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Is this aggressive behavior towards animals and my baby normal?

There is so much I want to ask. I'm sure this will be all over the place.....
I'm a Stepmother to a 5 year old defiant, manipulative, aggressive, and very troubled little girl. She was in state custody on and off with her maternal Grandmother and step Grandfather due to her Mother and Father (my boyfriend and Father to my 5 month old) doing drugs. Daddy, after getting clean, got custody of her August last year while I was pregnant. We only had her for 20 days before I gave birth. (They both moved in with me.) Things were very hard for her at first. Many adjustments. The Grandparents had no rules, routine, or structure, allowed her 2 cups of coffee in the morning, soda all day, junk food as her primary food group, and she had no manners or hygiene. She still will not wipe correctly and will leave poop in her butt all day swearing she wiped. I've had to help her clean up and explain hygiene to her on numerous occasions. The smell even after she showers is nauseating.

The jealousy over the baby was immediate. She became extremely difficult to handle. Especially when I was nursing or if Daddy held the baby. She would tell me she didn't want me to take care of the baby, in playing Simon Says, she told me Simon Says drop my baby sister, she threw things at the baby, and even ran around the schoolyard screaming "I'm gonna kill my baby sister!" I was terrified and mortified when I was approached and made aware of her behavior when I picked her up from daycare. She also hit a child in the face on the school bus because he asked her not to sing.

She has been aggressive with my cats.... Kicking them, picking them up and throwing them, choking them, hitting them, pinning them down, trying to put them in the sink with the water running, and recently she beat my dog in the head with a wand that had a snow globe on the top. When she shied away from the head blows, she beat her in her side. I was outside helping Daddy with plumbing issues in our new house and walked around front to peek inside to make sure she was behaving and that my 5 month old was still happily playing in her bouncer. That's when I witnessed her using her toy as a weapon. I lost my mind on her and Daddy threw away the toy she used as a weapon. I took her stuffed animals away and her doggie. She's carried this mutilated doggie around for years and I told her if she's going to continue hurting my animals, I'm taking all her stuffed animals away because she doesn't deserve to play with stuffed animals if she hurts real animals. She didn't even cry when I held the bag and made her put all the stuffed animals in.

The jealousy over the baby turned into obsession in the last couple months. She started being a wonderful help! Feeding, giving pacifier, helping change the baby, picking out her clothes, etc. Which is why she was trusted to be alone with her while we worked in the garage on plumbing issues. Apparently she thought she was playing with my dog by beating her. This child lies at any chance she gets. I ask her to clean her room.... She'll tell me she's done and I even ask if she's sure. She'll belt out YEP! And run into her room, then turn around giving me the puss in boots face when I see that her room is NOT clean. That's a regular occurrence. She won't brush her teeth well and usually wants someone to watch her shower so we can see that she's not rinsing all the soap out of her hair and that she's not washing her body. She'll say she's just being silly or that she forgot. Each morning is almost WWIII to get her to brush her hair and usually ends in tears because she'll say she doesn't want to brush her hair and wants me to do it because she doesn't feel like it and doesn't have to listen. It's almost like she wants punishment. It doesn't matter what we do for disciplinary action. Take toys, no TV, don't touch the animals, go to the corner, doing nothing and ignoring her, excluding her from fun things, stay in her room..... Nothing matters. Each offense gets worse now.

Each time she goes with the Grandparents, we deal with a monster upon arrival home. We've kept her from them for a long time and tried gradually introducing them again since she seemed to be listening better, treated us better, and was treating the animals and baby better........ Not so much. We recently moved and have loads to do. My boyfriend is legally blind and doesn't work. He can't drive so he's constricted on where he can take her to exert energy. I also work overnights, so I can spend time with the kids during the day, but my bf isn't very helpful about getting his daughter to play quietly during the day so I can sleep. I've become accustomed to sleeping every other night, but just yesterday, Daddy said Friday seemed like the best day to have me sleep in since I work a 15 hour overnight on Friday. I tried. He was getting her breakfast after getting the baby fed and all of a sudden we hear the baby wail. I recognized the cry from months earlier when the 5 year old pinched the baby for no reason while we were waiting in the truck for Daddy to come out of a store. He ran around the corner and said "what did you do?" Naturally her reply: noooooottttthhhhhhiiiiiing in her whiny, meek voice when she knows she is in trouble. He immediately put her in the corner. Screw that, I thought! I jumped out of bed and asked what she did. She asked if I was gonna be mad. I told her I wanted to know. She said "I scratched her." I pointed and told her to go to her room and gather her toys along the way. Then I said "where did you scratch her" as I looked at my baby...... She didn't even have to say anything at that point because I saw the claw marks on my child's face!!!!!!!! There was even a chunk taken out of the inside corner of her eye. Nothing prompted this. It was just after she woke up at 9:30 in the morning. Daddy and I both lost it on her. I didn't stop shaking until noon. At that time I tried talking to her about it. She. Laughed. At. Me!!!!! I asked if she thought what she did was funny?!?! Then the tears rolled. She had this same response each time I would attempt to explain that we love our animals and not hurt them.

