Is my son's behavior normal?

Hello.  I was a single mom until two years ago when I met a wonderful man and married him.  I moved to the city that my husband lived and now live with him and his 3 teen-age kids.  It's been a bumpy ride for me adjusting to our new living situation.  But I am quite happy.  I do have one big issue however that is making us fall apart.  
When my son was born, he woke up alot as many kids do and my husband was unable to help.  So after months of not sleeping enough, I talked to his doctor and he suggested that I either let him cry himself to sleep for a few night until learned to sleep through the night or just bring him into our bed so I could feed him quickly and got back to sleep without getting out of bed.  He did warn me that this will become a very hard habbit to break.  I tried the 1st but couldn't do it.  So he came to our bed and eventually my husband moved to his room!  My relationship with my ex wasn't great to begin with and this didn't help and we eventually got a divorce.  At the time my son was 31/2.  He was even more sensetive and scared after the divorce and refused to sleep in his own bed.  My mistake but I absoulutly enjoyed sleeping next to him.  He was the cutest child and I loved holding him and kissing him and watching while he slept.  I would try to start him in his own bed but he would always wake up and come to my bed later in the night.  I had to work two jobs and he didn't see much of me or his dad (he would be in pre-school or with my parents).  around age 6, he finally slept in his own room and occassionally would come to my bed near morning some days.  And by age 8 he stopped that completely.  About a year ago my husband and I attended a seminar.  One of the topics was children's behavior and the doctor (a PHd in Socialogy) talked about children's sexuality at different ages.  He was very much against children of oposit sex sleeping next to their parents and said that some of them in the future my have sexual proplems or maybe attracted to older partners. A mother who was sitting behind us, got up and said that she has let her son sleep next to her for years and what should she do?  And the doctor said that the problems will show at a later time and he will have to see therapy in the future if need be.
Ever since then, my husband says that my now 10 years old son has sexual feelings for me and touchs me in a funny way.  He says on our wedding day, when I was getting dressed my son who was 81/2 then peeked through the door to see me naked.  And he says he has seen him hug me from behind and he thinks he is getting some kind of pleasure from that.  He doesn't like it when my son comes to our room for any reason.  Specially if I am alone.  We used to lay down on his bed (him under cover and me next to him over the cover) and read together and that has become a major sin in our household since I moved in here with my new husband.  If he comes home and see us hugging or sitting and talking, he walks away mad like he just caught me cheating!  I talked to my psycologist and explained the whole thing and she says from what I explain, there is nothing going on and if there is some curiosity, it's normal for his age.  She told me not to mention this to my son and create a problem that doesn't exist.  I even took my husband there to talk to her and she explained the same thing to him but he totally denies that she did!  I also saw my son's pedatrician and he said that these cases are extreemly rare and my son is normal and I have nothing to worry about.  But my husband continues to get mad everytime he sees any kind of effection between us.  We fight over it and we dont' talk for days.  He refuses to see a doctor with me and he says he sees it with his own eyes and thinks it's inappropriate.  I don't feel anything abnormal and that is why I get really mad when he accuses my son.  He is great little boy.  He does well at school, all of his friends parents constantly tell me how well mannered he is and how sweet he is.  His teachers love him.  And he hasn't even reached puberty yet. He is just very affectionate like I am.  That's all.
I now find myself keeping a distance from my son whom I love more than anyone in this whole world to avoid fights in the house.  My son asked me the other day why I look around when I kiss him!  I love my husband and besides this issue, we have no other major problems.  We have a good life and I feel like it's going down the drain for something that doesn't exist.  
Am I wrong?  How can I proove to him the our relationship is normal.  We just really love each other like a mother and son should.  I don't want to put this non-sense in my son's head.  How can I make sure he is in fact normal and put this stupid issue to rest for good?
HELP..!

[kayakka]

Sounds to me like Step-parent jealousy thing. Its sometimes hard making that step taking on someone else's child. I took on 4 and its still a struggle even now they're adults. I feel my partner struggles to accept my son (not hers biologically). You sound perfectly normal to me, and the only scary thing I can see is the possibility of shunning him, especially at this important age, becase of what 'other people might think'. Your husband is an adult. Maybe you could suggest he begin to behave like one.

[margypops]

This has been normal loving behavior and I do not agree one bit with the Doctor at the seminar your son has done nothing inappropiate. It would be better now if he has his own  bedto sleep in, and you share yours with your Husband, I agree with the above post that  it has created a jealousy issue and has alienated your son from his step dad.It is not un-reasonble for a Mom and a Dad or even other Family to sit or lay on top of a bed to read stories so you should put your foot down and do this,you dont have to prove anything..

[Auspiciousme]

Thank you margypops and kayakka for your responses.  I have talked to friends and my family and they have never noticed any abnormal behavior from my son towards me or anyone.  He is just a very loving boy but my husband makes such a big deal of things that I sometimes doubt myself and think maybe something is worng and I am just denying it.  He has been in his own bed for the past 2 years and doesn't come to me during the night at all.  Our door is closed and he always knocks and waits for my okay to come in.  I knew myself that my husband is just jealous of him and I just wanted someone else to tell me that.  The last time my husband has kissed his kids was months and months ago. Now that to me is abnormal!

[kayakka]

I had all a kid could want. Plenty of food on the table, toys,clean sheets etc. Except for one thing. I know my Mum loved me but she failed to show it in the way that matters, physically, ie hugs, kisses, caresses...I'm trying to make up for it with my kids but its difficult unlearning the habit of physical distance. You are giving your son the most positive start in life. Don't underestimate the power of a cuddle, though you seem to know instinctively of that power. I don't think your man is jealous of your son, but is jealous of your love for your son, and that it is somehow undermining your love for him. Does HE get enough cuddles?

[SeriousSam]

Personally you failed to draw boundaries that you should have at a younger age and in some child custody cases if the whole sleeping together thing were brought up it would not have been in a positive light.

I can't and won't guess a third hand account of behavior but yours was not normal nor generally good for your child.  Life is a process of learning boundaries mores etc. and really if you think about it the ones that you have practiced are not those of the prevalent culture of our society and are very likely to have instilled an oedipus complex and a curiousity regarding girls that is going to start with the most available subject.  Namely yourself.

With children and pets the best ways of instilling good behaviors is to start young, the same holds true with bad behaviors.  And honestly you have already shown your child that you prefer him to sleep with you over your spouse the psychological ramifications were not good for either.

[Auspiciousme]

My husband gets heavy duty cuddles from me all the time!!  I am very attracted to him so I kiss him and hug him all the time.  I expceted the behavior that he is displaying from my son.  I expected him to be jealous of sharing me with his step dad and his children.  But although I am sure he feels a bit of jealousy, he is been very gracious. Whenever I want to buy something for him, he immedeately asks me to buy one for his step brothers too.  I know in my heart that he is a good person and it's all because of all the love he got from me and my family and of course his own father.  To me showing your children how important they are and how much you love them is the most important thing in raising them.  Of course I do teach him bounderies and responsibilities.  My husband had a very serious dad that never hugged him.  He was also sent at age 14 to a different country which he had no one and he had to get used to taking care of himself all alone.  He did well.  But I do think he was scarred.  The past two years that I have lived with him, I haven't once seen him to hang out with his kids and smile and enjoy himself.  Everytime I ask him, he denies it or says he is preparing them for the real world.
I think that's wrong.  I grew up in a very very loving family and even spoiled to a point.  But when I had to stand on my own and face life, I did.  It was hard but I did it.  
Anyway, I never have felt any kind of sexual attention from my son.  He loves me a lot but that's all it is.  He loves his mommy!

[margypops]

The most important thing isthat you do not let his pattern of behavior brush off on you and reading your thread I am sure you wont ,it is probably that your husband  wants all the attention for himself from you, and finds it hard to share you, he is jealous of your affection towards your son, what you dont want to believe is that there  is anything other than a Mothers love here and he shouldnt be feeling or saying that.to you. You sound okay if he gets on your case about it just tell him he is wrong and walk awy ,dont feed into it like a child ,it will get him negative attention.

[kayakka]

serious Sam, are you serious? The only ones putting a sexual context in all of this are yourself and the stepdad. But I guess comparing children and pets says it all. You're absolutely right about the custody stuff, and I'm sure its the same in your country where loving parents are treated as perverts by those with issues around intimacy of the non-sexual kind. yes, its a sad indictment of 'civilised' society that we do this, and its hard to recognise in ourselves. Auspicious, you are a brave soul and the above post demonstrates the risk you are taking in being open, real and honest. A pity there arern't more parents around like you, not only demonstrative and loving, but honest and brave as well.

[Auspiciousme]

Thank you all.  I appreciate the support.  I am certain that my husband wants all my attention and if he thinks something is going on, it's his issue.  I will continue to love my son and I will continue to show him that I do.  I have told my husband that being a mother and putting my child first is the most important thing to me.  I have enought love to give to both of them without threatening either relationship.  And there is nothing sexual about that!

[SeriousSam]

Do any of you guys have any knowledge (professional or non jerry springer or Oprah derived) of child development?

Or are they just having a special sale on cherry flavored crack?

YOU are not the one who is going to have the problem your son is all because you aren't comfortable with your husband, a body pillow, or a teddy bear.

