Issues with volatile, violent 3 year old

[blayzmoon]

This is in reference to my best friends 3 1/2 year old son. Nothing about this child is new, he has always been very violent and highly volatile, ready to lose it at any time foir any (and no) reason at all. My friend is a good mom, her two other children are as normal as kids get. They are a happy, functional family and the two girls have no bad behavior issues any more than any other child. Their dad just came back from Iraq but like i said this is not what started the 3 year olds bahavior - he has been like this since he was tiny, when his dad was around. As a 9 month old he would hit and throw things and scream. His mom has tried everything to correct this behavior but nothing phases this child. She has tried, time-outs(she can't make him stay in time out), talking/explaining why the behavior is unaceptable (he screams at her and hits her), ignoring him (he gets even more violent), spanking, which she believes only intensifies his rage.
His mother defends him and makes excuses for him and claims his bahavior to be normal for a 3 yr old boy.
Overall this child:
*challenges all authority, almost mocking those who attempt to take control
*hits, kicks, bites, screams, punches,
*threatens to kill people (not himself) threatens to stab people with scissors, or cut off their heads,
*he had a disagreement with a child at preschool so he attacked him with his fingernails until the child had blood on his face and chest
*attacks are not always provoked - sometimes another child or adult will just be sitting minding their own business and this child will throw something at them or punch or kick them (my daughter was playing with her train set and had her back to him, they had not had any upset that day and he ran at her and before i could stop him he had jumped and kicked her in the back causing bruising the following day)
*if he is having a disagreement with another child the boy gets in such a rage that it escalates to something violent with the other child getting injured
*he attacks animals for no reason - he kicked my 3 month old, 4 pound puppy in the face a few days ago and i told him calmly that is not okay so he tried to punch me in the face and when i moved so he couldn't hit me he went and kicked the puppy again, almost taunting me
*he will run in the road in front of vehicle with what seems to be no fear, it isn't clear if he doesn't understand its dangerous or if he just doesn't care
*he CAN be a very loving child, and is sweet sometimes, he is not always a raging child, but he can be set off with little or nothing occuring
*he is very attached to his mom - he cries most days when dropped off at pre-school, he cries when his mom is going to the store and he stays with his dad or anyone else
*the child does not get along well with other children - only yesterday my friend and i went to the gym and we let the kids play in the room next door, (as it is designed for children and has a glass wall) As soon as we got there my friend stopped and said something along the lines of "oh no there are other children here, Carter doesn't do well with other children"
*this child was very slow to talk, and now is difficult to understand to the point sometimes his mother has no idea what he is saying
I have grown tired of my daughter being attacked and of being threatened by a 3 year old myself. I am tired of seeing my friend lose sleep over this. I would love to believe that this child really is exhibiting normal boy behavior as my friend has convinced herself but i think there might be something wrong with him. Bi-polar maybe? I considered autism but the boy does make eye contact
I am sure i left a bunch out but does anyone have any possible soggestions for this boys behavior?
Is this really normal for a 3 year old boy?

[specialmom]

Let me be clear, I never said it was okay for a three year old to hit or spit or break your things or your daughters.  I wasn't saying to accept it.  But what you describe sounds like total dysfunction within the whole family.  I'm sorry-----  but something does not sound right and not with just the child.  I've never felt victemized by a three year old before . . . and you seem to.  I mean, who is the adult here (and by that I am not just talking about you but his parents as well).  I have a child with a delay and I have seen a lot and experienced a lot . . . but I am the adult in every situation.  While there is something possibly wrong with this little boy of 3, there are other things going on here that do not sound healthy.  

My suggestion to you is what I would do in any relationship in which someone is abused as you describe yourself and your daughter which is to minimize contact.  What else can you do?  The mother is not addressing it and somehow a 3 year old is able to do all of these things.  Like I said, I've got a kid with issues and know it can be difficult to control it-----  but what you describe just doesn't sound right.  

As I said earlier, if there is something wrong and the mother isn't going to address it now (and maybe she will if you back off due to being afraid of her child) then it will be addressed in school.  That is in 2 years.  Until then, see her less and try to meet at neutral places like parks or whatnot.  What else can you do?  

With regards to physical activity-----  I will tell you that any nervous system problem such as sensory integration disorder and ADD./ADHD will respond posatively to muscle work and physical activity.  It would be unusual for it to have no affect.  My son has a nervous system delay and his therapy is primarily play therapy and heavy physical activity.  It calms him and soothes his nervous system.  He has trouble with flexibility and being rigid (ie:  wants the game HIS way and wants to win) . . . so what we do (and he has learned through occupational therapy) is to practice the right way to play.  You give a choice of what to do.  Then you say-----  okay this time we will try it your way.  Then it is my turn and we will do it my way.  And then you can have another turn to do it your way.  If you have a race and he loses-----  okay X, this was my turn to win.  Lets try it again and see if you win. (I mean he is three, he has to win sometimes too . . .)  Practice saying good game to him or nice job when he wins and have him say nice game to you or whoever when they win.  You teach the appropriate way to respond in baby steps.  There are books that you can get from the library or buy at the bookstore or online that really speak kid language.  I'd get some for him on emotions to give him words for how he is feeling.  I'd give him alternatives to hitting when mad.  Talk to him about what else he can do.  I'd work to get the pause between anger and reacting.  That is what you work on with a child with impulse control.  There is a series of books with one in particular that is very good "Hands are not for hitting".  It is a simple message that kids get.  There are all kinds of oral motor things that soothe kids and calm them.  ETc.  But the problem is . . . I don't think anyone is willing to do this work with this child.  So I think your only option is to back away and hope for the best.  good luck

