Is there anyone with any advice? Please help my daughter.

[Shells249]

I am a mother of 3 and am desperate. My middle daughter is 7 and has some issues I am very worried about. She has always had issues and I always hoped it would just get better but it's not. She used to play with her poop, rub it on herself, the walls, her brother and sisters things if they upset her. She doesn't listen and never has. She basically does what she wants. She screams instead of talks, lies nonstop, doesn't understand personal space, hurts her little brother, steals (from me, her siblings, the store), she is always in trouble. In daycare before she went to school she would go under the table or stand on it and scream, at school she lies and argues with the teacher, at ballet she is always in trouble, she still wets the bed every night without fail, then hides the pull-up under something because she's just to lazy to throw it away. She doesn't use ctoilet paper, ever!!!, not with bm not ever, even though I've explained to her and pleaded with her and showed her how to do so. She doesn't clean up ever, it's always a fight, even then after hours she won't. She refuses to eat anything that I make, she sneaks food, candy, Nutella, really anything she can reach, I've put locks on the pantry and it doesn't matter, she has bowel issues because she doesn't eat right. She is almost on level grade wise so I know she is learning but her behavior reminds me of a toddler. Her brother who is 3 years younger is already passed her in behavior and honestly academically. I can leave the room to go to the restroom and when I come back she will literally have destroyed the room covering it I'm water, glue, paint, really anything she can find. She writes on the wall then denies it even after signing her name. She is not allowed to use a sink alone because she will cover everything with water (she still sneaks and does this anyway). I love my daughter, I'm scared and I'm worried. I've taken her to the dr and worried they want her to see a specialist and what could be going on. I adore her and would do anything for her and it has taken me a very long time to reach our and say I can't do this alone please help me. Her siblings are both very well behaved and actually very advanced for their ages and I think she is a very bright, sweet, loving girl. I just don't know how to help her. Any advice please. I can't tell you how many times I have stayed up crying worried there was something really wrong with her. I am terrified.

[Sandman2]

Very nicely put.  I agree completely.

[MarkLakewood3367]

But you are fixing the issue yourself.  You made the decision to seek professional help for her.  All the issues that you describe all point to the need for professional help.  I have worked with kids such as your daughter for decades.  Many other parents are dealing with similar issues.  You are certainly not alone.

I know that you are a bit reluctant seeking help and it sounds as if you feel like a failure as a parent because you haven't been able to solve the problem on your own.   Seeking help isn't a bad thing.  None of us can fix everything.  Not to mention, we could be too close to the issue and therefore too subjective to think out of the box.  

It certainly is not a weakness to seek help.  It is a strength!  Please keep us posted.

[Shells249]

I have an appointment now but they can't till Monday which seems far off but will work for us fine. I am home during the summer and I will work anything into our schedule. I have worked with kids for 10 years and i have been a mom for 12 and i have never known anyone who has had these issues. I feel a little defeated by not being able to help her on this. What's worse is I know she feels defeated too. I honestly didn't know she felt that way till recently. She had a friend stay the night which doesn't happen often due to these issues. She went to the bathroom and was gone to long and I went to check on her. She was totally nude, had unrolled all the toilet paper, had dumped out almost all the shampoo and had rubbed it on the mirror. She wasn't even gone for very long. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "mommy help me, please don't tell (friends name) they will make fun of me" it just seemed she wasn't in control. I washed her up and clothed her then sent her to play while I cleaned up. The while time I washed her up she was crying quietly, so no one heard. I just am not sure and need professional help. She is so beautiful and girly and sweet, no one who would meet her out and about would ever suspect the angelic looking child would have these issues. She is slightly underweight and diet is a huge issue I give her vitamins and I truly try to meet her every need. She is my child, I have loved her since conception and I will love her until the end of time, I just want to help her and I guess this specialist is how I can. I will do it, I hate the idea but I will take her. It hurts me inside not to be able to fix this issue myself.

[specialmom]

Here is the thing about 'labeling'.  Who sees the labels?  Teachers and school professionals that are involved with your child only.  Otherwise, that is very confidential information.  And the 'label' gives a reason for the action because otherwise, the use other labels like "trouble maker', "uncooperative", "gross" (the poop stuff).  

I have a child with a 'label'.  It helps teachers identify what is going on rather than just being frustrated by it.  

In this day and age, so many kids have various things that the family is working on that it is not at all uncommon.  I agree with Mark completely to have her evaluated to see if there is a root cause that you can seek therapy or treatment for.  good luck

[MarkLakewood3367]

Don't focus so much on labeling and what others might think.  Who cares what others think??  Get her the help she needs now before it is too late.  She is only 7.  The older she gets, the worse the problems may become.  

I have worked with too many parents bringing in their adolescent to see me for similar behaviors.  Can you imagine how difficult it is to deal with these behaviors at an older age??  Part of my assessment is asking the parents why they didn't seek help earlier.  

A child doesn't need to be abused or neglected to behave this way.  We shouldn't expect siblings to behave the same as they are all different and unique.  I know that you didn't say this, but you are not a bad parent so don't think that way either.  Bad parents don't seek advice!!  

There could be a million reasons why she is behaving this way.  That is why we are all recommending that you get this behavior checked out before it is too late.

[Shells249]

I worry about her being labeled and special ed possibilities. I worry she has something wrong and will have issues her entire life. I don't want that for her. I don't want people to view her that way. I want her just to stop and be happy and act like the kids her age. I want her to act like her siblings. I don't why her to do these things anymore, no more feces play or ridiculous behavior, she has set a fire once in our home and now I have thrown out all candles and I am worried. I know this sounds juvenile and silly of me but it is what I want in a perfect world. I don't understand why she does the things she does. Her siblings never would, she is loved, she is not beaten or abused, she is not neglected. She is loved and cared for and I want desperately for her to be happy.

[MarkLakewood3367]

I definitely agree with Sandman2 and specialmom consistent discipline and mental health counseling is the way to go.  In terms of discipline, the therapist will be able to assist better with this issue than what we can.

[Sandman2]

      You may have tried too many types of discipline measures.  Discipline has to be very consistent, immediate, and short.  Also, you cannot expect quick fixes.  It can take up to 3 weeks for a childs behavior to change if you have been doing it right.  The book,  "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark explains one method.
      However, since this is going on at both home and school, I would seek help from a mental health professional.   If your doctor could have helped you by now, he/she would have.  With the help of someone like a psychologist or psychiatrist you can find out what is going on and then how to help her.

[Shells249]

I have gone through all the discipline actions I can think of. I have taken things away (temporarily and perm innately), I have grounded, I have spanked, I have put in time out, I have used the reward for good behavior method and I am lost.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also, i agree with specialmom that she needs to be properly evaluated by a professional.

[specialmom]

I would actually have her seen by a psychologist at this point.  Chasing other kids around with feces is over the top.  I am guessing there is something more going on and would look into things such add/adhd.  Good luck dear

[MarkLakewood3367]

Locking things up, pleading, and explaining are not forms of discipline.  Your post mentions nothing of discipline imposed.  This is a disciplinary issue.  You need to provide her with firm structure, limit setting, boundaries, and discipline.  If you would like help with this, please explain what discipline you used or are using per behavior.  Most of the time, tweaking disciplinary methods can make all the difference in the world.