Look up Electra comples and oedipus complex.

Even in the most primitive society boundaries are sooner or later set, and you are disregarding that because you wanted not advise based in the real world but rather to find a group of people to feed your fantasies.

Talk to a child psychologist-again!

At your sons age he is subconciously in competition for your attention.  Sign him up for coed activities where he is around other girls HIS age but I bet you will very shortly after doing that find reasons why you are uncomfortable with that if he finds any that are attracted to him.

But he is an adolescent male and will be attracted to some degree to any female with estrogen under 90 and it is your duty to direct that not exacerbate an already difficult time that is confusing and bewildering NOT to you but for him.

[kayakka]

Calm down SS. Recall who is putting the 'sexual' spin on this. The phD in Sociology (like that qualifies!) another 'professional' and your esteemed self....even Stepdad would probably be okay were it not for an 'expert' raising the demons of abnormality. No, I don't go for Pop-counselling TV shows, and don't put myself upon a pedestal by virtue of how many letters I have after my name. I have as much right as you do to an opinion and I'd be glad to continue this debate in another forum, its just that I feel these people need to be left in peace to get on with their normal lives. You choose the time, place and hemisphere  

[SeriousSam]

Sure, but she should still see a child counselor!  As ALL of us posters are just amatures giving opinions though the psychological aspect is kind of funny as traditionally her acts would produce one of the three extremes.

1) A "momma's boy"
2) A womanizer.
3) A gay male.

It would be really intriguing if I could track this development up through the age of eighteen and maybe even use them as the basis of a doctoral paper.


But lets be real most people come on these forums hoping they can get a large mass of under educated opnionated lunks to tell them they are normal and sane.  And that is usually what they get even though it is estimated almost everyone has their own nuerosis!

The last thing people usually want is more experts to tell them they are cracked!

And really do you even know what a sociologist does?

Just out of curiousity what type of experience are you bringing to the table?  Your profile is bereft of a lot of detail?

[SeriousSam]

Just out of curiousity given the relative low population density of new zealand don't you guys have a relatively high amount of sex crimes given your definitions are more liberal than most countries.

Ie. rape, incest, bestiality etc..  I was just looking up som stats from your department of justice and just had to ask.

[kayakka]

FYI

I have a degree in sociology
I do not believe that makes me more qualified to give opinion than the next person
experience: three decades of child-rearing, my own and steps
I do not wish to engage in puerile 'my country is more civilised than yours' ****
I prefer a debate where each gives an opinion based on its merits, not who can degrade the other furthest
I will not be posting in this thread again so you can have the last word
Have a nice day

[SeriousSam]

What profession do you work in where your degree is so irrelevant?  I take it you do not work in any area of Social Work?  

Besides which you brought up the culture aspect not me if you read your own posts, which given looser standards a relatively high level of child abuse and sex crimes does bear a marked relevancy to a post.

Other than that I don't see anything relevant.  Have a nice day.

A copy of the message will be sent to you. lol

[Auspiciousme]

Wow...guys!  I don't encourage any sexual behavior in my son towards me!  I don't need a degree to know that's sick!  And my son doesn't sleep with me or touch me or anything like that.  My son used to have many friends that were girls and he still does.  Although he prefers to play with boys at this age which is very normal.  My doctor told me that my son may have some curiosity towards me and that is normal.  I know I may have made a mistake letting him sleep with me when he was younger but my motherly instinct wouldn't let me ignore my scared 4years old child.  He felt better and safer when he slept next to me so I let him.  
Anyway, just to make sure, I will talk to a child psycologist.  And my husband has agreed to talk to a psycologist himself.
I just don't understand why we over analyze everything.  In many countries and even here in US, many people don't have more than one room and kids have to sleep with their parents.  Does that mean that they will all grow up to be perverts and sexally damaged?  I don't have an education about this. I am a mother and I know in my heart that loving my son and consoling him when is afraid or worried, is not a sexual act and is the best thing I can do for him.  I do have bounderies and he knows his limit.  
Thank you all for you opinions though.  I appreciate your time.

[babygirl6152]

OK- I did the same as you- I have two boys 13 years apart. and they are both fine and they both love me and their step dad and their bio dad, but they will always be closer to me- you know why? Because I was there for them when dad ran away..... A man is supposed to stand with their family during the tough times. A real man deals with temptation and and turns back to his family. Yes these are my issues. I am no longer bitter about it. But I do judge men that run away from their family duties to be with the blonde of the month. Bottom line- she dumped him- another long story.

so to the OP:
I can see all sides now- My youngest son will be 17 next month. The eldest will be 30 next month. THEY BOTH wanted to sleep with mom- I have been a single mom TWICE.

Dad let us all sleep in a family bed on and off. Dad left for someone blonder cuter and of course younger and sweeter than ME! - #2 Boy wanted mom (then 4)- He has not slept with mom since age 8. I remarried when he was age 9. When dad left, I'll admit, I actually wanted comfort too. I tried on and off to get him in his own bed-lot's of times he tried for months- I tucked him in ,read hima story,and he slept there til early morning just like OP son-
My eldest wanted to sleep with me til age 13 (now 29)- he would fall asleep and step dad/coach would come in late from ballgames and pick him up or wake him at least- and move him to his own bed. I usually put him in bed with me when he was sick. #1 boy even sat in bed with me at age 20 lots of nights and we yacked about college, friends, prayed together, talked of my future.....I guess it all depends on the kid. He does not need his momma any more- We go months without talking- except he does text his younger brother once a week and asks for little messages here and there to be passed on..... He lives in Colorado- another state, he has had serious relationships that have ended (so far) only in friendships. He has his own business and has a psychology degree. I want grandchildren but he has not found the right girl yet. Pretty decent kid- summary: seems fine to me!

My son #2 was already "soft" I worried about the whole 'mommy's boy' thing too. New step dad did wonder if the boy was too close to me too. I can't tell you how to do this with your son and husband, but my two had to forge a good relationship. They played video games, went out to eat just the two of them, "he-man" movies, now they are on WOW together . This kid is now 16, drives, is in the band, has a job, wonderful student, talks of marriage and of children, but still adores his momma. There is perfect balance there because we made a perfect balance. We actually fight over him when he has a day off from work- Step dad almost meets him coming downstairs and begs him to play WOW with him. They are the best of friends. My son has never given us a moment's trouble- ever. We just chose to get thru the jealousy thing. We were the adults and we worked it out! And don't be fooled - it is jealousy. But the grown ups should know how to get through it. Your husband needs to quit branding your son and move on with life and make things the way you all WANT them to be. We did.

SO- It's time for step dad to swallow hard, look at all this from "outside the situation" and NOW get a plan- you all are worrying about the past- it's over- what's done is done- quit pointing fingers and worrying. Work from here.....get the two men involved and keep enjoying your son. It will all be fine, mom- You'll see!

[babygirl6152]

BTW Your son does not come first if this is going to work- your son will be long gone when you and your husband are still growing old together.

Your husband gets priority over your son- seek him out the second he walks in the door- give him a huge kiss. You may not agree now- but it is for the best trust me.

[SeriousSam]

When taking advise on relationships try to  look at what the person you took advise froms problems have been that they have posted.

It gives a little bit of perspective.

[margypops]

By not posting you let SS win ,cant you see thats why he is using this disruption technique , as he has today on the other thread, he has done it on other forums I am surpriosed MH allows it to happpen and he even calls us names.

[Brooke050870]

Hi, I saw your post and I wanted to leave a comment.  My mom was never married to my real father and I never met him.  We lived with my grandparents until my mom got married to my step dad, three months before my 4th birthday.  When my mom and I lived at my grandparents house, there was not a lot of room and as far back as I can remember, my mom and I always shared a double bed.  That was the sleeping arrangement, and I knew no different.  Then she married my stepdad and I was immediately put into my own bed, and I had a lot of trouble sleeping for at least two years.  Sometimes I would crawl into bed with my mom, and then when my mom wasn't aroud to hear, my stepdad would snarl at me and say really hateful things.  What a big man to snarl at a child who was only 4!  I am female and there was no sexual issue/oedipal issue about me wanting to sleep with my mom, but I do believe that my stepdad was jealous of our relationship.  He showed it in other ways.  The entire time I was growing up, I would go to my mom for a cuddle and a kiss and my stepdad would tell me I needed to go away and leave my mother alone.  Of course he did this because he wanted all of her attention for himself.  I am a very physical person, I cuddle my own son all the time even though he is getting to be a big boy (aged 8), and I have to say that I really resented my stepdad for trying to stop me and my mom from being affectionate, just because he wanted to act like a jealous child.  And as time went on, I began to resent my mom too, for not standing up to him and telling him that she was going to give her daughter as many hugs and kisses as she wanted.  I am not saying it was right that I didn't have my own bed until I was almost 4.  I am saying that it would have been nice if my step dad could have remembered that he was an adult and shown a little love and understanding for someone besides himself.  I think it is shameful that your son is being more gracious about the situation than your husband is!  I worry that if your husband doesn't change his ways, your son will end up hating him and possibly resenting you too, for staying with someone like your husband, who either has some issues or was completely brainwashed by that sociologist at the seminar you both attended.  You sound like a great mom and it sounds like you have a wonderful, loving relationship with your son.  It would be a shame if your relationship with your son was to become colored negatively by your husband's petty jealousy or possible inability to think on his own after attending the seminar.  I think family counseling wouldn't hurt.  Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if my family would have gotten some counseling before my mom and step dad got married.  Children are precious and while I agree that boundaries need to be set, they also need to feel loved and secure.  That comes before anything in my opinion.  At the age of 38, I still look back on many things that happened between my step dad, my mom and I, with a lot of hurt and resentment.  Everyone is going to have a different opinion about this.  I wanted to share my personal experience with you from the perspective of the then-child in the situation,  in the hopes that it may shed some light.  Best wishes to you.

