Is joint physical custody fair?

[ejaynes3]

I'm finding it hard to believe that changing households every 24-48 hours is "normal", nor that the child has any time to adjust...making their environment and behavior unstable.  Going from one set of rules to another day after day...is this fair to the child? Because I don't think that it is.  I'm a stepparent, and it is incredibly hard for me to see this poor child tossed around like this, but the parents refuse to believe that it has any kind of effect on her.  "She's a well adjusted child...and her outbursts, talking back are just her personality."  Someone please tell me I'm not crazy.


This discussion is related to Effects of Joint Custody?.

[Lolly538]

You are not crazy.  In fact, you sound like the only rational, truthful, and concerned adult involved in this heartbreaking situation.  That child is lucky to have you as a stepparent.
I don't understand how anyone could deny that changing residence every day or two would be highly chaotic and disruptive to anyone's life.  That poor kid probably feels like a piece of luggage.    
You might also be told that kids are "adaptable."  That is true... when a child is forced into a situation in which s/he has absolutely no control whatsoever, s/he seems very adaptable.  What is not considered is that the child's emotional developement and sense of stability/security are also "adapting" in response to said situation.  How sad.
If the parents won't do what's in the best interest of the child, all you can do is give that kid as much love, compassion, (loving) discipline, and stability/consistency as possible when s/he is with you.  
  

[Sarah1013]

wow, seems to me like it would be very uncomfortable for the child.

[margypops]

I may be missing something here but didnt you say it was changed every 24- 48 hours not every 7 days ? ;going from one set of rules day after day" if I got that right then I think it is too much for a child to absorb and would create some stress for them...

[RockRose]

HomeMakinMommy,  I'm always amazed when people who seem to be able to get along so well and work cooperatively get divorced.  If they can agree on so much,  and work together without animosity,  I think they should have given marriage a little bit longer try,  rather than make their kids be visitors in two homes.

[RockRose]

I totally agree with you,  ejaynes.  That kind of lifestyle would drive me NUTS.  When it is suggested to parents that they do what would be better for the kids - that the kids stay in one home with all their stuff and their own room and own bed,  and the parents switch out living there,  they quickly react with a   . . . NO,  I'm not going to do that,  that would be horrible.

It would be horrible.

[HomeMakinMommy]

My cousins children go between houses every 7 days the children are 11 and 9. It seems to work for them. The children are well behaved in public at home and at school. The parents have rules for themselves about setting rules for the kids like all rules for the children have to be discussed together so that each parent knows whats going on and can follow the same rule at their house and both houses have the same set of rules. Punishments travel between houses as well. If a child does something at moms and gets grounded from something then the child is also grounded at dad from the same thing. So there is no getting out of punishment at moms house cause its time to go to dads house. They also do household changs on Saturday afternoon so the kids have a night and an entire day before they have to go back to school for the week and obviously they live with in the same school district. If there is a problem at school then both parents are called instead of just one and they (the parents) deal with it together be it a parent teacher meeting or whatever.

[margypops]

Could you enlarge on the logistics here, you say 24-48 hours ,does that mean she comes to you for that length of time then goes back to the other parent for the same time? what happens about school?