Jealous of her autistic brother?

hello.  This is a great forum I just found tonight so I'll jump right in.  My problem of the week is my 5 yr old NT daughter is lashing out on me and a few select others.  I also have a 3 year old autistic son(another story).  I think the pressures of her brother are affecting her.  She is always yelling at me when she doesn't get her way.  She reigns the house and won't stop crying until she gets her way.  I know she is jealous because her brother gets alot of attention just for making a sound (he is nonverbal). Her brother functions at an overall 15 month level.  She doesn't understand his problems.  I have a niece now 16 months that does so much more than my son and my daughter doesn't understand why.  She use to think her brother was just a baby, now she thinks he is just stupid.  I have tried to talk to her but I am not getting through.  Could all of this anger be because she doesn't understand her brother or is she testing her waters?  What age does a child understand about disabilities?  I do spend alot of time with her , she is in preschool 3 days a week and my son is in school 5 days a week but even then if I shift my attention away from her for a minute she blows a fit.  Any advice you can offer would be appreciated.  Thank You.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Linda,

Young children are basically egocentric and pleasure-seeking - that is their nature. It's too much to expect that a child so young will be able to appreciate her sibling's difficulties. In a few years she'll know more about it.

I would focus simply on the behavior. If it's contrary to the rules of the household, then set limits on it and discipline her if it's required. Tantrums of the crying sort can be ignored - they're disrupting because of the noise, but no harm done. Certainly don't 'give in' in the face of noise - you'll only be rewarding, and thus reinforcing, the behavior. If your daughter insists on making a scene, let her know that's OK, but she'll have to do so in her room, where she'll pose less of a disruption to the other family members.