Is scratching, hitting and hair pulling normal in a 5 year old girl?

[maflmf]

We live next door to a family that has 3 young daughters-one is 6 months, one is 2 years old, the other is 5.  My 6 year old daughter has played with the 5 year old for a couple years.  During that time, the neighbor girl would push our daughter down, hit her, scratch in the face, pull her hair etc.  (However, she only acts like this when the girls are at her house, never at ours.)  Lately it seems as if its becoming more frequent and more aggressive.  She also always initiates "ganging up" on a third child when 3 are playing together, whether it be my daughter or another neighbor child.  We've spoken to the parents several times, in a very non-confrontational manner.  They apologize and make the little girl tell our daughter she's sorry.  Beyond that, I don't know what they are doing for discipline.  (I do know they are very easy going parents...)  My concern is this:  last week our daughter came home with a deep scratch down the length of her nose (I'm thinking it will scar), another scratch under her eye and a faint bruise on her other cheek bone.  She had told the neighbor girl that she had written the letter "e" incorrectly and the neighbor girl scratched he in the face.  Our daughter tried to scratch her back (which, unfortunately, we told our daughter to defend herself), the neighbor girl said "that didn't hurt" and punched our daughter in the face.  This time I lost my temper and had a loud discussion with the neighbor's mom.  She asked me what I wanted her to do ("Control your child"), and she said that all 5 year-olds do this, and that if I believe that her child is the only one who does this, then I should keep my kids out of her yard, off her swing set etc.  (Which is the point we are at anyway...we should have kept our child away long before this...alot of this is our fault because we let our daughter keep going back for the abuse.)  What I want to know is, is this normal behavior in the neighbor child?  Am I being unreasonable when I get angry with this parent for not doing something about this behavior or is it to be expected?  As an aside, the neighbor's 2-year old daughter is on the same path, doing the same things to my 2 year old son.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You likely already know the answer to your questions. The aggressive behavior absolutely is not to be regarded as normal. Now, your response to the neighbor is up to you. There's no need to be angry - you simply need to do what is sensible to protect your children. Unfortunately, you cannot dicate how another parent will respond. All you can do is act in the best interest of your own children.

[maflmf]

Yes, you are right about my response.  My husband and I realize we shouldn't have let it get to the point it has.  Unfortunately, it is somewhat inconvenient/difficult to keep them apart when we live next door and they all play outside in the summer.  But now we'll do what's right.  Thank you for your input.

[maflmf]

Sorry, just another thought...is it normal for our daughter to want to continue to play with this girl regardless of being mistreated?  Shouldn't she want to stay away from her on her own without our intervention?

[DinaGrimes]

I went through a simular situation with my daughter.  Our situation was not physical but verbal/additude, etc.  My daughter loved the little girl across the street.  She had 2 older sisters.  My daughter is an only child.  The sisters are extremely mean and petty to my daughter and the one that was my daughters age would go along with them (the parents are not much better, the apple does not fall far from the tree).  It got to the point where my daughter was constantly coming home crying.  We tried talking to her about how friends should treat each other, etc.  We never seemed to get through.  She would always make excuses for the friends behavior.  When my daughter turned 7, there was a big blowup which involved the father of the neighbor being verbally mean to our daughter which prompted us to put an end to our daughter going over to the neighbors.  We have also made sure that the two girls are not in the same class in school.  I was a little concerned because my daughter is very shy and does not make friends easily.  But it turned out to be the best thing we could have done.  It has been a year now and our daughter has made other friends who treat her as well as she treats them.  My daughter still does not completely understand why she cannot play with the kids across the street and most of the time she blames me, but I think that as she gets older, she will start to understand better.  

Sorry for rambling on.  Hope this helps!

[maflmf]

Thanks for the input, it is helpful.  Its been a tough situation for us because the little girl was/is our daughter's best friend and they see each other outside all the time. The thing that bothered me was that the mother acted like I was expecting too much of her and the child and that what was happening was commonplace among 5 year old girls.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It's not unusual for your daughter to continue to want to play with her friend. Though at times she is not being treated well, undoubtedly your daughter also enjoys many good times with her friend and she is loyal to her. As a child, she doesn't have the judgement or perspective that you have. Perhaps the children can have some play time at your house, where you'll be able to supervise the play and where the girl is not as likely to behave poorly.

[maflmf]

Thank you for all your help!  :)

[jgirl34]

If you read my post that I responeded to you will see that the aggressive behavior is NOT normal. And coming from experience, and I'm the one with the child who has the aggression problems, the parents really need to watch their children a little better. I don't know if they're in denial their child has a problem or what, but even if, they shouldn't "ok" their child hurting another child like this. My son has hurt kids like this and he gets in ALOT of trouble, not like beating him or anything. But he does get grounded, sent to his room, he does get spanked. That's unacceptable. I'm sorry you're going through this, and it is hard on kids, because the kids he has hurt still want to come around and play and if they do I have to make sure I am RIGHT there, he can't go to their house or leave my sight. And it's hard, I really wish you the best, and would hope those parents would try to punish their child, that's all it may take for them. My son has an aggression problem so the punishing only has a slight effect on him, and it's very hard to keep him in doors, but like I said they should atleast be right there!! To correct their problems or if they start to argue help them use their words instead of their hands!! Good luck, and God bless!

[maflmf]

Thank you for your comments...we've decided to keep our daughter away from the little girl.  Unfortunately, its the only way we have any control over the situation.

[jgirl34]

Have to do what will keep her safe, and she may not understand right now, but that little girl will eventually not have any friends with the way she treats them. That's sad being maybe the parents could step in a bit and instruct her how to act with other kids. Best of luck to you!!