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Is it normal sexual experimenting?
My son is 8 years old and best friend with the neighbors son who is about 18 months older than him.  This morning my son woke up crying because he said he just had to get something off this chest.  He said that this other boy had performed oral sex on him last year.  Now my neighbor and I were aware that her son had tried to touch my son last summer and we sat both boys down and talked to them.  We both supervise their entire visit and no sleepovers.  My son says this has never happened since and happened at the neighbors Grandmas house.  Now I have a few questions…1st is how to help my son deal with the shame he is feeling over this.  He was crying hysterically, thought I would hate him and does not want me tell my husband.  He said he just had to get this off his chest.  Those are pretty big feelings for an 8 year old.  2nd do I tell my husband?  And 3rd how do I handle this with the neighbor.  It’s been a year, do I have another sit down, and do I not allow them to play together anymore?
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535822 tn?1443980380
It is possible the older child has seen the behavior or been abused himself, so I am not certain that them playing together is a good idea.Yes you do tell your husband,.You say you knew that the older boy had touched him when do you mean , previously?
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Dont let them play together. You must protect your child!
The older kid is either abused or watching things he should not be watching.
Yes you need to tell your husband. It is his child too, but warn him that he must not
let his anger come accross as disgust for his child. He must be very clear with his son that he loves him and that he is proud of him for telling the truth.

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ps
You asked it was normal child experimentation?
Let me as you something. How could this be normal child esperimentation for a child that would never know about such a thing unless they witnessed it or were a victim? No child that grows up watching little house on the praire decides to go do that. Does not happen unless they are seeing sexually explicit television or books or are a victim of abuse.
This makes me furious.
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Yes last summer I heard my son saying "This is not cool _____, Get off of me" So I went into the bedroom and found them under the blanket and the other boy was on top of my son.  So I called my neighbor right away and we sat the boys down and talked to them both.  We decided that there was going to be no more sleepovers and that when they played together there was to be an adult present.  We "Grandma" was not really keeping an eye on them.  What I am mainly concerned about is the way my son feels about himself now.  Last night befor bed he said "everytime I close my eyes I see it mom, I hope I can forget about it."  He feels shameful and I want him to know that he did nothing wrong and there is nothing to shame but at the same time express how important it is that he tells me if something like this ever happens again.  I am heart broken that I have to ask my 8 year old sexual questions that he is not ready to answer.
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Listen sweetie my son had a simular thing happen when he was 6yrs old. He was embarrassed; which was completely understandable. He didn't want to talk about it, but I explained to him that it was an important part of the grieving & closure process. I wanted him to know that though it WAS NOT ok what the other child did to him; it was NOTHING to be ashamed of. It seemed to help a lot. Also I put him in counseling. Having someone he could talk too that were'not his parents really seemed to help as well. You being there at any time he needs to talk about it IS A MUST. There can be NO judgement he needs to know he's safe talking to you about it. Another thing is to let him know that most likely the boy who did this to him had it done to him as well. That he as well is a victim in this. That way your son can see that he wasnt just being singled out for just being him. Most sexual abused victims blame themselves. That most of the time when this happens kids dont always know how to talk about it so they do the same that was done to them to another. Tell your son this is why you are making him talk about it. This is why talking about it is so important. You have to tell your son that what the other boy did was wrong. That it's not ok that your son does what was done to him to another no matter what he feels from his experience. Because 9 times out of 10 if the child doesn't feel like they can talk about it; they will end up acting it out too (becoming the abuser themselves). The biggest thing I also did was tell my son that he wasn't alone. There are others that have had this done to them including myself..... Of course I didn't go in to details with my son about my experience, but the relief on my son's face was worth sharing that truth with him. It was almost like he didn't feel alone any more. All these things helped my son tremendously. He can talk now about it with no shame or embarrassment. He doesn't have bad dreams any more, & when I recently asked how he was doing he was very comfortable talking about; as well as a pretty good grasp on the whole thing. It will always be something sad that happened to your son, but if you go about it the right way he will be able to walk away from this as something he's not ashamed of. The next thing is YES you HAVE to keep your son from playing or being around the child who did this to him at all times. No contact AT ALL. Even though the other child is a victim in this too; he still is now the abuser no matter what his age. Sexual molesting is a learned behavior. He's getting it from some where. You don't know what's going on behind closed doors in that childs home. You can't be responsible for what his parents are doing or not doing. Just because they spoke with him in front of you doesn't mean they weren't the ones who introduced it to him. Or they're going about this the right way to make sure it stops. Even if it this is happening because of them or not. You are your child's last devensive. You don't need to treat the other children like he's a monster. You just need to do what is in your control; which is to take your son out of any dangerous sittuation. This being one of them. It's not about what your neighbors (I'm referring to the parents of the boy who did this to your son) might think. It's about protecting your child. I hope this helps.
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I want to apologize for sounding like I was angry at you. I can not stand to see children abused and it is abuse for a child to be introduced to sexually explicit things. You came on here for help with your son and I didnt mean for my post to be so angry sounding towards you. Its not you I am angry at.
Please make sure your son knows he is ok, and he is loved. Let him know someone treated him badly, but thats all it was. This does not define him.
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535822 tn?1443980380
then dont talk about it sometimes the least said is the best way .. distraction is a good way , make sure he is kept busy so the subject finally drops, you are aware now I am sure its not going to happen again , time to let go.
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Avoidance only makes a problem grow. That's how the abused becomes the abuser dear. That's the COMPLETELY wrong thing to do. Take it from someone who has been sexually abused.
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No one is more upset than me and no apology need.  Thank you for your advice
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As mother of four grown ups boys, i cant beleive you still being sympathetic about the agressor!!
You will not convince a already perverted young mind.
I feel sad for yout son he's not getting the right help having both parents, your the adult not your child!! Somehow you should manage to incorporate your Husband so he gets the right mental Support to your child.
I went to similar experience, but i didn't have my parents, YOUR SON DOES, so PLEASE!! Make a fiference
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To add to all of the great advice of therapy and keeping the boys apart, involving your husband, making sure your son knows it isn't his fault; I just wanted to add one more point - to add to the therapy, try to find a therapy group.

