Kindergarte Teacher Recommends holding my daughter back

My daughter just turned 5 on July 31st.  She went to Pre-school starting at age 3 for 2 days a week.  I would take her through the car rider line and she did fairly well.  The teacher said some days she did not participate in all activities but attributed it to her age.  She went to the same school for 4 year olds.  The first day she did fine but after that she did not want to go.  It was a 4 day program and each morning was a struggle to get her to go.  Her teacher said she was very quiet and getting her to participate was at times a lot of effort.  At home, she's a chatter box and very outgoing.  Whenever we go to the park or somewhere where's there's kids her age, she's always social and outgoing.  After a while, she would not get out of the car to go in and I resorted to taking her in.  This seemed to make a big difference.  After that, her teacher said she really blossomed and was participating and doing her work.  She stopped crying about going to school and went willingly.  I figured it was the comotion of going in and passing other kids who were crying or making a lot of noise that was scaring her.

Now she has started Kindergarten and at first she really did not want to go.  Her brother is in the 3rd grade at the same school and she ended up getting the same teacher.  He was 5 years and 9 months when he started Kindergarten but did not go to preschool.  The first day she went in with her brother.  The second day, they had to carry her in crying.  The teacher said she did fine once she calmed down.  The 3rd day, I took her in and she was sad but did go on into the room.  The 4th day  she did a little better.  When I would pick her up, she seemed fine.  After the 4th day, I got a call from her teacher wanting to discuss my daughter.  She said she was academically up to speed but she felt she wasn't really ready for a full day of Kindergarten.  She said my daughter just didn't seem to be keeping up with the activities and was not finishing her work and they were always having to coax her along to finish.  She said my daughter was always the last to finish and she felt she was concerned that she was not going to be able to keep up as the school year goes on and would not be ready for 1st Grade.  She said if it were her daughter she would pull her out and give her another year.  She also said she thought part of it was that there were just so many kids in the class and that was distracting her too.  My daughter can stay with a task if she is interested.   She will sit and paint and color or play for long periods of time.  But, we live in a fairly quiet household and there's not a lot of distractions.

I thought she seemed to be adjusting a little every day.  I told the teacher this and that she wasn't crying about going anymore.  The teacher was glad to hear that.  My daughter said she likes art and gym and seems to be making some friends.  She told me the teacher wouldn't let her have quiet time because her work wasn't finished.  She was made to sit and finish her work and when she was done she went to get her matt but by then, quiet time was over.  She got upset when she told me about it.  I asked the teacher to just tell her she did a good job on the work she did complete and allow her to have quiet time with everyone else.  We agreed she would put her incomplete work in her folder and I'd help her finish at home.  We have done this one time now (she's been in school 12 days total) and although my daughter did not want to do the work, she did sit and complete it without complaint.  I put a gold star on her work and asked her the next day if her teacher saw her work.  She said yes.  Then I asked if her teacher told her she did a good job.  She said, "Well, not really."  

We do know that this teacher has one of the heaviest work loads in Kindergarten.  My son had her and he had a lot of home work compared to other kids in our neighborhood who had other Kindergarten teachers.  My husband thinks a change of teachers is in order and wants to meet with the priciple at the school.  I'm not sure what to do.  She says she doesn't like school but what kid does?  My son does very well at school but it's not his favorite thing either.  

I don't want to push her if she's not emotionally or physically ready for the demands of a full day of Kindergarten.  I ask her why she doesn't like school and she keeps saying it's too long and it takes too long to do the work.  They start at 7:50 and go until 2:22 P.M.  

I don't want to wait too long before we decide what to do.  I'm concerned that if we do switch teachers and have the same results this will only confuse her.  How can I tell if this is just normal for her age or if she's really too young for a full day?  If she doesn't go to Kindergarten, where do you send them?  Or should I search for a Kindergarten that has a shorter day?  

[RockRose]

Your post takes an incrdible amount of time to read.    Pare it down to  a reasonable length and  you might get more responses.  

