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203342 tn?1328737207

Koukla29 - your opinion please

Hello! I noticed on another post that you have a lot of training and experience with children, even teenagers. I was wondering if you could give me your thoughts or insight on something?
You may have seen my story on a few other posts, so I'll briefly go over it again. I have a teenager daughter (just turned 15) who has really struggled this last year. Really she started to have a hard time in middle school (with bullying, etc.) but it was this last year when she started 9th grade that I saw a huge change. She was still with the same kids pretty much since middle school, and I've been stunned at the behavior of these kids. Most of them have been just so mean to each other. They are two-faced, backstabing and very shallow. They only seem to care about boys, clothes, and making each other look important by tearing others down. My daughter has been hurt deeply by her peers. I know that a lot of kids can laugh this stuff off, but she takes everything to heart and believes it, so when they laugh at her and say she's stupid, she's fat (she's not by the way, she's actually a very pretty girl but she doesn't believe me when I tel her that) and that she'll never get a guy, that no guy would want to go out with her, it's like a knife going into her heart (as a matter of fact, I've found several drawings of hers; she's quite talented with drawing; that depicted a heart with thorns, or knives, etc. in it, or a broken heart. She's been pretty graphic in her drawings, so it's been like a window into her soul). Her self-esteem has plummeted. She began cutting herself this year, some cuts are pretty bad and will leave lasting scars. I'm just heartbroken. I don't understand any of this. Have you heard of or dealt with teenagers who are cutters? It's so hard for me to understand. She seems to have a high pain tolerance and says it didn't hurt, which I totally don't get! What kind of mind frame could she have been in when she did these things? That's what scares me. She actually has been doing much better. We've had her in counseling now about 9 months. But what worries me is she seems to have really hardened herself. She sometimes act like those other kids and says mean things to us or her brother. When I make her apologize, she'll say she was just kidding. She is very quiet for the most part and stays a lot in her room. She doesn't open up much. If I hadn't found those drawings, I would never have known how deeply she felt about things. Trying to get her to talk is like pulling teeth. She also says she was molested by some boys when she was younger and at least one girl. She is now confused about her sexuality and thinks she might be gay or bisexual, which is hard for us. We are a Christian family and she knows how we feel about that. Besides, I think this confusion really stems from the abuse she incurred not really a choice she is making. I think she's just very confused right now and doesn't even know who she really is. She dresses in baggy clothes to hide her figure and cut all her hair off. I think she's deliberately trying to not attract guys. She started doing this after she broke up with a boy who was very bad for her. He was way too intense and controlling over her and managed to talk her into something she immediately regretted this last winter. She was a virgin and only 14! He was almost 17 and planned this because he had protection. We tried to keep these kids apart. We thought we were doing a pretty good job of monitering them but they still snuck out to see each other, we found out. Do you see how all of this has really messed her up?
I'm worried and wondering what you think. Will she ever be my little girl again? I can't even watch old movies with her in it as a little girl because she looked like such a normal, happy little girl. It's too hard for me to watch. She's changed so much this last year. Do you think she'll ever soften her heart enough to let others close to her again? She has put up such a wall. The only time she ever seems to show any interest or love to is her to her little three year old brother. She plays with him and lets him give kisses and hugs, but when I try to hug her, she shrugs me off or stiffens. It makes me so sad. This has been such a hard year for me. Do you think she'll come back around again? Or has she been too damaged? I wish with all my heart I could have somehow protected her. We are putting her into a new school next year so she won't be around the same kids. I hope this will be a good thing for her, a new beginning. She's so young to be so cynical though. I'm afraid she will think all guys are bad or only after one thing and won't give anyone else a chance. I'm also afraid that with the scars she has (from cutting) that people will see that and judge her and not give her a chance to prove what a sweet girl she can be. She feels things so deeply. She is not like a lot of these shallow girls she goes to school with.
Do you have any suggestions other than what we've already done (like the counseling) to help her heal from all of this? Have you ever dealt with other teens in simular situations? We take her to church every week and even though she likes the youth group, she still stays pretty guarded. She believes but has a lot of questions, like why did God let all these things happen to her? And where was God during all of this? I keep hoping she will find God so that she can experience a real peace and joy again. But of course that's something she has to do on her own. I can't force it on her.
Sorry this is so long. I was just wondering what your thoughts are on all of this and if you think she'll be ok again? She used to be so friendly and outgoing. Has all this that has happened to her changed her forever? I feel so sad for her. I just want my little girl back. I miss her. I don't even know who she is anymore. She's like a stranger. And she won't let us get too close! How do I help her to see how much her family loves her and that we really do want what's best for her? And how do I protect her without being too overprotective and smoothering her? I would appreciate any of your thoughts on this. Thank you!
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203342 tn?1328737207
Thank you Koukla! You've been very kind to write back. I will ask our counselor about the girls self-esteem group thing. I think that's a good idea. He does meet with us all. He's been a lot of help and he really seems to care about her and our family. He's shown her coping techniques. I think she's getting better.I was actually thinking about cutting back on the counseling sessions. She only cut herself once last month and she hadn't done it for awhile before then. This last trigger was her supposed best friend told her that her exboyfriend had asked her friend out first before he'd asked her out. So she felt like she was second best. I don't know what this girl was thinking telling her this after so long. I think this girl has a low self-esteem too. She's been acting better this last month or so, but I still don't think she tells me everything. She only seems to let her guard down with her little brother. She's so good with little kids. That's what makes me sad. If parents saw her scars, they may not be willing to let her babysit their kids, and yet she's more responsible and good with little kids than most of her friends. She's been a huge help to me with our little one since he was born.
I just worry. I worry because I'm afraid she just opened herself up to even more judgement by the scars she now has. She has a really bad one that she keeps covered up and is a little self-conscious about, but now she can't wear a lot of the cute tops, etc. I guess I just want her to be accepted too. It's so hard for me because she doesn't let me hug her, etc.
You're right about the bounderies too. Because of all that's happened, we were walking on eggshells with her, afraid to upset her, etc., and we let her get by with stuff we never did with our son. She told a friend of mine that I was just trying to buy her love. I was stunned. I knew what she was talking about. I had taken her to the mall that week and let her buy some clothes, and took her out to lunch, etc. I was trying to bond with her and thought we had a good time. I feel like I can't win with her sometimes! Nothing I do seems right. But I will keep trying! I do love her. I just want to make sure she's going to be ok. She will graduate in three years, so I feel like I have three years to reach her. Of course, she claims she's moving out when she's 18! I hope not. My almost 19 year old son still lives at home and I love having him around.
One thing that surprised me was I was trying to find some type of support group for parents of teens who cut and couldn't find one!
Thank you for your prayers. Please pray that she can receive that healing she so desperately needs and can open up and trust and love again. One thing I find encouraging is she seems to be able to display that with her little brother. I guess because he's so little, he's not a threat to her. I hope they can always be close. I pray that she can find some great new friends who will love and accept her and that someday she will find a special man who will be good to her.
Thanks again for writing back. God bless.
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212795 tn?1194952574
I believe your daughter when she says she does not feel the pain when she cuts.  Because the pain is a sweet release for her.  Cutters cut themselves because they cannot cope with the feelings, and do not have a way to release the pain they feel, so when they cut themselves physically, it emotionally helps release the pain.  This is why it is so addictive for them - they have finally found a way to "cope" with the pain.  Unfortunately, it is dangerous and NOT a coping skill.  I hope that her counselor is really working on building her coping skills in positive ways.  I think if she/he has not shared their strategy of working with your daughter, please ask them to explain it to you.  Ask for a private appointment and express your concerns for her, ask how your daughter's therapy is going, and ask what can you do at home to work with her.  It would be nice if her counselor also did family counseling, or could reccomend a family counselor for your family - as your daughter's distress affects the entire family.

