Is this something to worry about

[mama4three]

My son who is almost 4 (born at 34 weeks) and attending pre-school since age 2, is now in JK.  

I have noticed some of his behavious that seem almost toddler like in certain situations.  For example, when I went to observe him in a classroom setting, 3 boys were building a tower and he would come along and knock it down and they would refuse to let him play with them.  Then we were in the lunch room and he saw other kids juice boxes, he intentionally knocked them over and refused to say sorry.  Its as if he is trying to irritate or upset the other children intentionally.  He mostly plays by himself and still seems to parallel play vs engaging other children.  When I ask him who he played with each day he says no one.  When I ask him who his friends are he says no one.  He sometimes protests about going to school but once we are there seems happy enough to be there.  

I try to arrange playdates with other Mom's of boys in his class but he always ends  up playing by himself.  I keep taking him over to them to introduce them and get them to play something together but he always ends up on his own.  

Is this normal at his age.  Is he just socially immature? Or a loner?  Should I be concerned?  I am a professional who decided to stay home so that I could give the maximum time and attention to my children so I don't feel he is lacking attention.  What about the intentional acts of disrupting other kids play?  How can I help him?

[91004]

He is still young? You said almost three. He is still a toddler. When he does these things does anyone redirect him and tell him to stop or put him in timeout. He needs to learn not to bully other kids. Are the other kids older or younger or around the same age.

[specialmom]

Your son is almost 4 and that is young.  He may, indeed, be immature and lacking in natural social skills.

But I just can't stay silent----  my son did this exact same thing at that age and into his 4's----  the knocking things down that other kids were playing and "wrecking" things.  He has a developmental delay called sensory integration disorder----- and no, I'm not saying your son does.  But when we worked on this with the school couselor as he was being diagnosed with his delay-----  she stressed that he couldn't help it.  His brain was sending the signal.  He didn't know how to interact with other kids and his brain craved the crashing stimuli.  It is strange sounding, I know.  But our nervous system is very complex.  He still does this type of thing if he is having a very bad day with his sensory symptoms even though he knows he shouldn't.  Luckily it is quite rare but last year when we were delivering my younger son to his preschool room and while I was getting my younger son settled, my sensory kid who was waiting went over to the play table with plastic dishes and play food on it and messed everything up.  He ended up having a major meltdown about an hour later.  It was strange----  but this often means he is not modulated/regulated within his nervous system.

Okay, so now that I got that out of the way-------  your son maybe lacks the natural ability to instigate play with others.  When this is the case, you should role model the words he can use.  Act it out for him.  You will have to be more active on playdates and think of how you can get a game going that you and the kids can play (tag is a good one, we make it touch tag only---- so no one pushes).  His teacher can do something like giving him just a little extra attention and perhaps set him up with one other boy to do an activity or a game of rolling a ball back and forth.  If he were happy playing by himself that would be fine.  But he is not as he is attracted to what other kids are doing and doesn't know how to join in.  Help him along and he should outgrow it.  Be careful though, self esteem is forming in these years and if it takes a dip, it takes forever to get over (literally----  I treated many people as a therapist that had issues with self esteem and confidence starting very young and I saw what happened to my son.  He became aware that other kids didn't like him at 4 and to be honest, that is when I became aggressive about helping him overcoming his delay.  I'm happy to report he is a happy, confident kindergartner now.)  So make sure you do address it somehow for his esteem.   Good luck.

[specialmom]

One last thing, as my son had issues at 3 and 4 with playmates----  a wise person told me I was his first play mate and I had to teach him how to play with others.  I took that seriously.   I  played like I was another boy (one who wanted his (my) turn too, who occasionally won, etc.).  Good luck

[91004]

Specialmom,

I have always done that also. I think it is so funny when we go to the park I run with my 2 boys and go down the slide and swing and I get looks from the parents that are just sitting on the bench gossiping. I play on everything they do and they love it. We race and see who wins.

[specialmom]

91004

I'm glad you are a kindred spirit!  If you notice, all of those mom's kids are so excited to play with you.  And truthfully, it's kind of fun playing on the playground, isn't it?  I will say that I used to have a fighting chance of winning a race----  but now that are 4 and 5, they laugh as I try to keep up with them.  Anyway, keep up the good work!