[margypops]

The above post from Brooke was a good one , with a perspective from her ,as she says it is petty jealousy,your husband is the  is the one with the problem ,hey you got more than you bargained for on this thread didnt you.I hope some of it  has helped you put it into context. Good luck

[Lori_2367]

First let me say I am sorry for the position you are in. I too made that mistake and allowed my son to sleep with me until he was five. However, rather than just being possive of a man in my life, he is masterbating (masturbating) like it is his job. I have told him it is normal, not dirty, but to take it to his room. The psychatrist I saw as well as my son, said he absolutly cannot sleep in my bed anymore. NO MATTER WHAT. It is time for tough love. I, like you loved having him in my bed and watching him sleep. I ate every second of it up. He was so angelic and peceful, and beauitful. I also did it for the reaosn I was breastfeeding and he was eating every two hrs like clock work. I was a single mother working 12 hrs a day and then took on second job. So, I became extremly  sleep deprived and developed Fibromylgia (fibromyalgia) and carpel tunnel syndrom (syndrome) due to him falling asleep in my arms. He was terrified of sleeping alone. I have tried letting him fall asleep in my room and then took him into his room, but I sware, he has a sixth sence. he would wake up shortly after and cry like no other not to mention yell at me for leaving him. So, rather than him make any sexual stunts dward me, he masterbates. I have not taught him this.I am not sure where he picked it up from. I first saw him rubbing his pelvis aroung and around a huge pole in Best Buy (I was mortivated) so I picked him up and put him inthe cart. Then he attemped it on my leg one time. I then explained he does this privately. That ended the public display, but not him talking about it or displaying it in front of others in my home. Again (mortified). I do not see the wrong in allowing our children to sleep with us. However, my boundries are not the best, as I am an adult child of and acolholic and multiple abusers. So, it is difficult for me to set boundries if none were set for me. All I have are my memories of what my mom did. And at that time I beleived it to be normal. However, it was anything but bormal. So, here we sit in the same perdiciment. The only difference I have not had a boyfriend for five years due to my son ( to prevent anyone from hurting him). And now it appears I am the one who has hurt
him. Not intentionally, but without knowing that it was innapporpetate for him to be sleeping in my bed. I still do not see a five year old wanting to sleep with me as a dirty thing. Ifs amazing what DCF will turn something so innocent and beauitful into something dirty and discraceful.  Additionally, anything I say or do is now made out to be abusive. They now believe that he has seen something innapproperate and sexual.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for. I know how he would react to me huging a friend and I mean a "friend" nothing more, He would freak out and somtimes start crying. I am glad I am not married and having to deal. There would be one only ond solution for me, and that is my son would come first. But realistically, we cannot allow our childrnen to dictate our lives. As a therapist told me and it is true. There was some interst. Well, I wish you  the best. Good luck.
Lori_2367

[kayakka]

As mentioned on another thread, there is good reason to believe some posters on here disappear and then return under a thinly disguised alias. Maybe I'll just run screaming to the paranoia community aAAAARRGGHHH!!!

[SeriousSam]

What the heck are you talking about?

[margypops]

.definatly right, I see it too ...

[momagain59]

I agree with everything that you and Brooke have said. I also see where your husband is coming from. He would have to be screwed up from the way he was raised. I believe he needs therapy as well as his children. Keep loving your son in the healthy way that you are, someday his wife will thank you. My daughter in law has told me many times how lucky our son is that he was raised in the way he was. She said that she wished her family was like that. I see nothing sexual in your relationship and believe me I would be the first to tell you if I did.

[Auspiciousme]

Hello everyone!  I jsut wanted to say that my husband saw a doctor today and he says that the doctor said that he would feel a little concerned about my realtionship with my son!  I don't know what he has told the doctor to make him believe something may be wrong.  He says he has told him the truth and everything he has seen with his own eyes.  He says that he told him that he tried to peek through the door on our wedding day to see me naked and that he hugs me sometimes from behind when I am washing dishes or something.  He came home today and told me these things and I was calm and listening to him.  Then he asked me what I think of what the doctor said and I said that I trust my own therapist more since she knows me for over a year now and knows the whole issue and she has seen my son.  I told him that his doctor will judge by what he tells him which I think is miss-understanding on his part.  He also said that he doesn't believe in therapists and he thinks that their hands are tied by all the rules and regulations and they can't really help anyone!!!  He said, well, you wanted me to go to therapy and I did!  Once? (and he is not going again!) That's therapy?!  So basically we just had another huge fight over something that doesn't exist and he went out.   I told him about the responses I got on the forum (even the ones that were not to my favor like SeriousSam's) and of course he invalidated the whole forum by saying that only women come here and they only respond to people that have the same problem as theirs and people like me, are looking for just one more person to say that they did the same thing (letting their kid sleep with him at very young age) to just feel better about the mistake they have made!  He said that the doctor told him to seek couples therapy and spend more alone time together and suggested that we take my son to a child psycologist for an evaluation.  I am so sure that my son is normal that I don't mind doing that but I don't want him to find out why we are doing this.  That would be such a terrible thing for him find out and go through.  Couples therapy is a must though as I feel like our relationship is falling apart.
This really makes me sick.  We have a good life.  I am so good to his kids and they have all improved so much since a year and half ago when I came into their lives.  They love me (in fact, his youngest who is 15 now, hugs me from the back all the time (when I am cooking or washing dishes)! We have a beautiful house in one of the best part of the country and we love each other and besides "my son's issues", we get along beautifully.  But he won't let this go.  He is on my son's case with me all the time...why he eats cookies, why he hugs me, why I don't yell at him over every little thing, why, why , why...
He was so good to my son when we were dating...My son couldn't wait to call him "dad".  A word that meant a lot to him since at the time we lived far away from his own dad.  Now he is afraid of my husband.  I can deal with this now but I know in the future things will get worse.  
I don't know what will happen in the future, but I know one thing that I trust my gut.  I know that I am a good mom and I know that loving your child is "the" key to raising a decent human being.  I don't see anything sexual about us hugging and kissing.  Being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me and the most important comittment I have in life.  I won't take that for granted for anyone or anything or any amount of money or comfort.
I am sorry for talking so much..I just needed to vent!

[Brooke050870]

Hello again.  I would just like to say that I think it is pretty terrible that your husband wants you to be on your son's case all the time.  First it was because he thought your son acted inappropriately with you.  Now it sounds like he wants to find a problem with everything your son does.  Basically, he wants to pick at your son and he wants YOU to pick at your son too.  He wants to make your son's life miserable, and that is despicable.  And if your husband's doctor indeed said that your son needed to see a child psychologist, it is because your husband went to him and told him a bunch of untrue stories about your son peeking at you undressing and touching you in a sexual way.  And by the way, if your husband doesn't believe in therapists, then why does he want you to send your son to one?  You sound like a really nice lady and a great mom, but you have some decisions to make.  It sounds like the only way you can get your husband to quit acting this way is to push your darling little boy away...and why should you have to do that?  There is absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship that you have described between you and your son.  I know you would never do anything to hurt your son, but if you push him away, the way your husband wants you to, you WILL hurt him, and trust me, you will not be able to undo damage like that once it is done.  If you read my first response to your post, you will remember that my mother married my stepdad when I was a very little girl, not much more than a baby, and he was jealous of her relationship with me.  She allowed him to push me around and it hurt me very much.  To this day, I resent both of them for it.    Your husband is jealous, petty and selfish.  Shame on him, really.  

[Auspiciousme]

I agree!  I am so upset over this.  He takes away so much energy out of me.  I haven't let him be on my son's case directly.  He goes through me and we fight.  I protect my son however I can.  Although he has sensed something (he keeps asking me if we fight over him?) but he doesn't really know what's going on.  I love my husband but again, my son's well-being comes before anything else in my life.  I have read the above mentioned related discussions, on line information about normal/abnormal sexuality in children and I have talked with friends, my doctors, my family and I know in my heart that the problem is not between me and my son.  The problem is between me and my husband.  I continue to be nice to my son and I will give him all the love he needs.  If this means I will have to let go of my marriage,...unfortunately, I have to say...so be it.  
I feel like since I came here, I have brought peace to his life and his family but he has taken mine away with my son.  I shouldn't feel like I have to hug and kiss my own 10 year old child behind his back and secretly.  That's just redicules.  I am proud of being a good mother & I am a good wife.  I am sorry that he can't see that.  

[SeriousSam]

Actually if you read your own comments you have potential but you are really being good at either

[momagain59]

I am so glad that you are choosing your son's happiness over your husbands. You can not replace your children.