Listening to your story about your daughter, I have a feeling she is not telling you everything.  You are finding things out after the fact, which is typical of a teenager.  She sounds as though she has been outcasted by those teens she went to school with for so long, and I can completely understand why it affects her: all she wants at her age is to belong, and it sounds to me she has a history of being treated poorly by her peers.  She knows that you love her, but it is normal fo her to pull away from you right now because she isn't a little girl - she is a teenager who developmentally is trying to figure out who she is, she is trying to be independant even though she isn't independant.  She is experiencing adult situations and she doesn't know how to handle all of this.  The best thing you can do for her is set boundaries, let her know you love her, and continue being the parent you are: concerned and loving.  She needs to walk on her own (within a limit) yet needs to know you are right behind her incase she falls.  

Because she was molested in the past and abused by a boyfriend she may be untrusting of boys right now, and maybe girls feel safer.  I would reccomend you try not to make this an emphasis as she is very young and sounds too hurt to really know what she feels right now.  It could be a phase.  I think she could benefit from a teenage girls self esteem group.  This is a very common therapeutic group, and her counselor might know of one your daughter can join.  This would help her build up her self-esteem and also give her social outlet where she can relate to girls her own age who are experiencing similar issues.  In addition, I think it is good she will be attending a new school.  This could be framed as an opportunity to start from scratch with new people, new teachers, new everything.  Encourage her to join a group or sport at school - anything she wants.  

In addition, something that struck me as EXTREMELY POSITIVE in your post was that your daughter loves to draw.  This is great - this is a strength!  Buy her paper and let her draw, draw, draw!!!!  Drawing is very therapeutic and it allows her to get those emotions out - even the hurt ones - don't be afraid if her drawing is painful.  Your daughter has difficulty expressing emotions, drawing it out is the way she expresses herself.  Buy her oil pastels, pencils, whatever - this is excellent and inexpensive.  Encourage her to draw, and ask her to share them with her counselor.  I think the thorns in the heart is so symbolic of how she feels, and if I were her counselor we would spend a lot of time on her drawings.  You said she is very creative - she may want to take art classes in school or join the art club.  

I think you feel very guilty about your daughter and are looking at the past with regret.  You are wondering if you will get your little girl back, and truthfully, I don't think your little girl ever left - she is right there in front of you, and she is hurting.  I think you are doing everything you can do in your power to help her, and she just needs some time to adjust and deal with her pain.  I don't think it's a bad idea for you to have a counselor right now that you can talk to as well.  you have been through a lot, and it sounds to me like there is a lot of love in your family.  I believe your Christian beliefs will only strengthen that love and keep god in your home during this difficult time.  I love the Footprints poem.  I think it should be placed on your fridge right now:)  Take care April and keep me posted.  I will keep your family in my prayers.
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