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Is my child a sociopath?

My son is 10 years old and for as long as I can remember we have been having issues with his behavior.  In the beginning it was stealing little things like snack cakes and pens off my desk and it progressed to stealing bigger things like my husbands watch.  Added to this he lies almost constantly, sneaks around and is always making up stories to see if he can trick someone into believing him.  We took all of that in stride and tried to believe that he was a normal child with behavior problems. We tried postive and negative reinforcement, time-outs, grounding, taking things away and just about everything else at one time or another.  We even moved to another state to give him a new start in a new school, with new friends and in a house with his own room instead of in a tiny apartment but things just got worse and worse.  

Last year he was having problems in school and nearly failed. He has already taken first grade twice and second grade twice and he nearly had to take second grade for a third time because he didnt want to do the work. Not because he can't or because he is distracted but because he thinks his teachers are too stupid to teach him anything. This year he has been better but I think it is because he has tricked the teacher into giving him most of the answers on his work and making things very easy on him because he is so small and she feels that he is being mistreated at home.  They even called child services because of the stories that he told them.

We also found out that he has been peeing in his room. At first he was peeing on the clothes in his laundry basket and then he began peeing in the corners and in his clothes depending on how badly the need was. His reason for this is alternately that he is trying to teach me a lesson and that I should let him wander the house and do whatever he wants and that it is his room and he should be allowed to do anything he wants in there even pee.

When we realized that he was peeing in his room we took him to a mental hospital for inpatient treatment and they kept him for 8 days before releasing him.  I was told that they could not keep him there because he was not a danger to anyone and besides he promised not to pee and would follow all the rules ect.  That only lasted a few hours after he got home and he was peeing again.  We moved him out of his room and into the living room so that he wouldnt have the opportunity to do it anymore and we thought that was the end of that until he tried to starve our ferrets by pretending to feed them but not actually doing it.  His reason was that he was tired of them and wanted to see how long it would take them to die.  I sat him down to talk about this and he told me that he was also planning to kill the cat, myself and my 10 month old because he was also tired of us.  I took him back to the mental hospital where they kept him for 24 days with absolutely no improvement.  This time they released him because he said that he no longer planned to kill anyone and was all better.  The couselor suggested that I send him to a boys camp because even though he said he was better and they were sending him home they did not feel that he was really better.

So here we are trying to decide what we should do with our son.  He is 10 years old and the size of an 8 year old, has mild Cerebral palsy and needs shots in order to grow.  If I send him to this camp he will not get the chance to grow normally and wont get all the treatment for his CP. Neither of which will matter if he doesnt get the mental help he needs.  I hate the idea of sending my son away because I am his mother and feel that I should be the best thing for him.  The problem is that he wants to kill me and thinks that it is okay if he does.  He does not express remorse for anything that he has done and never has, is extremely maniputlative and is not affected by punishments or consequences of any kind because he feels that they are only temporary and do not matter.  I am nearly convinced that he is a sociopath but he is SO manipulative that the doctors havent been able to see the real child and instead see the fake one that he is so good at portraying.  What can I do in this situation?
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15439126 tn?1444443163
- investing in mattress protector pads highly recommended (moisture barriers, absorb lots, easily washed), get at least 2 or 3 for convenient rotation
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Avatar universal
My son doesn't seem to fit any category precisely.  He finally became violent and beat me two nights ago. He is turning 16 this month.   Prior to that I never had cause to fear physical harm from him.  He was taken into custody and returned to us yesterday but is facing up to nine months in a juvenile detention center.  His behaviors started at a very young age:
Even after potty training he continued to wet the bed.  He still continues to do this, sleeps in it to the point of my having to throw out his mattresses.  He began the same behavior with defecation when he was around 12.
He will soil himself and not clean himself.  There are times when I will find feces on chairs, walls, the floor.  He has been complained about by fellow students for his odor.  I have tried private schools, home schooling, public schools.  He is highly intelligent and knows how to present himself to his instructors.   It takes a little while but he begins failing.
He destroys most anything we give him.   Furniture, clothing, even his carpet, walls, doors, electronics (these he seems remorseful about).
He urinates all over his room, hoards food and garbage.  I will scrub his room, and I do mean scrub-carpe, walls, furniture, windows,everything-with bleach water.  I will throw away bags full of garbage and ruined clothing.  He will immediately begin the process of messing his room again.
He is obese and will sneak food.  Frozen, in cans, it doesn't matter.  We lock food in our room and buy only enough food for each day.
He refuses to socialize in any way.   Sports, make friends, hobbies.  His only outlets are gaming and one friend who he very infrequently sees and has known since early childhood.  I have to work very hard at keeping him in my son's life.
He is overly emotional.  At times his reactions seem over the top.  Other times he will ignore me completely.
He can be very mean to his sister and brother to the point they ask why he hates them.  It is not violence but mental and emotional abuse.  They are a good deal younger, 7 and 9.  I never feared for their safety until 2days ago.
He lies.  About insignificant things as well as when directly confronted about specific events.
He can also be the sweetest most loving person you have ever met.  He is funny and creative and kind.
He was seeing a psychologist on two seperate occasions.  Neither was willingly.  They gave us coping strategies.  None of which worked.
I have an appointment for him with a psychiatrist next week.  I had to fight for it-apparently most hospital systems want a psychologist to evaluate first.  I refused and after insisting for over =20 minutes they scheduled him with the Dr.  This appointment was scheduled 3 weeks ago.
There are other incedences like hitting himself, burning things, keeping a dead hamster in his pocket and telling me it was sleeping.  
Writing this is very difficult.  I just feel like I'm at the end.
Any suggestions as to what he may have so I can continue to research is appreciated.
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189897 tn?1441126518
COMMUNITY LEADER
   Great post!  Thank you for sharing!
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Avatar universal
Autism awareness is a new thing and still looked down upon as a lame excuse for bad parenting by people who don't know any better. I went through hell raising my now "tween" son with autism, despite being a soldier and supposedly having good health care. They make us jump through the same hoops to find any help, then would take it away when they thought he was getting better, which created an unstable cycle for him. Also, some professionals still privately think cold mothers are the cause, others will still doubt the diagnoses despite numerous evaluations and letters confirming the the issues we were having. Very hurtful when you are seeking help and not just ignoring the problem, to the point where sometimes you want too.  