"My husband had a very serious dad that never hugged him.  He was also sent at age 14 to a different country which he had no one and he had to get used to taking care of himself all alone.  He did well.  But I do think he was scarred.  The past two years that I have lived with him, I haven't once seen him to hang out with his kids and smile and enjoy himself.  Everytime I ask him, he denies it or says he is preparing them for the real world."

Your husband is so damaged from his own childhood and to me it sounds as if he is treating your son the same way that his own Dad treated him. How sick, he didn't like being treated this way but he treats others the same way. Where is the Mom of his children?

[Brooke050870]

You are absolutely right.  There is no reason why you should have to hug and kiss your son secretly, as if you were doing something wrong.  Your husband is making a really big mistake here.  

[babygirl6152]

first of all step parents don't bond with their step children the second they meet. My husband of five years had some of these same feelings.
It is important that they learn to get along with you backing out of the picture a little at a time.
That is what is going to equalize and balance. You are actually going to stay in trouble here until step dad makes the effort with the boy.
Mom- back off a TINY bit and let them do more manly stuff together 1:1,
Step dad will also not be so picky about your (lack of, as he sees it) discipline once they bond.
Trust me- I have done this- If you can imagine a bent wire- it almost has to be bent back beyond it's original point to straighten it back out. Your relationship with your son  got slightly bent because of the divorce- it was not your fault or your son's fault. You did at the time what came naturally but now it's time to "re"-straighten things. Good luck

[Brooke050870]

Hi Babygirl6152, you helped me out when I posted a question about my own son a few weeks ago.  You seem like a great lady and I respect your opinions.  Now, I want to ask, not in an argumentative way but because I want to know what you think...do you think that her husband is at all justified in the way he is behaving?  Because from what the mom says in her post, the husband accuses her son of having sexual feelings for his mom.  If the husband is saying these things simply because he and the son haven't had a lot of one-on-one time together, doesn't that seem even pettier?  Again,  I am asking because I value your input and opinion and not to go against what you said in your post.  

[Auspiciousme]

Hi.  My husband was very nice to my son when we were dating.  He would explain things to him (and he still does some times) and he would cook with him.  He even brought him gifts some of the times he visited me.  But their relationship is minimal.  Basically they say hi and bye and thank you!  My son is kind of afraid of him now because he has seen him yell at his own kids and he doesn't like it.  He won't yell at my son because he knows I won't have it (and god knows how many times I've talk to him not yell at his own kids for every stupid little thing). But he gets mad at him and then later we will fight.  It's not just that he accuses him of having sexual feelings towards me.  That's the worst one.  It's a lot of things he does...if he breaks something by accident, I usually just tell him to be more careful next time and I have him help me clean it up.  But my husband says I have to yell at him and take something away and desiplin him.  Why?  Accidents happen to all of us.  He tells him he has to have his salad before his meal.  Both my son and I like to have our salad with our meal...who cares in what order we have it, as long as we have it?!  I am not saying everything he says is wrong.  I am sure since he has 3 teenagers himself, he has more experience than I do..but he is not right about every single thing.  I would love for them to spend time with him.  And they have very rarely.  He just doesn't want him to hang with us or me.  He says after dinner kids should go to their own rooms and leave us alone.  why?  yes I can understand that me and my husband need alone time couple of times a week but we are a family.  I think we should have some family time together..perhaps watch a movie or somethings...his kids don't.  My son wants to hang out with us and I am sure it's not gonna last very long since he is growing and I cherish it.  I will try backing off a little and see what happens but I know I won't be able to back off if I find him yelling at him or putting him down.  

[babygirl6152]

I understand- Glad you asked :-) Here's my too long answer- LOL

What her husband IMO is seeing is something he wants to fix- and mom is not letting him- so from dad's side he is justified in feeling frustrated but not for abandoning the issue and to go to counseling once and give up- that was troublesome to hear.
I was careful to add that mom cannot put her son first- And we insist on thinking children need us to put them first. In broken homes and step families- everything is royally "screwed up"- Both mom and dad's relationship is the foundation for the children's love- it is a team/ but with divorce it is all totally topsy turvy- I am just saying when she does start to back off a bit and put dad first dad will see (hopefully) in his mind that things are equalizing, I DO NOT and NEVER think my son will find a day when he does not want hugs and kisses. I went to see him at work an hour ago- and he kissed me goodbye.. He is a good man- he will be a good father and he will be a wonderful husband- but the thing I am most worried about for this woman is
Is this wonderful husband of hers also capable of being a good father figure. We are ultimately teaching our sons what? We want them to grow to be like dad- THEY ALL need to look for ways to build each other up- the boy and the dad- the mom and the dad- the dad to the mom- instead of tearing each other down. My hugs and kisses to my husband would far outweigh what I give my son but that is not the way my husband interprets love so much. He is not a toucher. He is visual- He loves a house that is picked up- He likes the pillows on the couch- he likes the beds made- He loves food- so I really pay attention to what he likes to eat.
Her husband is perhaps wrongly confusing love with sexuality since there is tenderness, carressing, hugging, kissing- that part is pretty clear to me- but it is not yet clear to step dad- time will have to fix that- and a bit of patience and counseling was their best bet- I can't really understand why he thinks the forums full of folks that have just gone through the same thing as her are negative- I would think that positive- but there is also this:
When relationships begin, and beyond- things are said and things are "heard" between the lines. Things are done and things are misunderstood. Actions are taken to judge AND to even rectify and some things are still not understood completely. I can say to you that you seem tired today and what you "hear" is that I am saying "you are acting lazy" when I didn't mean that at all-
so in that area I have no idea how much of this was said once and possibly overreacted to- maybe he said it many times- and there is just so much we don't know about her specifics and how much the boy even already cares for  this man and vice versa- so I have just given generalities but there is always much more than we hear on the forums. From all sides- I try to read between the lines too much..... and I end up stepping on toes. The other thing is- men in general are warriors at heart. Usually. They take it as a challenge to toughen up their sons and make them men. It's a fine man who realizes he has to balance that with attention and even affection towards his boys. For the first time in 4 years at church the other day my husband gave my son a huge hug. I almost cried! Dad is not a "toucher" but I could tell he even enjoyed the affection he was showing to my son- He had a huge smile too. It all just takes so much time to fix broken families.......

BUT she picked him and she loves him and all she can do now is hope that dad matures enough to see things straight. You could see a look on M's face when A my son would cuddle and kiss on me and cling to me like there was no tomorrow- It was odd- but it was US! an M is not into all that hugging and kissing but he realized right away he only had his personal background to draw from as we all do- he did not snuggle with his parents- even when they asked him to- and when I finally pressed him on why he didn't especially like holding hands in public he said it looked like he was trying to control me by holding on to me. We all come to adulthood with preconceived notions of love from our childhood.
~ bottom line- M (dad) got us how we were- broken- and he rose to meet the challenge with love and patience.
My husband now who has worked on ALL these feelings except for coming right out and saying there was a sexual tie- just said we had 'overdone'  the relationship between myself and the boy. There was no judgment on his part only stating a fact- that he wanted to help in any way that he could to rectify things- and he did his part and became the PERFECT role model for my son- who by the way turns 17 in 10 days.
My son is soft- my husband is NOT at all soft, but once we all got past their bonding issues we all accepted each other's personalities as we should. Some underlying traits cannot be changed. There is no way to make my husband soft and weak- It is a fact- it will never happen. My son will never be an athlete BUT he is strong morally because of my husband. The things I needed to be passed along were passed along. Integrity, perseverance, a- a woman can teach these to her son but it is chaotic and otherworldly for a woman to teach a boy to become a man....

[momagain59]

"I will try backing off a little and see what happens but I know I won't be able to back off if I find him yelling at him or putting him down." Your husband is a control freak and I guess he knows it because he knew not to be that way until you married him. He does not have to be verbally abusive to discipline or teach children. I can see encouraging him to do things with the children but it seems that he isn't interested. Why should you have to ignore them just because he does? It is possible that a man can be a good husband and a lousy father. Yes, it would be great if Mom's and Dad's could be joined as one but it is not possible if one or the other isn't willing to work on the relationship. Please do not step aside and allow this man to abuse and dictate to you and your son just to save the relationship. It will just get worse.  