[Trialanderror]

All these aspects of when your daughter did well and when not are a bit too overwhelming to give any sound advice. However, between all this I can read that your daughter needs a lot of quiet time and there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone likes to socialize and follow a tight schedule at age 5. Before you start changing hours or switching teachers or schools try something that worked before: take her inside. My son is 5 as well and you can not believe what a difference it makes in his day when I see his world every day for a minute, chat with his teachers and class mates, give him a hug, talk about pick-up time or what we will do at night. Also it gives me a chance to quickly sense or see what is going on in the classroom that day. You can feel if there is tension brewing, so I just give him an extra hug or assurance and he is more or less fine. If this doesn`t make a difference you can always cut down the hours, Kindergarten is not mandatory as far as I am concerned. Talk to your daughter and find out her stress factors first. .

[April2]

Where we live, most of our kindergartens are half days. The ones that are full days, you have to pay for. It's a thought to look into either a half day program or if you can afford it, how about a private kindergarten where the class size would be smaller? Also, something to consider, you can try homeschooling her just for kindergarten. Before that overwhelms you too much, I have several friends who homeschool and there's so much more support and programs out there now that can help you. And kindergarten would be easy. It wouldn't be like you're trying homeschooling for the first time when she's in middle school or something. Look it up online and see if it's something that would interest you. The Abeka program is good. You get workbooks and a teachers guide, etc. and they teach phonics and basic math. You can choose what courses you want to teach. You just have to let your school district know you are homeschooling and they would ask you to keep track of your hours. That's pretty much it! It's just a thought. I imagine with time and maturity she will adjust to a school setting. Best wishes.

[jd1419]

Does your school offer Pre-K--it may help her adjust to the school and be emotionally ready to participate in the Kindergarten next year.  If she is not able to be on task now--she may not be able to keep up in the later on years as they pile more work on the kids...my cousin had this when she was young her birthday is sept 1 and she just was not able to keep up with the class even though she knew the stuff needed to be in Kindergarten--my aunt took her out and put her in the next class--she was more ready and made great friends and I think it made her more comfortable for life.

[bc2628]

I am  dealing with the exact samething with my daughter only she is going to be turning 6 in novemeber, so she is on the older end.  I do not want to hold her back another year for kindergarten.  She has gone to the  same  preschool since she was 3 and every year she started out great and then she would get to where she did not want to go in the morning and would cry if I dropped her off. The teachers said she would cry for a few minutes and then she was fine.  The last year of preschool she did great until christmas vacation and then after it was the samething.  She had her first day of kindergarten Mon(today is tues) and she said she did not like it and is not going back.  She doesn't have to go back until next Tues, the first week they bring 5 kids each day to get used to everything.  So you are not the only one struggling with this.  I'm not sure what to do I guess I will see how next week goes and to hear from the teacher how she is doing in the class. If you come up with something that works let me know. Thanks bc2628

[jcs1]

Well, Monday didn't go well for a few reasons.  They moved 3 of her classmates to a new teacher because they created another Kindergarten class due to large class sizes.  Those 3 kids happened to be the 3 she was starting to talk about and make friends with.  Then, they didn't get "quiet time" to rest because they had a fire drill which was really loud and that scared her.  I think it took her a while to understand what the fire drill was and that there wasn't really a fire even though it had been explained to her.  I spoke to her teacher Monday night and she said she was still kind of behind but she would work with her.  Today, my husband went in to speak with the teacher and pricipal about possibly switching teachers since we know this one gives much more homework than the other K teachers.  That starts after Christmas.  My daughters teacher explained she is trying to prepare them for life and to do well in 1st Grade.  The pricipal is willing to allow us to change teachers if that's what we want so now we have to decide if that would be the best thing to do.  She seems to be adjusting but we know what's coming down the road as far as work load goes and wonder if it would be better to switch teachers or keep her where she's at so she won't have to go through another adjustement.  I never knew Kindergarten could be so complicated....