I have two children and am very affectionate, but since the age of about 9 months, my autistic son has had fits if I tried to cuddle him, would turn away if I tried to play with him or just ignore me. It hurt my feelings badly and I felt very alone due to his repeated rejections of me, so me being "cold" was not the issue at all. He's more affection now, our relationship has improved due to me never giving up on trying to get through to him, that I love him and admitting I'm not perfect, but do always do my best and he must do the same; follow the rules to the best of his ability or face consequences.

He use to have terrible tantrums, screaming, pulling his hair, banging his head on things, throwing himself around the room, over very minor things- like being told no about something. Once he reached a certain age (about 6 or 7), I told him matter of factly I would not subject me or other household members to his temper, so if he was too emotional to be around others, to go to his room until he calmed down. At first, I had to force him to leave the room. He would also ruin things in his room once he got in there, like ripping the bottom of his door off. They are obviously looking for attention when they intentionally escalate like that, so I refused to give him a reaction in those moments. I honestly think that continuing to treat him like a normal child & not letting him know how upsetting it was for me, was key to him not continuing that behavior. I would just shake my head, told him to clean it up once he'd calmed down. When it was done, it was done- I didn't bring it up again, or talk badly about him to family or friends, so as not to destroy his reputation and give him a bad image to live up to.

We still have plenty of issues, but him being destructive towards himself or the house hasn't been an issue since he was about 7yrs old. I discovered him using social media inappropriately tonight, so took his phone away, which resulted in over an hour of loud wailing while laying in his bed, ending with him puking in the toilet. He's still highly emotionally reactive, but he knows where my line is drawn in the sand and doesn't cross it.

Children like this take a lot of patience and self discipline on the parents part, regardless of what diagnoses they receive. As much as I would like to be a permissive parent, as I don't naturally like to be strict, there is no room for that. I also make sure to talk to him a lot, to explain why I do what I do and also to ask him what's upsetting him (sometimes it's not the thing we are even disciplining them over). Tonight the fit started over his phone, but morphed into something else completely. He worried no one would like him anymore, including me, so I have to reassure him I'll always love him and be there for him, but that I was angry and only because I love him, do I take the time and effort to discipline him. People that didn't love him, wouldn't bother, they would just avoid him. I explain I don't want his life to be like that, with people avoiding him his whole life, so teaching him wrong from right, was better to learn now from someone who cares about him.

Though it's been a long night, we are waking up very early, me, him and my toddler, to go enroll him on a drill team. I think that will help him make more positive friends, to feel proud of himself and introduce him to more self-discipline. Most extra's like sports are expensive and competitive, but drill teams are usually free and emphasis everyone cooperating together. We are also starting to practice breath focused meditation together, as I feel that will help him self-regulate his emotions better. Do not give up on your kids! If you can't reach them, then who can?

Building a relationship is important, discipline with no relationship built, will only result in rebellion. Something I have to remind myself of when I'm tired and don't think I have the patience. He can be a sweet kid, but he interrupts a lot and talks incessantly about singular topics that only interest him (typical for people with autism) so sometimes bonding with him in the ways that women usually do, can be difficult. I find physical activities that don't require lots of talking work best for bonding with boys, like sparring or kicking a ball around. We still talk plenty, but I don't consider that bonding time for either of us, as it's obvious with the chattering on that trying to hold conversations over mundane things can be nerve wrecking for us both.

We never know what could have caused this for our children, we like to think that will tell us anything, but often they won't. They could have been abused or molested by a trusted family member or friend, which resulted in them acting this way. Maybe it is chemical. But they are children, and if we can barely deal with them as adults, think of how scary it must for them to deal with themselves as children, especially when they act in ways that push people away, and then result in them feeling unloved. They probably have no clue what the first step would be to rectify the situation, especially if they've lost the trust and confidence of everyone in their lives. Make room for them to improve!