[Auspiciousme]

I won't.  No one will ever come between me and my son.  I do agree that my husband is very controling...it's funny that one of the reasons I divorced my son's father was that he was controling.  I lived with my controling father and couldn't take another minute of someone constantly telling me what to do and what not to do..and everything I do is wrong...and look where I am now!  
When he first mentioned that he thinks that my son should never be in my bed even to just to watch a movie...I stopped it.  I would watch movies with him in the family room sitting down.  I thought it was strange but I thought...well, let me make both of them happy.  Then he didn't like that I would go lay down with him in his bed at bed time and have him read to me....so I stopped that...I would have him read to me after school again in our family room....then he didn't like him to intrurpt our time together...so I would try to keep my son busy and now he knows not to bother us if we are in our room...(never a bother to me...but to my husband)...then he started to tell me that I don't displine him enough..and he is gonna be a spoiled man who can do nothing right...then it was his eating habits and why I do his laundry and why I give him allowance and why, why, why...
My son has noticed some stuff..the other day he came to sit with us while we were just sitting to watch some TV after dinner...I had some tea for both us and my husband disappeared (again...he had done that the last few nights)...I said outloud..where did he go, his tea will get cold...and my son said, haven't you noticed mom...he leaves everytime I come here.  I am crying as I am saying this.  I can not imagine the hurt that poor child must have felt.  Later that night as I was taucking him in, he said mom, can I ask you something and I said sure.  He said, this is not gonna happen but just in case, if you ever die, do I have to stay here?  Or can I go to my dad's?  Out of no where...he was anxious going to sleep thinking what would he do if I would die and if he had to live with my husband... I came to my room and told my husband very gently and obviously hurt, what he had said and I begged him to stop his actions.  But few days later..things are the same.  If my son goes upstairs to his room after dinner, he will come sit with me.  If he stays down with me, then he will go to his office and play on his computer.  Last Christmas, his youngest wanted a Wii game system.  He drove us nuts talking about it...and we were planning to get it for him...then he played the game at a friends house and said it was kind of boring and he wanted an Xbox 360 instead...he still talked my son into asking us for a Wii...so he did.  We spent over $680.00 and got an Xbox for his son from Craigslist that came with an Elite game systems and lots of games.  My husband was kind enough to buy a Wii game for my son from us as well.  A few month later, my son had noticed that the Wii was not that great and he liked the Xbox more.  So he asked if he could sell his PS2 and Wii and buy an Xbox instead and pay the difference from his bank account which he has been saving for months.  It was okay with me but my husband said no.  He asked for a Wii and that's what he got and there is no reason to have two systems in the house.  He said his son will have to share his Xbox with mine and he will talk to him about it.  It made sense and I talked to my son and he actually said, okay..it makes sense.  A year has gone by...his son give my son the hardest time letting him play on his toy & most of the time he won't let him play or even watch him play!  My son got 2 Best Buy gift certificates on his birthday from my brother and his friend back in April which he hasn't yet used.  He is still willing to sell his Wii which will probably sell for a bit less than what we purchased it for and use his own certificates to buy a Xbox but my huband won't let him....He is 10.  He has waited a whole year (which you can imagin how long it is for a kid to wait for a toy).  He has watched his step borthers go into their room and play it for hours and most of the time close the door on him...he is willing to sell his other toys and use his own birthday gift card to buy the toy he wants and he still can't.  And I am supposed to sit back and watch this?  & he is the only one out of the 3 boys to have As and Bs on his report card and a clean room all the time.  He is the only one that doesn't talk back and if you sit and explain things to him in a nice manner, he would actually cooperate like a mature person.
I am an affectionate person by nature and I show the same to my husband as well as my son.  When things are good between us, I am all over him.  Kissing him in front of the kids and announcing that I love him and kissing him in public and so on and so forth.
My husband is also a visual person and that is why I also keep an extreemly clean and pretty house...cook all the time, ...and treat his kids like my own...
There was a time not that long ago that we would attend to each other so much that a few times, we had strangers tell us that they can tell that we are so in love...I have done everthing I know to make my husband happy because I wanted to..because he did the same for me...but he is taking the most important thing from me.  Tonight, I sat at dinner table with the whole family and for the first time I felt that me and my son don't belong there.  I felt like a total stranger in this strange house that doesn't belong to me and I felt really scared....I now get the silence treatment for days until I give up and start talking to him like nothing is wrong...until the next time he doesn't like something my boy did.  
Now that I really think about it...my original post question wasn't right.  I should have asked if my husband's behavior was normal?!  Which I guess I know the answer.
I was divorced for almost 6 years before I remarried and I never, not even once regreted my decision with all the hard time we all went through.  I have a few times since I got remarried.  If I had stayed with my ex, at least I would be sure my son would be okay...I think...I don't know.  When I met my current husband I thought he would be a great father figure for my son on a daily basis (because my son sees his own father every other weekend and he is a great father to him and they have a fantastic relationship)...I thought he could teach him the stuff his real dad didn't know...I didn't know what I was getting into.  I wish people would be more honest while dating!
Anyways, again I am sorry for going on and on..but I guess I am trying to make myself feel better...I have been in my room for most of the day so depressed that I didn't feel like doing anything.  

[SeriousSam]

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/278574?camp=36

So you don't agree with Dr. Kennedy's post reagarding this?

by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Jan 11, 2006 12:00AM
It's not a good idea for a parent to be sleeping with a tweleve year old child (or with a child of any age, for that matter). The issue of development of early adolescence complicates the situation with a child of twelve, but even if it weren't for this the child's mother shouls stop this practice. He's clearly able to sleep in his own bed. It may be that his mother is satisfying her own need for companionship by this preactice. It is definitely not a good idea.

by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Apr 26, 2002 12:00AM
In general, it is best for children to sleep in their own beds, and to be able to fall asleep without a parent being in bed until they fall asleep. Does this mean that your daughter will develop some problem as a direct result of sleeping in the same bed as her mother? No, it would be going too far to imply that. But, in thirty years of clinical practice, I have never seen a child harmed by sleeping in his/her own bed. Sometimes, in families where divorce has occurred, it is the parent's emotional needs, as much (or even more) as the child's need that results in the parent allowing the child to sleep in the same bed. Perhaps, to receive the guidance in this regard, your daughter's mother might seek a consult with a mental health professional to talk about the matter. Sometimes the ex-spouse is not in the best position to broach such a thing.

[Brooke050870]

The more you tell us about the way your husband behaves with your son, the worse it sounds.  Your son is 10 years old, which means he has 8 more years that he has to live with your husband.  Eight years is a long time.  After reading your last post, my heart just breaks for your son.  

[margypops]

Have no comments other than to say this was a very interesting thread and good input from all on a touchy and all too frequent problem, I think we have all learned a lot from reading it, Thank you

[Auspiciousme]

Sam, I read that.  & I am not an expert in the matter.  In my heart, I don't believe that children who are scared or worried should suffer through the night and be left alone because some expert says it's not okay to let them sleep with you...My son's first doctor told me it's okay.  He said it was a very hard habit to break but he said only here in US, it's not okay and in many countries (such as my own) people do it all the time.   I found out that the experts say it's not okay when it was too late.  My son had been sleeping with me already for a few years.  And I started  right away in helping my son sleep in his own bed and he has been since he was 8 (he slept in his own bed at 6 but he would wake up in the middle of the night and come to mine).  I am not sleepying with him now.  He sometimes wants to lay down and watch a movie in my room but because of my husband I say no.  At this age, I wouldn't even feel comfortable having him in my bed. (especially after my husbands accusiations!), so that is not the problem.  The problem is not that he even wants to sleep in our room..he doesn't at all.  The problem is that because of one seminar, my husband is accusing him of having sexual feelings for me...which I find crazy.  He gives me a dirty look everytime he sees me kiss or hug him!  At a first sign of anything wrong, I run to the doctor...If I felt anything was remotely wrong, I would take action and try to fix the problem...but I don't see any signs.  My husband is finding all kinds of things wrong with my son all the time.  That is the issue not my son.  He is a normal 10 year old boy who loves his mom and dad...he is not in my room all the time..he plays with his friends and on his own in his room.  He goes to his dads for the whole summer and misses me but doesn't make a fuss.  He goes for sleep overs to his friends house and gets all pouty when I want to pick him up.  He is not even a mama's boy...he just loves me like any child would love their mom.
I won't stop here..I will read more and I will talk to a child psycologist but as my therapist tells me, I am sure their answer would be couples therapy!
I just feel betrayed and lied to.  My husband shouldn't have pretended to love my son when we were dating, if he didn't like kids.  That's wrong and is coming back to haunt both of us now.  But now, I moved away from my whole family, left a good job and I have this to deal with on a daily basis.  
What do "you" suggest I do?  I can't do anything about the past...he slept with me and that's a fact.  Do you have any idea how devestating this would be to him, if he thought that his step dad thinks he is sick! & I send him to therapy because of that?  Then for sure, I will have a sick child on my hands.
I am just fed up...there are mother out there that abuse their kids, ignore the, neglect them, and I am sitting here, fighting with my husband, sitting in my room alone for days getting the silence treatment because I cared for my child?!  That's just nuts...

[Brooke050870]

If, after trying to find a solution that will make everybody happy, you are unable to do that and you end up leaving the situation, I would bet you that your husband will do this  again, if he ends up in another relationship with a woman who has a child.  I have to say that I think it is extremely childish and very un-manly for him to give you the silent treatment.  Just out of curiosity, how does your husband act when your son is away from you all summer?  Again, this is only going to get worse.  Your husband wants you to have the same loveless, dysfunctional relationship with your son that he has with his 3 unfortunate children.  I know you won't let that happen.  Please keep us posted and let us know how things turn out.  

[babygirl6152]

Let's not continue to dwell on what is already done.
Mom did what felt right at the time. So did I. It's over now. All you can do now is go forward.....
Well I am an advocate of tough love- even for spouses! and I even passed your dilemma on to my own husband.... he has heard your whole story.

After reading your specifics sheeesh- you have to get family counseling. Give that husband a year- tell him to try harder- and tell him you're gone if he doesn't get it together.
I would not consider remarriage until the boy is grown.
And this is from a woman who absolutely hates divorce!

just my 2 cents.