[blayzmoon]

Hello again,
Thank you for being frank with me about this issue. Glad you pointed out the things you did - the last thing i want to do is alienate my friend. My main goal is to be able to find him the help he needs in order to correct his behavior and improve his chances of being successful in school and in the future generally. What's over-dramatic about my being upset and angry about my child (whether she be 3 or 13) being hit so severely she is left with bruises and comes to me crying and bleeding? I no longer want to be punched in the face, have toys thrown at me, be spit upon, have my hair pulled by, kicked, punched, bitten or anything else by this child. I feel powerless, almost afraid of a 3 year old. This is ridiculous. I would like to be able to go to the bathroom (or the security of my things, which he often breaks) I also do not want to see this 3 year old child being labelled as bad (by myself or others) if he has issues, medical or otherwise, which are affecting his behavior. We do engage the child in both physical and mental stimulation as a way of avoiding the conflict and using up some of his energy but it doesn't make any difference. The minute things are not perfect, as in he trips, or doesn't catch the ball or run the fastest or whatever he loses it. I really do hope my friend and i can communicate without any resentment as i do love her but i have to put the safety of my child and myself and pets first. I'd hate to lose her but will choose that over the continued abuse by a three year old.
Thanks!

[specialmom]

Just read your last post.  My theory on this is that once he enters public school, if there are issues they will be addressed.  Parents that choose to ignore signs of trouble with their toddlers and preschoolers usually can't once their child once they have a teacher, counselor and principal talking to them about it.  It is a shame to let it go so long as early intervention can do wonders.  But that is his parents choice.  You have to respect that.  You can remain friends by having low expectations of her son's behavior.  And I guess I wouldn't overdramatize things either . . . as it does sound like you are, sorry to say.  Your daughter is 8-----  while she shouldn't be hit-----  you made it sound like she is also 3 from  your original post.  

I will tell you that my son DOES have sensory integration disorder----  when he was 3 and not yet diagnosed but there was suspicioun about it----  I had a friend and a sister in law say some things to me that I took offense to.  The friend and I rarely talk now and I've never mentioned (not once) my son's diagnosis to my sister in law.  I just won't talk about it with her.  Not because of my being upset at my son's diagnosis but because of the way they spoke to me about it at a vulnerable time. I had plenty of other people in my life that handled the whole thing differently-------  that I'm very open with about my son (then and now).  So the way you handle this will determine your friendship with this woman and by the way you wrote this------  you WILL make her defensive.  So rethink what your goal is before approaching her.  Some parents know something is wrong and are privately trying to figure it out and don't need a friend giving them a list of every grievence they have against their child.  

I would do this too-----  kids behavior dramatically improves with physical activity.  Get some running, jumping, rolling, swinging in whenever you are there.   Start some games like this at the begining of your get together and it may calm him for the rest of it.  

Being a good friend sometimes takes figuring out how to be support and helpful without overstepping boundaries.  Good luck.

[specialmom]

I'm not really sure what your goal is here.  If you just want someone to say that he is abnormal, okay----- something is probably going on.  But that would mean that this child deserves lots of empathy from the adults in  his life.  You as a friend to his mother have to find a way to talk to her as to not make her defensive about it.  You still probably will . . . such is the nature of biased and protective parents.  I will say that it sounds like this child needs much more interaction and supervision.  But yes, he has some abnormal behaviors.  

[blayzmoon]

Hi,
Thank you for your comments. My daughter is actually 8 years old and has tried talking to the boy and telling him ouch that hurt, you are not being friendly/nice. Please don't do that, i don't like it etc. and she has tried walking away and coming to tell an adult but he just laughs and assaults her. When all else failed i tried telling her to hit him back, but she always ends up worse off because she knows he is little so she barely taps him on his bottom but he flies into an even worse rage than before. So i end up with a daughter who is bruised, upset, bleeding or emotionally disturbed. I ended up refusing to be around the child until his behavior changed. We didn't really speak for the last 6 months but she said she had been working on it. My friend said he had gotten better but clearly this is not the case.
Like you said until hius mom accepts there is an issue there is little i can do. I just don't want to lose a firned over this and i fear for the boys future if he does have issue swhich go unaddressed.
Thanks again!

[blayzmoon]

Also left out that the child had odd issues with going potty - he will deliberately go out into the backyard and defacate on the trampoline or behind the shed or anywehere really - the same applies to urination. He gets a kick out of going where he ought not to go.

[specialmom]

You pretty much summed it all up when you said his mother while being upset about it isn't wanting intervention.  What more can you do.  Your thoughts and opinions of the way her child behaves or how she handles it are irrelavent.  Sorry, but that is the truth.

With that said, google sensory integration disorder/processing disorder and see if it fits at all.  He very well may have some issues going on that regular discipline will not work for (and yes, spanking a child that hits is not smart as what is the sense in saying "don' hit-----  so I'll hit you."  

But unless his parents want to address these things and  have him evaluated (an occupational therapist evaluates for sensory issues)-----  what can you do?  As a friend, I think I would just supervise heavily when they play, play games with the both of them and redirect behavior, give your daughter some words to use (please don't hit me), talk to the boy right then and there with his mother present and say "did you mean to hurt X?"  He'll probably say no.  Then tell him that he did and he needs to say sorry.  Keep phrases very simple and calmly said-----  "we don't hit" or "hands to yourself".  

But whether something is really going on with him is for his parents to decide.  

[blayzmoon]

Forgot to add:
He also has unusual sexual interest. Don't want to be specific but it seems unusual to me.