Is this behavior normal?

I have a son who is 4 1/2 and he is an only child. I am having difficulty with the way that he has been acting. There is no happy medium with my child. When he is good he is an angel sweet, caring, compassionate, he uses his manors, he says please and thank you and is loving and helpful. However when he is bad it is like "who's child are you?" He is aggressive, rude, just down right evil. I have tried everything from talking, to yelling, to time outs. Nothing seems to work, lately the behavoir has been getting worse and now he has been throwing these horriable fits. Trashing his room, telling people that he hates them, saying things like " Don't look at me I will punch you in the face." I don't understand were he is getting all this aggression from. My husdand and I don't know what you do, This can't be normal. How do you reason with a 4 year old?  I feel like I am not doing a good job as a parent. He is starting preschool in a year and I don't wanted him to start school and be labled as the bad kid. I don't know what to do. Is this normal? How can I handled this behavior?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

One of the tasks that needs to be pursued is to rule out that his behavior is symptomatic of a mood disorder. Is there any family history (on either your or his father's sides of the family) of mood disorder? In order to investigate that aspect of the situation, arrange an evaluation with a peditaric mental health or behavioral health clinician. You'll also want to establish a systematic beahvior management system. You hace attempted various forms of discipline and limit-setting, but the drawback likely is that you have not done this in a sufficiently systematic manner. If you want a very clear, practical example of what I am suggesting, look at Lynn Clark's book titled SOS: Help for Parents. It's program is precisely what you need.

[tiffanyacase]

I know exactly what you are dealing with. I have a daughter who is 4 1/2 and people do not believe me when I describe how she bahaves...until today that is, when I had to pick her up from school because she hit another child, kicked her teacher, threw mulch in her teacher's face, and proceeded to tell them that should would not go to time out.  My daughter was diagnosed as bipolar at 2 years old.  I decided against medication because of her age and started giving her high doses of Omega 3 fatty acids (you can find them at the health food store) those helped tremendously for a while.  You might want to look into an amazing book called "the bipolar child", it really helps you pinpoint the problems you are dealing with.  You may be able to find a copy at the library, or you can usually buy it on ebay pretty cheap (that's what I did).  The book also goes into depth on the Omega 3 treatment.  If you ever want to talk to someone going through the same thing, email me ***@****.  I personally don't know anyone else going through this that I can just vent to.

[johanna2]

Hello

I'm a stay at home mother of two girls. After reading these posts, I now wonder if my 3 year old daughter has bipolar or some type of mood disorder (which I never knew existed). I have been racking my brain trying to figure out where and when I went wrong as a mom. She has always been a very loud, extremely attached to me, emotional, irritable child, we knew she'd be tough even when she was only 3 months old based on her reaction to new surroundings and new people. She recently had her tonsils and adnoids removed, which we thought would improve her overall attitude and just daily behavior since she's been eating and sleeping a little better, and it did help a little bit, but now we're dealing with such a violent, angry, aggressive child. She hasn't slept in her bed since we took her out of her crib at 2.9 years but I know that can be 3 year old stuff and I never should've given in but she has a LOT of fears already, she wakes up terrified and shaking. Other than that, her behavior is really out of control anyway. Tempter tantrums, (often over the smallest of things), telling people she hates them and she doesn't like anyone, randomly throwing things, deliberately and violently hurting her baby sister (20 months old) or other kids she's playing with. Her behavior with her sister seems to go on almost ALL DAY LONG. I start each day by putting my 3 year old in her room due to something she's done to her sister and my day seems to end the same.  She has just started to fight naps, she will nap occasionally so I know she's still very tired during the day, which doesn't help. It's gotten so I'm avoiding friends and their kids because I'm so humiliated with her behavior and fear she will seriously hurt someone else's child. I am around a LOT of other little girls her age and have yet to see another child act so out of control. I'm at my wit's end. She won't share, she hits, bites, scratches, throws things. Her new thing, when I allow her to get something new at the store, she refuses to put it on the counter so I can pay for it. She screams at the top of her lungs and starts hitting me. Needless to say, she won't be getting anyting new for a LONG time. I don't know how to help her and often wonder if I'm missing some type of mental disorder with her. She is very bright and is starting school in the fall. Right now she attends and enrichment program one day a week and every time I pick her up, I hear of her hitting someone or just randomly throwing a toy at another child and screaming because she didn't want anyone to come near her. I'm worried she will always be the odd man out and will start to alienate kids, ending up to be the kid the nobody wants to play with. As a result of all this, I am becoming very depressed. My husband says it's just "3 year old stuff" but he doesn't see what I see since he's working all day. My heart breaks for my other daughter too. I spend most of my day trying to calm my 3 year old down for one reason or another and as a result, I feel like she misses out on mommy time. I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you.

[johanna2]

Sorry for making this so long but I wanted to mention too that I noticed since my daughter has been sleeping in bed with me that she tosses and turns almost all night long. She rarely is in a peaceful sleep. Not sure if this will help with any kind of diagnosis to what's going on with her. Thank you again.