do at this point. when my step dad came into the picture, i was in protect mode, where i wanted to protect what my mom and i had, i felt that she loved him more then me, and ill tell you what thats the worst feeling for a child to feel, she needs her daddy, and you cant be the disciplinarian, you just cant, she will resent you and act out more, if you continue this behavior this little girl is going to hate you for the rest of her life, trust me i still have no relationship with my step father, im sorry you feel so out of place on this one, i really do, but you came into THIER family, not the other way around, i agree with everyone else, when you have a child you will understand, i love my daughter more then anyone in this world, including my husband and i would choose her over anyone in a heartbeat, it sounds as though you think you should be choosen over her, not the case sorry
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok whenever she is wherever she is ya she needs to be disciplined but let the man be wig his daughter I didn't see my dad much and he was a strong man and when I was with him. I woul turn to the door to go back to my mons and see him flinch. He is with you a lot but it is not your daughter just be nice to her and ignore negative bahavior.
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