My son is 8 years old and best friend with the neighbors son who is about 18 months older than him. This morning my son woke up crying because he said he just had to get something off this chest. He said that this other boy had performed oral sex on him last year. Now my neighbor and I were aware that her son had tried to touch my son last summer and we sat both boys down and talked to them. We both supervise their entire visit and no sleepovers. My son says this has never happened since and happened at the neighbors Grandmas house. Now I have a few questions…1st is how to help my son deal with the shame he is feeling over this. He was crying hysterically, thought I would hate him and does not want me tell my husband. He said he just had to get this off his chest. Those are pretty big feelings for an 8 year old. 2nd do I tell my husband? And 3rd how do I handle this with the neighbor. It’s been a year, do I have another sit down, and do I not allow them to play together anymore?
It is possible the older child has seen the behavior or been abused himself, so I am not certain that them playing together is a good idea.Yes you do tell your husband,.You say you knew that the older boy had touched him when do you mean , previously?
Dont let them play together. You must protect your child!
The older kid is either abused or watching things he should not be watching.
Yes you need to tell your husband. It is his child too, but warn him that he must not
let his anger come accross as disgust for his child. He must be very clear with his son that he loves him and that he is proud of him for telling the truth.
You asked it was normal child experimentation?
Let me as you something. How could this be normal child esperimentation for a child that would never know about such a thing unless they witnessed it or were a victim? No child that grows up watching little house on the praire decides to go do that. Does not happen unless they are seeing sexually explicit television or books or are a victim of abuse.
This makes me furious.
Yes last summer I heard my son saying "This is not cool _____, Get off of me" So I went into the bedroom and found them under the blanket and the other boy was on top of my son. So I called my neighbor right away and we sat the boys down and talked to them both. We decided that there was going to be no more sleepovers and that when they played together there was to be an adult present. We "Grandma" was not really keeping an eye on them. What I am mainly concerned about is the way my son feels about himself now. Last night befor bed he said "everytime I close my eyes I see it mom, I hope I can forget about it." He feels shameful and I want him to know that he did nothing wrong and there is nothing to shame but at the same time express how important it is that he tells me if something like this ever happens again. I am heart broken that I have to ask my 8 year old sexual questions that he is not ready to answer.
I want to apologize for sounding like I was angry at you. I can not stand to see children abused and it is abuse for a child to be introduced to sexually explicit things. You came on here for help with your son and I didnt mean for my post to be so angry sounding towards you. Its not you I am angry at.
Please make sure your son knows he is ok, and he is loved. Let him know someone treated him badly, but thats all it was. This does not define him.
then dont talk about it sometimes the least said is the best way .. distraction is a good way , make sure he is kept busy so the subject finally drops, you are aware now I am sure its not going to happen again , time to let go.
As mother of four grown ups boys, i cant beleive you still being sympathetic about the agressor!!
You will not convince a already perverted young mind.
I feel sad for yout son he's not getting the right help having both parents, your the adult not your child!! Somehow you should manage to incorporate your Husband so he gets the right mental Support to your child.
I went to similar experience, but i didn't have my parents, YOUR SON DOES, so PLEASE!! Make a fiference
Listen sweetie my son had a simular thing happen when he was 6yrs old. He was embarrassed; which was completely understandable. He didn't want to talk about it, but I explained to him that it was an important part of the grieving & closure process. I wanted him to know that though it WAS NOT ok what the other child did to him; it was NOTHING to be ashamed of. It seemed to help a lot. Also I put him in counseling. Having someone he could talk too that were'not his parents really seemed to help as well. You being there at any time he needs to talk about it IS A MUST. There can be NO judgement he needs to know he's safe talking to you about it. Another thing is to let him know that most likely the boy who did this to him had it done to him as well. That he as well is a victim in this. That way your son can see that he wasnt just being singled out for just being him. Most sexual abused victims blame themselves. That most of the time when this happens kids dont always know how to talk about it so they do the same that was done to them to another. Tell your son this is why you are making him talk about it. This is why talking about it is so important. You have to tell your son that what the other boy did was wrong. That it's not ok that your son does what was done to him to another no matter what he feels from his experience. Because 9 times out of 10 if the child doesn't feel like they can talk about it; they will end up acting it out too (becoming the abuser themselves). The biggest thing I also did was tell my son that he wasn't alone. There are others that have had this done to them including myself..... Of course I didn't go in to details with my son about my experience, but the relief on my son's face was worth sharing that truth with him. It was almost like he didn't feel alone any more. All these things helped my son tremendously. He can talk now about it with no shame or embarrassment. He doesn't have bad dreams any more, & when I recently asked how he was doing he was very comfortable talking about; as well as a pretty good grasp on the whole thing. It will always be something sad that happened to your son, but if you go about it the right way he will be able to walk away from this as something he's not ashamed of. The next thing is YES you HAVE to keep your son from playing or being around the child who did this to him at all times. No contact AT ALL. Even though the other child is a victim in this too; he still is now the abuser no matter what his age. Sexual molesting is a learned behavior. He's getting it from some where. You don't know what's going on behind closed doors in that childs home. You can't be responsible for what his parents are doing or not doing. Just because they spoke with him in front of you doesn't mean they weren't the ones who introduced it to him. Or they're going about this the right way to make sure it stops. Even if it this is happening because of them or not. You are your child's last devensive. You don't need to treat the other children like he's a monster. You just need to do what is in your control; which is to take your son out of any dangerous sittuation. This being one of them. It's not about what your neighbors (I'm referring to the parents of the boy who did this to your son) might think. It's about protecting your child. I hope this helps.
Being mad at the 9yr old boy who did this; who most likely was molested himself doesn't solve anything. OF COURSE as a mother she's going to be sympathetic to the aggressor HE'S 9 YEARS OLD. This in NO WAY is a 9yr old boys fault. It's the ADULT who introduced this to him fault. Instead of getting angry & singling out a 9yr old boy (which isn't AT ALL going to help) why not be a little bit more understanding. Your type of response is the exact reason why a child who was the abused; becomes the abuser. Because a response like the one you just posted would make a 9yr old child EXTREMELY uncomfortable to talk about it. So instead they act it out. My son's counselor said the most common way a child expresses him/herself is through more actions than words. Children don't have the maturity to use adult words yet. Just because that kid did this doesn't dismiss what was done to him. So yes the 9YR OLD BOY who did this is also a victum in this. Educate yourself.
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