[waitingwithhope]

I would not switch her or hold her back...I would keep her where she is and wait it out because your daughter seems to be adjusting more and more each day. She is a social butterfly in situations she is comfortable with, so this will come in time at school. It is probably just a little overwhelming for her and she just needs time.
If you find that the teacher is not supportive and you have done all you can in speaking with her and you have actually been in the class and watched really what is going on and you have concerns about the teacher's homework level (kindergarten should be VERY minimal--maybe five minutes if that!) and the principal seems supportive (which is sounds like) you could switch her into another class. Chances are, though, this might cause her to regress and have to readjust all over again.
I would talk up school as much as possible and ask the teacher if she can bring in something for show and tell.
Some teachers, even in kindergarten, have this idea that kids are mini adults or that they should be doing a lot of work. The idea of kindergarten is for students to learn routines, learn how to navigate their environment without their parents and develop social play--this is the most important. And, beyond that, it is to allow children to LOVE and enjoy school so that it is a positive experience.
I would ask your daughter's teacher "what can I be doing to make this a positive experience for ALL of us?" The teacher may end up being less defensive and more co-operative if she thinks it is a group effort.
Holding your daughter back or switching classes won't probably help the matter--it might make her realize that there might be a problem there to begin with. I would instead ask your daughter's teacher for less work for her--maybe instead of completing five questions, she lets your daughter complete two. Let her see success and reward her (as you do) and make sure that the teacher is very aware that positive praise and encouragement would work well for your daughter.
I would see what happens within the next few months.
And, it is very normal for kids to have a tough time getting back to school after any break--they are not used to the school routine yet and they really do enjoy being home.
Create "excitement" around school--buy a new pencil or buy her an outfit she loves, etc. and make it into an exciting adventure. If you are excited about it, she knows it. If you are not, she will feel it and somehow feel responsible or pressured to feel a different way.
And, read to her like crazy. Buy her books or get some from the library about transitions, classrooms, teachers, etc. The more you can read to her and the more you read to her about ideas and feelings she is experiencing, the better off she will be.
I hope this helps, I have taught kindergarten before and I like to see the kids smiling and having fun because kids learn better if they attach a positive emotion to the learning.

[jcs1]

Thanks to you and everyone else who has responded to my situation with my daughter.  We did decide to keep her where she is and not make any changes.  My insticts were to do exactly what you said to do.  Not make her go through another adjustment.  I also felt she just needs time to get used to the routine and to learn what is expected of her, on her own, each day.  Your comments really helped validate what I was feeling and that helps A LOT!  Her teacher seems willing to work with us and Samantha so, hopefully, together we can make Kindergarten a good experience for everyone.  I will take your advice and try to create some more excitement about school.  We read every night before we go to bed and Library is one of her favorite times at school.  She still says she doesn't want to go and that some things are hard to do (like cutting with scissors)  but doesn't make a big fuss and usually goes without much resistance.  I'm sure she will have her days when she really has a hard time going but we'll just take it one day at a time.
Thanks again for all the comments....they were all very helpful and I hope reading about our situation has helped someone else out there too.

[Cleveland Mom]

I agree with your decision, to keep her in Kindergarten. She sounds academically ready and socially ready, she belongs in Kindergarten.  Its very positive to hear that she is continuing to adjust to the routine of school.  Entering school is can be very stressful for young children and they do need time to adjust.  This is quite normal.   Best wishes to you and your daughter!

[pixijal]

This is a personal choice.  MY daughter started a few weeks ago, and is almost 6.  She is doing very well, but does complain that it is TOO long of a day for her.  I put her to bed at 6:30 on school nights, and she is getting a full 12 hours of sleep every night.   She is most likely the youngest in her class, and probably just made the cut off by ONE day.  

It is really a personal choice.  If the teacher is not compassionate and caring, I would not be able to leave my child there for 8 hrs a day.  If you put her in a PRE K program, she can have the ADVANTAGE of being the oldest in her class, and this just might be your answer.  

[laura1977]

Heres an idea.  I also have a 5 year old little girl that started kindergarten this year.  I also had her in preschool since she was 3.  Last year in preschool she all of a sudden didn't want to go anymore and complained about going.  Well, something didn't seem right because she is the type of kid that loves going.  I found out first hand why she didn't want to go anymore.  I showed up at the preschool about 40 minutes early and stood in the hallway to listen in on class discussion without her or her teacher knowing I was there.  Turns out that her teacher had two sides, the nice side in front of the parents, and then the side when parents left where she was yelling most of the time at the kids.  Turns out a few parents had complained about this teacher.  I'm not saying that this is always the case, but there are teachers out there that have no business being teachers, and kids that are being mistreated at school may act like they don't want to go when normally they are very outgoing.