Good luck- I will pray for your situation and for what is best for you all/

[momagain59]

"my son said, haven't you noticed mom...he leaves everytime I come here". This man has to be sick to treat your son the way that he is. I would really have to hate someone in order to treat them this way. I feel so sorry for your son. Is there anyway that he can spend more time with his bio-Dad?

"If my son goes upstairs to his room after dinner, he will come sit with me." Didn't he know that you are a package deal and most families spend time together?

I think your son should be able to buy a XBox if he wants to and your husband should make his son share his games. If he doesn't want to share the games then it is time for your son to have his own games. After all he is is willing to sell other items to get a XBox and I take for granted that he takes care of his things. It sounds like his sons are starting to imitate their Dad's sad ways. Why does your husband want to make everything into a power struggle? If he continues to try to control your sons eating, your son will son become overweight.

"Tonight, I sat at dinner table with the whole family and for the first time I felt that me and my son don't belong there.  I felt like a total stranger in this strange house that doesn't belong to me and I felt really scared.."
No one should have to feel this way in their own home.

"I should have asked if my husband's behavior was normal?"  
No, if it was, no one would ever remarry.

"But now, I moved away from my whole family, left a good job and I have this to deal with on a daily basis."
Is your family aware of your situation? Would they help you get away from him and start over? You can always get another job if you can't get your other job back. The first thing abusive men do is get their victim away from their family so they can isolate, and start to pick away at their self-esteem so they can bring them down and slowly take total control of their life. I would get away ASAP. Can you at least get away by going home to visit? Maybe getting time away would give you time to think.  

"He gives me a dirty look everytime he sees me kiss or hug him!"
The more I read, the more I think he really is not only controlling but he is nuts. Thank God, you are sane enough to realize he is the one that is crazy.

Do his children have any contact with their Mom? If they do, what is that relationship like?  

[Auspiciousme]

Hello.  I started this post after a fight with my husband about him saying that my son has sexual feelings for me.  But the more time passes by and I think more about the past year and a half, and actually write them here, the more things I remember & the more I realize that I am really unhappy with my husband's behavior towards my boy.  I really do have a big problem on my hands.  I just had never added them up!  lately, every other week, we are not speaking...and I have noticed my son changing a bit and showing anger.  I thought it was his age, and it may be, but it may also be the things he is sensing.  He has told me a few times that he liked it better when it was just the two of us.  He said I was happier and always smiling before and now I am not as much.  & he is right.
To answer Brook's question..we do great during summers and when we are alone.  I think we have had only one fight that hasn't been about my son the past two years!  As I said before, he is wonderful to me.  From buying me anything I want to bringing me breakfast in bed and helping me with anything I need help with.  He always gives me compliments and tells me he loves me and thanks me for all the changes I've brought in to his life....so our relationship is good as long as I do what he says about my son!  So, since I don't listen to that, we get in to fights!
To answer momagain59, my son has the option of living with his dad who is still single.  He doesn't want to yet.  He loves him and has a great time with him every other weekend but he still wants to stay home with me (he says only I know how to take care of him when he is sick!).  I will NEVER push him to go there.  It would in fact break my heart, if he did at this age but I would let him, if he wanted to (when he is a little bit older though) and if his father and I decide that would be best for him.  But if he left because he was being pushed here, and becuase of my husband, I would never forgive myself...As I said, he goes, I go.
Yes, my husband knew we were a package deal.  He knew what kind of relationship I have with my son and how much he means to me.  But now he sees him as a problem..I guess..I don't know..
& His children's mom, lives only 45 min from our home but they see each other once or twice a year.  She calls every other month and sends them a gift certificate for their birthday and Christmas.  She is an alcoholic and my husband has had full custody of his kids for the past 9 years or so.  His kids are good kids but definately damaged.  I am not gonna get into that.
& again, yes...my mom knows what is going on.  She tells me that my son will leave me eventually and it will be my husband and I for the rest of our lives and he is good to me and I can just manage until my son leaves on his own life advanture.  But after our last fight she said that she will talk to him next time we are visiting.  & yes, I have a supportive family & they would help me out, if I needed it.  I just hope it doesn't get to that.  
Thank you everyone for your support, comments and your time.  This is really helping me.  I appreciate it.

[Brooke050870]

Best wishes to you.  I sincerely hope that everything turns out okay for you and your son.  

[SeriousSam]

You said in your country? Which country are you from?

Too clarify.  All preadolescent boys feel som small amount of sexual energy towards anybody in their life.  It is not something that is controllable and is in part why a perfect mirror of how we are can be found in who are children choose as partners and mates.  Males their mother women their fathers.

You probably don't feel anything sexual but that is why it is the responsibility of parents to draw boundaries and direct the childrens eros in more apropriate family love.

To some extent your husband is ALSO acting poorly.  However that is a seperate issue that a marital counselor my be able to sort out and is, I believe BOTH of your faults his for making you choose and your for in many ways through both relationships treating your son in a manner that I would term as a first or prime husband.  Mentioning his problems does does not exonerate but rather emphasizes the mess you have.

[SeriousSam]

Correction: Anyone female. Teachers, mothers etc.

[babygirl6152]

I just have one more thing to say-
I am so sorry he treats you all this way.

When we were still in the beginning stages of our marriage I remember having a meltdown or two. Once my husband who is much more vocal and opinionated than I, (and this man LIVE FOR DEBATES) said a few unkind words to me. Not cursing or anything like that. The first time I shrugged it off- the next time I remember thinking- WHY do I think I have to take that? Not abusive, but unkind- I told him straight out I was a grown woman who loved her family and wanted this new family to work and he would never speak to me like that again- Maybe a year later - there was a slip. But there were so many times I could see him struggling to be kinder when he surely felt like blowing up.
I knew I had made my point.
Basically in all relationships we make deposits (kind deeds) and withdrawals (unkind ones)- The withdrawals need to be FAR outweighed by the deposits. When an unkindness is done, it is easily overlooked when it is "covered" with all those deposits.
Like you said he tried a few days- so we know dad can change his actions. Let's say he went a year and acted kindly about you and your son even having family hugs, etc. You would know he made the effort. If he made a boo boo in January 2010 you could look the other way and sigh and go on with life as long as he shook off his old tactics quickly.
Just saying- You DO NOT have to take this- Find a time to sit down with him and spill your guts and ask him what makes him think you do have to put up with this sort of behavior from a grown man?
My last 2 cents.
Stuff happens- we learn to walk by falling down and getting up again. We all stumble

[MrsVain]

OMG!! Are you CRAZY!!!!! you should be more concerned with your husbands actions to this then with your sons behavior being normal!!! From what i read in your posts, you have neither done anything wrong with your son nor deserve the treatment your husband is giving you. I hope he is not the wonderful man you mentioned at the beginning of your post because that is FAR from wonderful.
Sounded like you are a good, caring, understanding, supportive and loving mother. I see nothing wrong in either sleeping with the boy until he is 3, 4, 5, 6 or 8. Nor do i see anything wrong with you reading a book laying on the bed with the boy. Or hugs in any position. and of course your son was getting pleasure from it, who doesnt from a hug. But to turn that pleasure into something sexual, now that is coming from a sick, sick mind. Instead of seeing what a good mommy you are by reading to your son, all your husband can see is you laying on the bed and twistes  that into something sexual is also very perverted and messed up.  
Please disregard what SeriousSam said, NOT ALL Preadolescent boys feel som small amount of sexual energy!! and it is okay to love and cubble and hug your son NO MATTER WHAT AGE HE IS. you were doing so good with your son and you are now doing him wrongly.
It sounds to me that you are only making excuses for your husband. He is so wonderful to you but only when your kid is not there. Oh right, THAT sounds super wonderful to me. Of course he is wonderful, he has your undivided attention. WAKE UP!! Why are you choosing this SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE, SELF ASBORBED, DERANGED PERVERT over your beautiful, caring, well adjusted, loving son!?!?!?!?! You have all the indications right in front of your face and you are turning a blind eye to it.  {He gives me a dirty look everytime he sees me kiss or hug him!} {My husband is finding all kinds of things wrong with my son all the time.}{My son couldn't wait to call him "dad".  A word that meant a lot to him since at the time we lived far away from his own dad.  Now he is afraid of my husband.} WTF and you still are wondering....

You sound like a very good person. I am so glad you are protecting your son from all this BS, And i am very very sorry this is happening to you. I honestly dont see your husband changing and like someone said your VERY NORMAL son is more important then any man. He dont want to go to therpy? I hope things work out for you and your son. I have no use for your husband. You and your son both, DESERVE BETTER. It doesnt get better, it will only get worse {believe me i have been there and talking from experience} Your husband will eventually drive a wedge between you and your son, and after he messes that up, he will start attacking you and your  personality and has already attacked your actions, decisions, and mothering. Please dont let it go this far, leave this loser now.