If she were my child, I would spank her, but I believe it would only promote her violence. My boyfriend is in a state of denial and thinks all this is normal 5 year old behavior BUT inexcusable. He has guilt over his past and blames himself for her behavior because the Grandparents  barely took care of her. They just maintained her.

The Step Grandfather has a sick obsession for her. Took her to bars and used her as a chick magnet in his daily life while driving around town drunk with her. He also slept with her and bathed with her. The Grandmother took her to bars to sing karaoke and she also did drugs. The five year old told me they used to hit her, but they swear they never did. I have reason to believe that she was sexually abused. The first time she told me her pee pee hurt from not wiping right, was just after being with the grandparents. She told me she wanted me to look. I was extremely cautious and told her I needed to look and make sure she didn't need to go to a Doctor. As I peeked around the corner to let Daddy know what was happening for medical purposes, she had become completely naked with legs spread wide open on the her up over her head while spreading her lady parts!!! I was so taken off guard. There was thick, white discharge with almost her entire genital region red and irritated. I discussed personal privacy and never getting naked and spreading her legs like that ever again. That night she had a nuclear meltdown about missing Grandpa..... To the point of near hyperventilating! Red. Flag!!!!!

Help! I'm terrified of what's next! Each offense gets worse despite punishing. We try HARD to spend time with her and do fun family things! This can't be normal?! I'm scared that she will really hurt my daughter or one of my animals..... Or worse..... kill...... Please help!
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Avatar universal
i'm very sorry to hear this situation. firstly, please make sure your infant and the animals are safe at all times; please have the animals, at least, elsewhere (another home) to make sure they will be safe while you are dealing with this issue.

as for the young girl, i am so very sorry. please speak to the Police, child protection services, her physician, and other authorities (counselors) to help and protect her.

Helpful - 0
13017155 tn?1429020488
I think she just flat out craves attention but clearly doesnt know how to get that attention. You and her father and the only parents she has.. set time aside just for her.. the jealousy she has for the new sibling is perfectly normal. Not to mention, she shes been bounced around and has a very unsettled feeling to begin with. Then shes been put into a new surrounding and back with her father with devided attention which is shared with her new Step Mom and then again with a new sister. From what your saying, she needs counseling for sure... these feelings need to be sorted out.
These things shes doing.. not cleaning her room all way, acting out, wanting you to watch her shower, this is all in her own way seeking your attention but in the wrong way. I can see your frustration. You gave birth to a child, then moved your childs father in with you, then added his troubled daughter into your home and all within a short period of time. You should consider "family" counseling. It would be very beneficial to all of you involved. Good Luck and keep posting to update us. :)
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
So what did you do when you found that she apparently has a genital infection of some kind,  besides correcting her on exactly how to show you here genitals when you asked to see them?

Honestly,  what did you expect her to do when you asked to see her "lady parts"?
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
I feel so sorry for this little girl.  What a rotten start to life she has had!  First with SICK parents who neglected her by abusing drugs and being such bad parents that the state removed them.  CPS does not like to do that and gives parents chances before doing this and her mother and your boyfriend couldn't get their act together for her.  So so sad.  And then on to what sounds to be gross grandparents.  Sure, this little girl is an emotional wreck.  Her dad should be spending his time helping her.  He's part of the reason she has so many problems now!  I am sure he feels immense guilt as she is a product of the life he made for her which was a MESS.  

And a child who has had that atmosphere such as you describe then being thrust into the world of rules, structure, expectations is going to flounder for a while.  Jealousy would be natural after you were treated the way her dad treated her as a little one.

I'm pleased that he cared enough to seek custody so at least he cares for her some and feels some sense of responsibility.  What kind of care in terms of emotional support does this child get?  Kids with this type of tumultuous start will test and test because she doesn't believe her dad will be there for her or you.  And that there is a perfect baby in the house that never gets in trouble, doesn't have someone telling them they are doing things wrong, etc. . . .  envy is pretty normal.  

She is mimicking the kind of life she had.  The people in her life are your dad and in laws . . .  the family you chose for yourself.  THEY taught her to be this way with their neglect and abuse and whatever else was going on.  

So, now she has to be slowly shown a world of gentleness and kindness.  I would try to spend some one on one time with her yourself, have her dad spend one on one time with her.  If the grandparents are a problem, then limit their time with her.  Seek professional help through a counselor.  And give her dad the space and time to help heal this situation with his daughter. good luck
Helpful - 0
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