Is that OK for a 5-year old boy to cry?

[banyan_kitty]

My son suddenly started crying when I picked him up from his daycare today.  He told me that he didn't want to leave the classroom.  Both of his teacher and I told him that everyone was about to leave and he could come back tomorrow.  But he didn’t want to listen and kept crying.  That wasn't like him at all, so I felt it was really weird.  So I comforted and asked him why he didn't want to leave.  He finally told me that his teacher said they would go out to play, but they didn't.   I told him probably they didn't get enough time.  I also told him that he should use his words to express his feeling instead of crying.  And he stopped and told me he understood.  
My husband heard what happened through the phone (I was wearing an earphone and the cell phone is on).  He insisted in the phone that I should have told our son that crying would let the teacher and other kids look him down and crying was so wrong for a boy.  I didn’t think it was a big deal as he said, and didn’t agree with him that the teacher would see my son that way.  So I didn’t tell my son what my husband wanted me to say, but told him again that he should have used his words instead of crying.  Then my husband gave me a big lesson why a boy shouldn’t cry in front of people, crying means weakness, and a boy shouldn’t show weakness to other people, etc.  I didn’t agree with him so I didn’t say anything that he wanted me to say eventually.  He was so mad at me and hung up the phone.  

This made me so sad the whole evening.  Am I wrong?  Is that really a big deal that a 5-year old crying in front of other people just very occasionally (I have never seen this kind of behavior before)?   Does crying mean weakness for a 5-year old? We had several times of disagreement about this before.  How should I tell my husband what he tried to do is not necessary?  I appreciate your suggestion about this issue.

[specialmom]

And I should clarify, in kindergarten, there might be real reasons to cry such as hurting oneself or what have you--------  and crying IS a legitimate way of showing emotion.  But there are those children that cry quite often and that is a little different.  

Oh, and even if my child DID cry quite often--------  I would not shame them for it.  You can 'work' on it with them but shame is not a great teacher.  It just eats at a little one's self esteem.  So, I agree with you completely that shaming him into not crying is not a good idea.

Teachers of kindergarteners are well versed that kids come in at all different levels of emotional development and work well helping kids learn coping skills too.   Worry not about kindergarten!

I think you did a fine job handling this by the way------------  and when my kids are over tired, all bets are off for what kind of behavior you will get.  :>)  (me too sometimes.)  good luck

[banyan_kitty]

Thanks for recommendation of the book!

[banyan_kitty]

I'm glad to hear an opinion from a man's and educator's perspective.  Thank you for letting me know that I told him the right thing.  As young parents,  we are still learning how to raise our son, and sometimes with a disagreement (men and women see the world differently).   I totally agree with you that kids may not learn how to handle their emotions naturally.  I will definitely find the books you mentioned.  I seldom think our son has trouble dealing with his emotions because for most of the time he behaves reasonably. Now I think it is still necessary for him to read some books like that to learn how to handle emotions and situations, e.g., say "don't" immediately.  Thanks!

[banyan_kitty]

My first reaction to his crying at that moment was that he was over tired.  I seldom saw him like that...  I agree and understand that a 5-year old should have developed coping mechanisms for their emotions beyond crying.  I don't like him to cry easily in Kindergarten  either (he will be there in the fall), and I understand what my husband meant that other boys might laugh at him about the behavior as you mentioned.  I will tell my son that "Students don't cry at school" and I think he can understand that.  So I guess the disagreement between my husband and I is that "if we should let him feel shame about crying, especially being a boy".  I like your comments "We need to help our children in their ability to express themselves rather than just flat line their show of emotion. ", and that is what I try to let my husband understand.  We'll talk more about that.  Thanks for your input, appreciate!    

[Sandman2]

      Well, from the male side,  I think your husband over reacted.  Ya, if by age 10 he is still crying that's one thing.  This is a whole different matter.  
     I liked your comment, "I also told him that he should use his words to express his feeling instead of crying."  You didn't scold him, you tried to show him other ways to deal with his feelings and that is a very important point.  Kids don't know this kind of stuff unless somebody teaches them.  There are several sets of books aimed at this age (for a reason).  A good example is "when I feel sad" which is a part of the "Way I feel series".  If you go to this link, you can read about the book and other great ones that help teach kids how to deal with things as opposed to just saying "don't".  The link is http://www.amazon.com/When-Feel-Sad-Way-Books/dp/0807588997/ref=pd_sim_b_7

[specialmom]

Hi.  I think that crying is a natural way of showing emotion.  We try to help our kids evolve to other methods of expressing themselves.