[Auspiciousme]

Hello.  Thank you for your time.  I appreciate it that you cared enough to write to me.  Things are better now (the past few days).  We had a long talk and I hope things get better by time.  I sometimes feel that things will only get worse too...but I am not ready to give up yet.  He really is a good man...and I am not making excuses for him.  I have altered my closeness to my son but I haven't taken anything away.  I would never ever do that.  Not for my husband and not for anyone in this whole world.  As I mentioned before, my son is the most important commitment in my life & I will do all I can to fulfill it the best way I can.  If at any point I feel like my son is being hurt in a serious manner, I would run and I won't even look back!...
My husband opened up to me and he said I don't let him be involved in my son's life and he doesn't like that.  I said that he could be involved if he changed his ways.  I explained that he can disipline our kids without yelling.  I think he feels left out when I don't let him parent my kid.  I have been super protective of my son since my divorce.  I ADORE HIM and I can't help it.  I do have to let go a bit to make a man out of him.  And I don't mean neglecting him.  He is a good boy but he does need to be more manly as he grows older and my husband and his own father have to teach him that.  
I am not saying my husband's actions are okay now that we are not fighting for two days!  I am not.  I made some new appointments to see my own therapist to discuss this further.  But now that I am not as angry as the past two weeks, I realize that I may be too protective...and too controling of his life and my husband sees that and in addition to normal jealousy (which in his case is a lot), he feels like I am not holding my end of the bargin in our marriage.  He feels like I have a seperate life with my son in his house.  That's not a good feeling.  I wouldn't like it if he did that with his kids and didn't let me get involved in any of the decisions regarding them.  I think without knowing, I have been doing that because I am used to taking care of my son alone.  I am going to try to let him make some decisions (& believe me, I will be closely watching so my son's feeling don't get hurt in any way) & see how that goes.  My husband had to become a man and take care of himself alone at age 14.  So, his focus of parenting is to teach the kids to be tough and to prepare them for real world.  That's good but you have to do it with love and gradually...On the other hand, I was raised with my loving family (tough dad though) and they are still there for me and my focus of parenting is raising a kind/decent human being.  I think if we learn to cooperate, we could do well.  My son even told me once that I am too soft and I should learn from my husband and he should learn from me how to be more loving!
That wonderful man is my husband.  I met him two years ago and a month after we started our long distance dating, I got very sick.  (he actually got me health insurance right before I got sick because I couldn't afford to get my own).  After two weeks of trips to emergency room and painful experiences, I was diagnosed with MS.  You have no idea what this man did for me.  He flew/drove back and forth to be with me, to take me to my doctors and he paid for everything.  He provided me everything anyone said that might help.  In addition to that, when he was in town, he took my son to school and after school, to park to play with him & reassured him that I will be fine soon.  He put money in my bank account without me even asking, so I could my bills (I couldn't work).  All of sudden I was not able to walk much and I dressed in sweats and was in bed all the time crying.  He never once even made me feel that there is anything wrong!  He kept saying that we will get through this.  Many many nights, I would have so much pain that I kept tossing and turning and crying and he would hold me and kiss me until I fell sleep (and sometimes that was 3, 4 oclock in the morning when had conference calls starting at 6am)...He put up with all of this for 4 months..and once I was better, he asked me to marry him.  If this is not wonderful, then I don't know what it is?  I am better now and haven't had terrible symptoms since two years ago but we don't know what will future bring & he took a chance.  I think most men, would have walked away if the lady they were dating, all of sudden was so sick after just a few weeks of dating...but he stood by me...and he was very nice to my kid.  Now that we live together, he has given me the option of not working (so I don't get tired, so my symptoms don't show up again).  Because of this, I get to pick up my son from school myself everyday and I have more time to enjoy him (until he gets home from work, then he wants me all to himself!...which again, is not right but I think he could learn to change).  
I think he just loves me too much and wants all of me!  & he becomes a stuborn little boy when he doesn't get his way and he has to share me with another boy!  Then he yells and finds things wrong.  Again, please understand that I don't say that his actions are okay.  they are not and I still get mad when I think about it and I still (and forever) will protect my son from the harm his actions could bring to him...but I don't think my husband is a mean person.  If he does something, is because somewhere, somehow, he has been damaged himself...so he sees things between my son and I, in a wierd manner.  He told me the other night that he is willing to do anything to keep me by his side and I hope I can talk him into therapy.  I think that would help all of us.
In the mean time, this post and all the comments, made me believe in my parenting again...and I am again 100% sure that my son is normal and us loving each other is neither sexual nor wrong in any way.  & I am thankful to all of you guys for giving me your honest opinions.  I will continue to protect and love my son and I will continue to work on my marriage and pushing my husband to help himself.  If it worked, great...and if things get worse to the point that I feel like fighting is no longer an option...trust me, I will leave.
Thanks again & happy holidays.

[momagain59]

Have you considered putting your son in therapy so he can have an unbiased person to talk to. I think it would help him get through all of this. Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

[Auspiciousme]

Yes..I have.  My therapist says it's not necessary yet because my son doesn't seem unhappy (we all get unhappy about things around here occasionally which I think is normal but it usaually passes quickly).  But I am thinking about talking to the school counselor.  

[Brooke050870]

It will be interesting to see if things will continue to be better, or if, once the heat is off, your husband goes back to behaving like a jealous, needy little boy.  In one of the earlier posts, someone made the comment that a man can be a great husband but not a great father.  I agree with that.  From what it sounds like, the only reason that your WONDERFUL little boy would need to speak to a therapist or counselor would be so that he can have help dealing with the fact that he is being bullied by his very manipulative, jealous and controlling stepfather.  

[Brooke050870]

P.S.  And in re-reading your last post, I see that your husband has once again succeeded in making you second-guess yourself.  Are you able to see that?

[Beachwalker33]

Keep hugging,kissing,showing love to your son.Its not wrong,to not be loving to any child,male or female is though.Your husband is jeolous,which is not right.Your husband resents the love between you and your child.He has the problem, not your son.You better do something about this,before your husbands resentment turns to anger towards your son.He's going to end up hurting your son,trust me on this..I remember when my step- brother was in high school,he was crying upset about a girl,he went to my mom cried said hold me mommy and confided in her,no one else.You want to keep your relationship with your son close,don't you want him to trust you and feel like at any age he can come to you with a problem.Your husband will always feel this way,find a new one,or your son will suffer the consequences...

[Auspiciousme]

We shall wait a bit and see.  He has shown a little tiny bit of change this past week.  They were actually posting some of my son's stuff on ebay today together...and I kissed and hugged both of them and we were all happy!  I know...this is nuts to think a grown man could change this fast...I know he hasn't.  But maybe he is really trying to understand my relationship with my son.  I am also trying to assure him that I love him too and I have enough love to give both of them and I won't be running out! I will keep you all posted!  Wish me luck...

[Brooke050870]

You should not have to assure a grown man that there is enough love to go around for both him and your son.  That is the type of reassurance you would give to a child who is insecure or jealous.  I wish you the best and I am glad that things seem better for the moment but again, you should not have to coddle your husband.  Your son is being a bigger man in all of this than your husband is!  You are a wonderful mom and wife and I certainly do wish you luck.  Good luck and God bless.

[Auspiciousme]

Thank you Brooke,
I appreciate it.  I know what you mean.  I shouldn't have to treat my husband like a child but I guess I will have to for a while until he gets it!  I will continue trying ...
Thank you all ...

[Beachwalker33]

It doesn't matter what a good front your husband puts up,for underneath all his phoniness he still feels the same way.When your not looking how is he treating your son,he probably gives him dirty looks as soon as you turn away.This man displays some socialpathic behavior,jealous of your son,treating you like a possession.I just pray your sweet boy can get out of this unscarred, I doubt it.I bet your a loving person and maybe a little naive.Your husband is evil underneath,he's worse then you could imagine.Don't be blinded by the charm,he can display.The reason I know his type,my step=father was like him.I suffered irrepairrable damage from him,so did my mom,the divorce stress killed her.She got cancer and now she's gone at the age of 50.Your husband has probably left a pathway of hurt,inflicted by him upon woman and children.Let me ask you this,does your husband hurt animals?

[Beachwalker33]

I'm sorry I know his type and its very upsetting remembering the child I once was and how I felt.This is just the start.Does your husband drink or use drugs?He's mean to your little boy when your not around,I can guarentee it.Nobody likes your husband on this forum.We see it,why can't you?And I know there's more to this and your not saying.Good Luck,you and your little boy are going to need it!!!!!God Bless,Jen

[Auspiciousme]

OMG!  No..not at all.  My husband doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink (a beer occassionally with me) and he doesn't hurt animals.  Not at all.  I am sorry you have had a bad childhood experience and still hate remembering it.  My husband is not an abusive man.  He really is not and I may be a little naive but I am not stupid.  If I felt anything was that wrong, I would stop it any way I could.  He is posesive, yes...controling, yes but he is not a monster.  He is very well educated man with a ton of knowledge of the real world.  He is a hard worker and he has provided almost everything, we could dream of for my son and I & his own kids.  Yes, he is jealous of my son.  The mother of his children hasn't been involved with his kids for years and I think he just finds it strange that I actually enjoy my son and dedicate a lot of time to him and his activities.  To be honest, he doesn't show a lot of affection towards his kids (but he is does towards me)..and I don't like that.  I love kissing and hugging kids and I wish he did too.  But he was raised by a tough but very nice father and that's what he knows.  He wants our kids to be really tough.  What he doesn't realize is that growing in a loving invironment is one of the keys to being tough.  Again, I am not defending all of his actions.  I don't like it that he puts me in a situation that I feel uncomfortable showing a lot of affection to my 10years old son and I certainly hate it when he says he may have sexual feelsing towards me.  But he does a lot of good things too for all of us.  & His goodness outweighs his bad by far.  I am sorry that I pictured him so bad that everyone hates him! He is actually very loved among his friends, co-workers and both of our families.  And you know what, little kids LOVE him & to me that's really good sign.  Kids don't like mean people usually (I am not talking about babies).
My son would have told me if he was mean to him behind my back.  He is not.  He is not at all.  He is just a serious man.  That's all.  
I really think, this is pretty clear now and he is just very jealous and possesive towards me & really serious with kids.  These are flaws, yes...but I am sure I have many of my own.  We will work through this.  My promise to myself is to raise a good man and I will...no matter what.
Thanks again for all the comments....good and bad!