This isn't just coming from a parent, but from a girl who was also troubled. No one knew I was being molested from 4-12 yrs old. I acted in similar ways as a tween and young teenager to what you all are describing. My mother didn't know what to do with me and sent me away, which in my mind, sealed my fate as a bad seed. Due to her venting to family members, I also felt like an outcast in my family (and still do with extended family). I was in and out of residential treatment facilities, mis-diagnosed with all kinds of serious mental illnesses, put on medication that made me feel suicidal for the first time in my life and eventually landed in juvenile hall. Thankfully my dad and step mom reentered the picture. As they weren't involved before, they didn't hear years worth of bad things about me and being very country, didn't subscribe to much of what the doctors said anyways. Moving in with them, allowed me the room to transform into a better person, without labels and being treated as an outcast.

Aside from living in the country and discipline, they also took time out to talk to me about deeper things in life & allowed me to see adults aren't meant to be perfect. They spent time with me. I actually felt cared about for once in my life, not just my physical needs, but as a person with a soul that needed mending. I'm not overly religious, but I cultivated a strong personal relationship with Jesus in their home. It wasn't pushed on me, but the peace my step-mother spoke about it giving her had an impact. No one who knows me today, would guess I had such a storied past as a young teenager, as I'm very caring, kind and responsible. I'm also a decorated combat veteran with no mental illness, a home owner and working on my degree in social science. I'm now best friends with my mother, who I once scared badly at 12, by writing repeatedly in my diary, that I wanted her to die (I didn't, just wanted attention & was using shock to get it, knowing she read my diary). Have hope!
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Avatar universal
Tonja ~ wow. your situation is EXTREMELY difficult and I cant imagine all you've gone through. Logically, it seems as if you have tried to get to the bottom for your sons issues. I have questions: how is the relationship between father and son? I would not take lightly the remarks made to kill you and an infant esp. if your son has performed animal abuse (not feeding ferrets). You have a responsibility to protect all of your children, even from themselves/each other. Has this son been diagnosed? Is there medication to help curb his inclinations? Perhaps he should be put into a reform type environment like assisted living for CP diagnosis. Have you had a chance to talk to a minister/priest/rabbi concerning your sons behavior and attitude? What does the school say?
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Avatar universal
The woman's husband sounds to me like he has an extreme case of borderline personality disorder. I know, because my father was one. He tells the children those lies about their mother because of a borderline's trademark fear of abandonment. Also border line's dish out verbal abuse because of their incontrollable emotions, especially when something posses them off, and it could be literally ANYTHING that pisses them off. He also seems to blame the mother for everything in the relationship which makes sense because borderline's idolize themselves and possess an extreme Narssasisitic behavior. Unfortunately my Father's Borderline behavior and many other Borderline's behavior can be a crucial cause for the formation of a sociopath. I have become one because of him. Most of these Borderline forming Sociopath cases develop at the child's earliest age when they start excuses for anything because of their borderline parents actions. They manipulate teachers by using the stories of their childhood stories and bringing out the works by crying. In fact most sociopaths view it as a game of some sorts with everyone around them as their pieces to use at their leisure. They feel they can treat anyone like crap because of their past. There is not much you can do to stop them, therapists often find the stories they tell convincing enough to claim there is no problem and often find it difficult to pinpoint a sociopath when they see one. My best advice, being a sociopath is be a STRICT parent. Don't use threats because they can use that against you. Instead, watch them do their homework, send them to the therapist, raise them like a normal child with a small problem. Don't let their lies get past you or anyone around them, keep strict ties with anyone they interact with as to prevent manipulation. Don't make it easy for the sociopath. The peeing, is difficult to prevents, and I advise you to make the therapist aware of it as well as teachers, relatives, etc. Perhaps placing a carpet in their room, which they would view as a pawn revolting against them, the player, and most likely would tell a lie to someone for that so make everyone aware of the special carpet or whatever you put in their. as for the abusive behavior aware everyone of it and don't take it. Yank the blank put of their hands or stop them, restrain them, whatever it take. Look them square in the eye, and say "Continue this and watch what wild happen." Didn't say it in a threatening tone and make everyone aware of what you say. They may view this as a rouge pawn, a.k.a. you, but also wonder what will happen. Of course they will try it again, but repeat the phrase. Observe them, watch the one possessing they value and use it. If they threaten you as the parent take responsibility and DO WHAT A NORMAL PARENT WOULD DO.  If you show them your fear they will use it against you. They are instinctively master manipulators. Remember to make everyone aware of the actions you take day by day. Make it hard for them to lie to anyone.

I wish all of you and m3168 the best of luck and hope that my advice and story will be of good use to you. Unfortunately there is no cure for something like this but if you handle the situation correctly further growth of the problem will hopefully cease. Do not call your child's issue a disease or say something is wrong with them. They need tour love and support to get through this. Not fear or a crisis. Stay strong and even get a therapist to help YOU through this tough time. If you keep a cool head you WILL get through this.
Sincerely,
A sociopath who wants to prevent more sociopaths from going through the same situation she did.
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