Is spanking ever justified?

My son is from a stable, 2 parent home.  We moniter television very very closely.  I am an early childhood specialist with a Master's degree.  I have consulted 3 of my colleges and I have read numerous books on the subject of positive parenting.  MY son continues to choose to hit ME when he is even moderately frustrated.  I understand the implications of spanking a child.  However, is is still harmful to spank when the child has resorted to hitting the parent?  I set up a positive environment with interesting activities, I model problem solving techniques, I redirect him, I reason with him, I prevent situations when I can.  He does not have delays in any area...he has above average language and cognitive skills.  He goes to Montessori 2 mornings a week and there are no problems there.  He doesn't hit other children or any other people except me---his mother.

Is spanking ever justified? I am wrestling with this.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Lisa,

Parents have to answer this question for themselves, based on their values and standards. I won't even pretend to offer a Yes or No reply to your question.

However, it goes without saying that children need firm limits, particularly in relation to such behaviors as physical aggression or any matter in which safety is an issue. Part of a successful behavior management plan is a clear delineation of what will occur when rules are followed and what will occur when they are not. Relative to the latter, it's important to determine a punishment for acts of physical aggression.

I don't insist that spanking is abusive, nor do I assert that it's an irresponsible thing to do. What I do say is that it is not necessary as part of a program of discipline, and that it certainly can bring with it unintended consequences (particularly when the behavior you want to address is the wrongfulness of hitting).

I applaud you for your emphasis on positive approaches, on rewarding and reinforcing the behaviors you want to see. It's important, too, to ask yourself if you are setting limits firmly enough, and if you are following through on violations of those limits. Relative to hitting, I would (as I'm sure you have) tell your son that hitting is absolutely forbidden, and I would place him immediately in time out on the occasion of any episode of physical aggression or even a threat of physical aggression. Reinforcement of positive behavior, standing by itself, is not sufficient as a behavior management plan. Dr. KDK

[Jessie Huffman]

This page sux.  I am sooo sick of hearing this **** from you guys.  U r the worst parental advisors I have ever heard of.....GET A FREAKIN' CLUE, OK??????????!!!!!!!  GEEZ!  thanx

[lisa]

Jessie Huffman:  Actually, I understood exactly what the doctor stated in his answer and I am guessing by the grammar and words that you used to express yourself, that you did not understand the doctor's point.

I found the answer to be helpful to my family and well thought out and also well written.  Your reply, however, was not any of those things.

[vickie]

I am a mother of 2 girls  ages 3 and 9 and a step son at the age of 4.  I also have to agree with the doctor on this one.  I am not saying my children have never been correted with spanking  But i also have realized that, that is not a way to fix the problem. my youngest has a horrible tempor  and if i yell or lose my temper she does the same  That is not what I want  SO i try very very hard to control the situation by telling her she is not allowed to talk or yell or hit me  I know in my case it is probible easier because she is only 3.  I demand that if she brakes the rules she must go to her room.  And when she has calmed down and wants to treat her family with respect ( a must in our home) then she is allowed to come out after apoligizing to everyone.  I also have learned that I must have respect and give respect.   Jessie  i wish you lots of luck :)hold your ground !!!
and keep up the good work DR. KDK
sincerely,
Vickie

[JENISE RUSH]

I AM SORRY FOR THE ONE PERSONS REPLY BACK I FEEL IT WAS VERY INSENSITIVE TO PEOPLES SITUATIONS AND AS ADULTS WE CAN FIND MORE WAYS TO SHARE OUR FEELINGS MATURLY!I BELIEVE FIRMLY THAT WE DONT NEED TO USE (VIOLENCE) MEANING PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT TO CORRECT CHILDRENS NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS .SOME REASONS I THINK THIS WAY IS BECAUSE WE ARE ALL BORN HUMAN BEINGS AND ALL AGES HAVE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS CHILDREN DONT HAVE THE YEARS EXZPERIENCES ADULTS HAVE TO EPRESS AND UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE FEELING . I BELEIVE IT IS OUR JOBS AS ADULTS TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN HOW TO IDENTIFY THE REAL FEELING AND EXPRESS THOSE FEELINGS IN AN APRPRIATE WAY WITH RESPECT TO THEMSELVES AND OTHERS . I CANT SEE HITTING OUR CHILDREN AS A WAY OF WORKING ON THEIR NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR.INSTEAD I SEE IT AS A VIOLATION OF ANOTHER PERSONS FEELINGS AND BODIES.I THINK IT SENDS UNNESSARY MESSAGES TO HIT A CHILD AND TEACHES THEM TO DEAL WITH CONFLICT THROUGH PHYSICAL NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS .I DO BELIEVE HOWEVER IN FAIR DISCIPLINE OF CHILDREN AND THE CHOICES OF DISCIPLINE MOST BE APPRIATE TO THEIR AGES AND A BIG ONE IS THE PUNISHMENT -MUST- FIT THE CRIME.IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE ADVICE TO SITUATIONS WITH THIER CHILREN PLEASE FEEL FREE TO WRITE ME MRS.RUSH 9599 BRAYTON DRIVE #461 ANCHORAGE,ALASKA 99507

[Sean]

I think the very question is RIDICULOUS!

I think quite a few people here have had the "politically correct" message of "never spank children or it teaches violence" shoved down their throats they have lost common sense.

I will agree with the last poster...the punishment MUST fit the crime.  Consequences should be immediate and FIRM, and must be carried out.

For some children, a slap on the bottom with an open hand will do far more good than harm. Others, require something like a "stand in the corner" approach (simply because physical punishments fail to work)

I was occasionally given a spanking or a slap when I deserved it, (or a grounding, or the old sent-to-the-room bit) and I turned out fine.  Others I knew in my youth had parents who subscribed to the theory that "the child inherently knows right from wrong" and the only punishment dealt was a speech (which was promptly ignored 5 minutes later).  

I have become a successful adult, with my life well grounded.

The others have been on drugs, in prison, in gangs, and all the rest of troubles that plague society today.

Now don't confuse that I am advocating abuse...that is the last thing I would do. There is a world of differece between a whack on the butt for punishment and a beating.


I just think a little common sense is in order. If children are not shown the limits that they have in a consistent manner, they are in for nothing but trouble.  A spanking or slap is just a tool....sometimes appropriate, sometimes not.  And it should always be used appropriately.

[experienced mom]

way to go Sean!!! You,ve got the idea. I hope you have plenty of kids. Why any mother would allow a child to hit them(even once) is beyond me. I little pop would teach the child that this is not going to continue.  If this mother continues to permit her young child to hit her- what will he do when he is a teen and still feels comfortable striking mother?  Every child needs consistent, quick , honest feedback(positive and yes, sometimes negative) for many of life's situations.  That's how they learn what is appropriate . I think many consciencous parents just TRY TO HARD. common sense is very important and sometimes good folks just leave it behind.