[babygirl6152]

We live in a world that is fast paced/ we want immediate gratification and instant results right down to fast food and microwave popcorn ready in 3 minutes.

No one likes to wait. It's hard these days to work hard at something, especially in relationships.

Hang in there- Giving up surely would be too easy! Divorce today is as simple as changing your socks. Sometimes we have to try really hard and I applaud you for NOT giving up.
I am sure that this whole experience has made you grow and all the insights from folks on these forums has helped you see things from all sides.


In time, with loving patience I am sure things will improve.

[Brooke050870]

It is great that your husband is well educated and worldly and it is great that he took care of you when you were sick and that he has provided you with many material comforts.  The fact still remains that he is jealous of your son.  You say he is not abusive.  Maybe he isn't physically abusive, but his actions toward your son are damaging.  Being possessive and controlling is not good and it hurts everybody.    And as far as little kids liking your husband...little kids really liked my step dad too, and he was NOT a good father, he displayed many of the same behaviors that your husband displays, and I can count on one hand the times he was nice to me when I was growing up.  Maybe little kids like your husband because he is nice to them.  And maybe he is nice to them because he doesn't see them as competition, the way he sees your son.  You say that friends and family think he's a great guy too.  Well, he probably doesn't behave in front of those people the way he behaves when it is just you, him and your son.  In an earlier post, I believe someone said that in any kind of relationship, it takes an effort from all parties in the relationship to make it work.  This will not work if you are the only one consistently making the effort here.  You may limp along, but it won't really work in a way that is beneficial to everyone involved.  You mentioned in a recent post that your husband seemed to be trying...is he still trying, or did he try just once and then go back to his old ways?  You have a long road ahead of you.  And one more thing...a man can shower his wife or girlfriend with gifts and attention on one hand and still be manipulative, controlling, extremely jealous and possessive on the other hand.  Those are not good traits, and they are traits that are hard to unlearn.  Just because he took care of you when you were sick and provides well for you does not give him the right to control you and it does not give him the right to dictate the way you behave with your son.  If he doesn't make a consistent effort to change, and I mean CONSISTENT, he will drive a wedge between you and your son, your relationship with your son will be damaged, and your son will hate him and resent you.  Take it from someone who has been there.  Take care of yourself and your son.  God bless you both.  

[Auspiciousme]

I know Brooke.  It's a long road ahead of me and somedays I feel like I can fix everything ans somedays I just want to run away.  Everyone's posts here has helped me a lot.  I understand that my husbands relationship with my son and his opinions of my relationship with him, is wrong.  I will keep even a closer eye on this situation and I will shield my son from emotional harm as much as I can.  If and when I feel things are getting worse, I will make a different decision.
He seems to be trying still.  Last night I actually watched a movie with my son alone in my room!  (ooooooooooh!)  He came upstairs and saw us sitting and watching the movie.  He left but didn't say anything!  (I know it's pretty pethatic that I am happy with that!) but it's a start...
I admit that he is much better husband than he is a father but again..he is a good man and he seems to be trying...so we shall wait and see.  As babygirl said, it's really easy to just give up & I know I will always have that option.  But I still prefer to try and work things out.

[Brooke050870]

Good luck to you my friend, Merry Christmas to you and a blessed and healthy New Year!

[MrsVain]

well, it does sound like you fully understand what is going on in your house. my only fear when reading all of this is that you dont, yes he was good to you during your sickness, and possible looked like a god's gift, but if he was "mr wonderful" he wont be jealous of your relationship with your son, or act like a "spoiled little boy who doesnt want to share you with another boy". He is an adult and i complete agree with the others about him having alternative and even possibly evil motives. I also think that you feel like you "owe" him since he was so good to you during your sickness and now you make excuses because "at one time" he was great at one time. and there is a part of you that wants to "fix" him because you know he did not have a good childhood, etc and you think you can teach him what love is and all that ****. i think your inner consciense is trying to warn you and you are seeing all the signs, but you either do not want to see them because you dont want to be alone and a single parent again, or you are scared to lose what comfort he does give you when it is just to 2 of you.
all i can say is i hope time proves me wrong. Please just keep an eye out that he doesnt drive a wedge between you and his son. or become so controlling, wanting you all to himself that he doesnt allow a life outside of the house.
good luck and god bless.

[Luis40]

sooner or later you divorce this man your son peeking inaproirate but sleeping hugging is nothing wrong he's ignorant if his sons hugged each other or him he think it's gay I am gay am defended teen from 5 thugs in inner city and olso lifted butterfly to safety in front of this kid I showing him a real man shows kindness your husband think affection is wrong he is not real man I know 13 year old he hugs his mother so hard with love
And he is all boy inner city PR kid not afraid to fight your husband is ****** up
And it won't make him gay hermphidites have both sesxes what they should be inside
Ives church people wrong same group as your husband 98 percent gays born that way so it won't make him gay

[Auspiciousme]

Hello.  I am back...almost two years later and still the same issues only worse as many of you told me.  My son is now 12 and entering is teen age years soon.  My husband is still on my case about him almost on a daily basis!  In fact we are not talking now for the past 3 days because of something stupid (couple of muddy foot prints in the backyard that he says my son is responsible for!!!).  The last 3.5 years, we have faught over almost everything you can imagine about my son.  From haircuts to me helping him with home work to buying shoes, to spending time with grandma!  I have tried and tried to show my husband lots of love and attention from doing what he likes, to giving him surprises, stuffing little love notes in his clothes, texts,...and whatever else I know how.  We even went to couple's therapy (he cancelled after 10 sessions..and said we don't need it anymore)...and I continue my own therapy to try and work this out...but nothing has made a difference.  He still has something to say about every thing and anything my son does or anything and everything I do for/with him.
I am not as sweet as I used to be...and not involved much with his kids who are hardly ever home.  I am basically living with them like a room-mate...I now act like a crazy person every time he mentions something negative about my son and throw a fit because it has become an extreemly soar subject.  I feel like I have this horrible wound and the minute it begins to heal, my husband attacks it again...and my only reaction is no madness!  I work full time now and I spend 95% of my time in my room after dinner with my computer.  I gave up on family time and family things long time ago.  I still do things with my son and my husband but seperately...and i get treated like dirt every time I do something with my son such as going for ice cream, movies or dinner.  
I have tried looking for an appartment 4 times in the last year and decided to stay and try harder because we love each other...but I can't live like this.  I feel guilty because I think a lot of people have it worse than me and are still in their marriage but at the same time, I feel like what is the point of a marriage if you so unhappy in it?  Yes, my husband does still bring me breakfast in bed and buys me stuff...but he takes away my very basic right to be good parent...and I have to fight with him, takes days of silent treatment and ignorance for every thing that has to do with my son.  I still get dirty looks every time we are even alone in a room for a second or if I hug him or laugh with him....it's just crazy...I am so tired, stressed and depressed.  My son told me yesterday that he knows that my husband (his step dad) doesn't like him.  It made me so so sad.  I knew he knew stuff allthough I tried so hard to sheild him from the crap that goes on between my husband and I over him but he is not stupid.  He feels the dirty looks and he hears our fights ...he is still a great kid..with good grades and everyone who spends time with him compliments me on how well behaved he is...but I am dead scared of the impact of what's going on in our life on him in years to come.  I don't want him to turn to drugs because he feels like he is not loved in his home...and believe me his step brothers and his step dad know how to make someone feel unloved very well!  So, now...what?  I think I am ready to move out...have very little money ..and I think I can manage my own place but money will be very tight.  Isn't that better though?  Peace of mind is worth so much more, no?  I keep imagining my own little appartment with lots of love and just my son and I...but I feel guilty for leaving my husband after all he has done for me (besides this issue I mean)...and all the money he has spend on stuff for me.  I want to be greatfull but I can not compromise my son's well being for it.  Please give me some comments...?  What should I do?

[Auspiciousme]

I know this no longer qualifies for child behavior forum (I am not sure if it ever did...I think there should be a husband behavior forum!) but I posted this so people who have read this and remember it can help me out?  and New people may or may not read the whole thing..? I know it's way too long...I may post this again somewhere else....thanks for your time everyone.

[Brooke050870]

Oh my gosh...I remember you very well.  I think you know what needs to be done.  Take it from someone who was the kid in a similar situation...it's not going to get better.  Your son has already been damaged by your husband's horrible behavior, and the damage is only going to intensify.  You have tried...you went through counseling, you showered your husband with all kinds of love and attention...nothing has worked.  It sounds like the only thing that would make him happy is if your son were to just disappear.  Your husband sounds like an unbalanced individual, and I hope you get your son away from him as soon as possible.