Is my 4 year old depressed?

[JFM123]

My daughter just turned four last week.  She is the youngest of three -- her sisters are 5 and 6 years old.  While she has always been a tantrum kid, lately she seems more unhappy that usual.  

Historically, she's thrown all out kicking screaming tantrums at home for her family, but has been a calm, easy to deal with child when she's at daycare.  The first time she happened to throw a tantrum at daycare (for my benefit), her teacher's were stunned by her behavior.  At home she'll throw fits about eating dinner, sharing toys, bedtime - typical stuff - and we've tried as often as possible to let her scream it out in her room - reassuring her that we understand she's angry but that if she's going to throw these kinds of fits, she'll have to do it in her room.  I admit we aren't consistent, however,  her sisters often cave in to get her to stop screaming as do I, particularly when I'm trying to make dinner.  So she's established a pattern and definitely knows how to elicit reactions, etc.  

In August we changed daycares and now she's even moodier and more emotional.  Her teacher's have said that she's been very shy and that it's been hard for her to make new friends because the kids in her class have all been together for two years and have really bonded with one another.  It's also her first time at daycare without her sisters as they're both now in Elementary school.  Every evening I pick her up and she's playing alone.  She's often grumpy, pouts, stomps her feet and tells me how "nobody is my friend, nobody likes me".  The past two weeks have become even worse, with her making comments like "I hate myself, I hate my daycare. Nobody in my family loves me".  Her teacher's tell me she's making slow progress and coming out of her shell, but do I chalk all this behavior up to the changes and her shyness and struggle to make friends or should I be concerned that it's something more?  

She's also been acting out for teachers by not listening to them or follow directions, something she's never done before.  At her previous daycare where she'd been from age 2 1/2 - nearly 4, she had really begun to talk often about her friends and seemed to really be enjoying herself every day.  Now she smiles and giggles much less often and I'm really concerned.  I discussed the tantrum behavior with my pediatrician and he attributed much of it to the fact that we haven't been consistent in how we address it and suggested that it may wane with a more consistent reaction.   My husband and I are happily married and we spend our free time together as a family, however we do both work full-time and have harried weekday schedules, which contributes to the inconsistent response to her tantrums.   I would appreciate any thoughts you have.

Thank you.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is very likely that your daughter will stabilize at school over time. I agree that much of what you are witnessing is associated with the new experience, the transition, entering an already-formed group, etc. The best predictor of the future is the past, and she adapted well in her former program. She will likely do this again. Havinf said that, it is crucial for you to be consistent re: management of her tantrums. Your approach of having her be in her room for the duration of such episodes is fine, but be consistent about it. Otherwise you will unintentionally be reinforcing her problematic behavior. The school, hopefully, will not tolerate her defiance of authority in the classroom.She should be placed in time out if she does not comply with the teacher's directions. It won't be enough to talk with her, warn her, etc.

[mommatialuv]

A related discussion, 4 year old hates sleep was started.