You describe a situation that sounds like your son was either over tired, stressed by his day at school, or unable to regulate his emotion.  I say that because disappointment when the teacher does not end up taking the kids outside is not a typical reason for a child to cry.  No other kids were driven to tears over this.  It wasn't a hurt, hurt feelings, etc. but instead, a reaction to not doing what the teacher said she would do.  This makes me wonder about your child's ability to be flexible and go with the flow.  At 5, unless the above two mentioned things are at play---------  over tired or stressed--------  crying wouldn't be a normal reaction to this situation.  Does he cry over things like this regularly or was this an odd situation?  

This has nothing to do with his being a boy-------- but by 5, kids should be developing coping mechanisms for their emotions beyond crying.  Kindergarten is a transitional year and he will be there next year, right?  In kindergarten and certainly by 1st grade, teachers will tell kids that we do not cry at school (unless hurt or some significant reason).  I've seen it with my own two eyes that this is often the policy.  And the kids that cry frequently do stand out---------- because, as I said above, most kids start to develop coping strategies and can self soothe without the tears.  

If you think your son has trouble with this, I'd try to help him.

But on the surface of your question---------- everyone cries and should be allowed to when it is relevant to the situation.  

His dad's reaction was NOT helpful at all as it did nothing but shame him for crying.  We need to help our children in their ability to express themselves rather than just flat line their show of emotion.  And the insinuation that it is not for boy's to cry or have emotion is pretty archaic.  We are past Me Tarzan You Jane, I hope.  

But again, kids that cry super easily and about things that would not create tears in others should be worked with.  Sometimes something else is going on.  (IE:  my son had a meltdown about washing his hands in preschool . . . turns out he has sensory issues that made that very uncomfortable for him.  Explained the tears.  We also had the opportunity to give him other ways of conveying how he felt beyond the base reaction of tears.)  
good luck

[AUSTIN431]

there is a great article on awareparenting.com by Aletha Solter Ph.D called understanding tears and tantrums she has also written several books on the same subject

[RockRose]

I think it depends.  If a child is crying out of grief,  it seems wrong to cut off their emotions.  But really, some kids cry ALL THE TIME and whine and make everyone miserable - boys and girls.  Those kids should be encouraged to stop their whiney crying about something that didn't go exactly their way,  and think of strategies to deal with it besides crying all the time.

Since your son doesn't cry in social situations often,  I would let it go.

[margypops]

Its what we believe in The US may I ask what your culture is as many men form a different culture have another way of looking at the matter .

[banyan_kitty]

Thanks for all of your input!  Is there any well-written article about this?  If I can find one, my husband may understand better.  

[melipops]

Hi, All children should feel comfortable enough to cry. Five year olds don't have enough control over their emotions. I think your husband was taught this when he was young but times have changed. It is acceptable for a five year old boy to cry. Older even. Try to make your husband understand it is not a sign of weakness just a way of expressing emotions. Hope this helps

[AUSTIN431]

totally wrong of your husband i guess it makes your husband a woman to share with you how he feels or to wash the dishes? a 5 year old child is just that a 5 year old child it doesn't matter if they are a boy or girl they just now learning how to deal with their emotions and the disappointments in life you can't teach them anything by telling them they should hide their feelings and worry about what everyone else thinks about them telling him to use his words to express his feelings and explaining to him why things don't always go the way he wants is the right way to handle it your husband is wrong

[sweetheart0686]

I agree u shouldn't of told him that.. my son is also 5yrs old.. and he does his share of crying... I am guilty of saying ur not a girl quit crying but its when he's over reacting about something small... but I do tell him to use his words n that seems to help him a lot... my boyfriend hates how he cries about everything sometimes... but he is 5yrs old n ur husband needs to remember that....