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Avatar universal

Is this normal

I have a son who will be 5 in Aug. I'm not sure what to do anymore. In preschool he does great he listens, he plays with other kids well. But when he comes home he is a total different child. You ask him to do something and he ignores you. You basically have to scream at him to get him to do it, and sometimes that doesnt even work. And then this new thing he started doing  for example tonight he said before bed " cover me up". I told him thats not how you ask. his respones " you wont cover me up". I told him I will cover you up when u ask nice. and that went back and forth for around 30 min. But he will do that with other situations too. And then I will ask him to do something and he wont listen and he'll say " I don't like u screaming at me ur being mean to me". I would tell him I wouldnt have to scream at you if you would listen and I wouldn't be this way if u were being nice, of course Im going to be mean if ur not following the rules and just doing what u want to do, and talking to me the way you do". But ur being mean and screaming at me is the only thing I get from him. I am very consitant with him. If he doesnt follow the rules he goes in time out and he will lose something or be grounded. None of that does anything. Its like he doesnt care. I know he understands what I am saying but he just keeps doing what he wants. I have cried so many nights, because it feels like I am always screaming at him and I have no control over him. He doesnt act like this all the time all day long but it sure seems that way.
If someone could please give me some answers, I would really appreciate it soooo much
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973741 tn?1342342773
Yes, I agree with the above.  I think partly what you are seeing is a reaction to your style.  I know that we think children should just buckle down and do what we like . . . but it doesn't always work that way.  The dynamics in your home are ones that you yourself set up as he is much different at school.  

I agree that yelling is getting you nowhere and your home seems quite punitive.  I'd start by giving him choices.  You decide on the choices so it is not like he is getting his way.  Then when he chooses, he is much more willing to comply.  You also have to make choices about what you get upset over.  Everyone wants a child to speak politely to us.  I think if I didn't like the way my child asked me to cover them up either by their tone or negating the please------------ I'd stop and say.  "honey, can you say please when you ask me? "  Rather than a 30  minute argument that just left everyone feel bad.  Some things are moments to teach children rather than just be mad at them.  You have to decide about this and maybe make about half the time you are getting mad a teaching moment.

Give a transitional warning.  If you want him to come to dinner when it is on the table, give him a 5 minute warning that it is time to eat.  Then a one minute.  Then he's more likely to come.  Sometimes we as parents say "let's go" right now with no warning and many many kids find that difficult.  Preschools are well aware of the transitional issues some kids have and incorporate that into their day.

Preschools are also routine and structured.  Kids are given attention, activities and jobs to do, they know what happens and when and the mood is to be light and fun.  I'd seriously consider moving that kind of atmosphere into your house.  That isn't saying that your house is bad or your parenting is bad------- but I think I'd attempt to recreate some of the serenity for everyone's sake.  

I'd try to think in terms of how you can get him to be motivated.  What about a job's chart?  I just started a new one with my boys and they love it (they are 5 and 6)!  I have things for them to do each day and they can get up to 3 checks a day.  When they get to so many, they get a mystery prize (could be an outing of their choice or a toy or some money-------- it will change at our house.)  You could also do a behavior chart doing the same thing.  Pick three things for him to work on and he can get 3 charts per day (more than that----------  he'll lose interest).  Changing the way things are going at home will take time as this is the dynamic already in place.  It will also mean that you have to try to change things.  
We also did beans in a jar for good deeds, listening, helping and when they got to a certain number-------  they got to pick an outing of their choice.  Money is motivating as well----------- amazing what I can get my kiddos to do for a spare nickel.  I think that catching him doing something right is what you really need to work on.  Praise him like crazy when he does it the way you like "oh thank you so much for asking me politely------ that makes my heart so happy!"  Cheer him on when he gets it right at home.

Get him to parks, run play as much as possible.  Physical activity helps a boy stay grounded (girls too.)
Lastly, if you are yelling about everything or even on a regular basis----------  you are going to get nowhere.  Here's why--------  there is no hierarchy of what you are upset about then.  You yell about everything and are always mad in his eyes.  He is now in the position of thinking "why bother".  NOt good.  You should probably re evaluate that and think about what actions on your part have gotten you in this place with your son.  Then the whole family can change and things will be a lot better. Good luck
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Avatar universal
Your son has already explained what you should do.  Stop screaming at him.  He's obviously found, from being in preschool, that not everyone screams at him to get him to do things.  And you even said that the screaming doesn't work.  Kids need attention - and they'll usually try to get it whatever way they can.  But your son has recently discovered that he wants positive attention rather than negative attention.  At this age, it is also not unusual at all for a child to push the limits of what power he truly has.  When he "commands" you to do something, he's testing to see if he has the authority to tell you what to do just as you tell him what to do.  But if you scream at him as a response, he learns that you are throwing a temper tantrum and refusing to do what he wants - so it's okay for him to throw a temper tantrum when you want something.  Instead, stay clam and wait for him to ask properly - or simply tell him you won't do something until he asks properly... and if/when he asks properly, then do what he asks, kindly.

When you tell him he needs to do something and he won't (for example, pick up his toys), take him by the hand, hold his hand to make it pick up the toys and walk him to where they go and put the toy back (still using his hand).  Continue to work that way until the task is done.  He'll get the idea that, one way or another, the task you told him to do will be done - and be done by him.  But stop screaming - if he gets that from you at any point, he won't see a reason to do what you tell him because, if you're going to yell anyway, what's the point in doing something he doesn't want to do.  He'd rather not follow the rules and get yelled at than follow the rules (doing something he doesn't want to do) and still get yelled at.
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Avatar universal
First of all don't engage in these arguments with him.  He is old enough to cover himself at night, and if he doesn't ask nicely then say good night and leave his room.  It's becoming a game to him.  You remind him one time that he needs to ask or act in the proper way and if he doesn't you act, not talk.  He's doing this with you because he can, and he is enjoying the constant going back and forth.  Stop playing his game, he will see right away that this isn't going to continue. It's good that you explain why you are acting the way you are, but keep it short, less talk and more action.  Don't even look at him while he's in time out.  I think once he realizes that he gets only one chance to do things correctly, he will do much better.  He got an extra 30 minutes of being up by just discussing why he had to ask you the right way to cover him up, he's playing you. Tell him one time and that's it!  They are very cunning, show him that it is you in control and some things are not up for debate.  Good luck and take care.
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