I was sexually abused from aged 5-10, as far as we can tell (I repressed a lot of my memories and age 5 was the earliest I could remember, so I could have been longer, we aren't sure still to this day and I'm almost 30), by my parents' close frkends' son. He was 4 years older than me. My best friend (who is the same age as me) and my baby sister (who is 6 years younger than me), we're also abused by the same boy.

His father gang raped a girl when he was 13 or 14 years old, in a park, with 4 or 5 of his friends, when she was walking home from the library. She was 10 or 11 years old. His mother, now that we look back, we believe she was a battered woman. She was always very jumpy and quiet. She listened to his every command. She never argued with him, not even to joke around. I fully believe the boy who abused  us 3 girls learned it from his father, either by watching his father abuse his mother and sister, or by his father abusing him.

If had not had my best friend and my little sister to lean on for support, on top of my therapist and my family, I would have been lost. But having my best friend and sister, two people who understood what I was going through, helped the most. Having people, young people, who I could relate to, not just with the aspect of abuse, but with other things - hobbies, school, music, crushes (when we were ready to think about that again), etc. That's what really kept my head above water and kept me pushing onwards.

I would also suggest trying to get the other boy some help. If the parents are unwilling, which they might be because they might be the abusers in this case as well, you could try what we did to get my abuser help. I'm not sure what the laws are where you live, so it might be worth looking into, but we did press charges. He was a minor, so it didn't ruin his life. It never went to court because he pled guilty to 2/3 counts of sexual abuse of a minor. He was ordered into therapy and we all received restraining orders to feel more safe.

I know this is an old post, but I figured new information is never a bad thing. I hope this helps

Oh and as a last thought, lots of people on here are calling your son a victim, don't call him that. That word makes a person feel so small. I hate it. We are survivors.
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The first question is what have you taught your child that this is causing him so much anguish? Why did he feel that he had to go so long without talking to his own parents? That's the real root problem. Parents should raise their children to make decisions that they are okay with. Teach him that if something he's uncomfortable with happens, it's okay for him to say no and come to you. Especially if he needs help. If he's not doing this, he's more afraid of you than what is happening to him. It's simple to say that you are not happy this happened, but it's done and you'd prefer it not happen again. Then, you move on with your lives. Overreacting is why he's suffering. It is clear that the other child has experienced something beyond what is appropriate for his age. Neither should be afraid of punishment for this, but there needs to be an open line of communication, free of fear, for them to prevent it from happening again. I know it's an old question, but this could help someone else.
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what terrible feelings for a child that young to have.  This obviously cannot be brushed off. If your husband is the understanding type then do involve him if however you know he will negatively effect your son then dont tell him.  Dont allow him to go to the neighbours and keep him away from that boy!!! You don't need to tell anyone his secret he obviously confided in you protect his feelings so talking to the neighbours might not be the best way to protect his secret. Just dont let him go there anymore. And invest in counselling he needs a child psychologist to help him make sense of his feelings the poor boy.
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