Thank you Koukla! You've been very kind to write back. I will ask our counselor about the girls self-esteem group thing. I think that's a good idea. He does meet with us all. He's been a lot of help and he really seems to care about her and our family. He's shown her coping techniques. I think she's getting better.I was actually thinking about cutting back on the counseling sessions. She only cut herself once last month and she hadn't done it for awhile before then. This last trigger was her supposed best friend told her that her exboyfriend had asked her friend out first before he'd asked her out. So she felt like she was second best. I don't know what this girl was thinking telling her this after so long. I think this girl has a low self-esteem too. She's been acting better this last month or so, but I still don't think she tells me everything. She only seems to let her guard down with her little brother. She's so good with little kids. That's what makes me sad. If parents saw her scars, they may not be willing to let her babysit their kids, and yet she's more responsible and good with little kids than most of her friends. She's been a huge help to me with our little one since he was born.
I just worry. I worry because I'm afraid she just opened herself up to even more judgement by the scars she now has. She has a really bad one that she keeps covered up and is a little self-conscious about, but now she can't wear a lot of the cute tops, etc. I guess I just want her to be accepted too. It's so hard for me because she doesn't let me hug her, etc.
You're right about the bounderies too. Because of all that's happened, we were walking on eggshells with her, afraid to upset her, etc., and we let her get by with stuff we never did with our son. She told a friend of mine that I was just trying to buy her love. I was stunned. I knew what she was talking about. I had taken her to the mall that week and let her buy some clothes, and took her out to lunch, etc. I was trying to bond with her and thought we had a good time. I feel like I can't win with her sometimes! Nothing I do seems right. But I will keep trying! I do love her. I just want to make sure she's going to be ok. She will graduate in three years, so I feel like I have three years to reach her. Of course, she claims she's moving out when she's 18! I hope not. My almost 19 year old son still lives at home and I love having him around.
One thing that surprised me was I was trying to find some type of support group for parents of teens who cut and couldn't find one!
Thank you for your prayers. Please pray that she can receive that healing she so desperately needs and can open up and trust and love again. One thing I find encouraging is she seems to be able to display that with her little brother. I guess because he's so little, he's not a threat to her. I hope they can always be close. I pray that she can find some great new friends who will love and accept her and that someday she will find a special man who will be good to her.
Thanks again for writing back. God bless.
I believe your daughter when she says she does not feel the pain when she cuts. Because the pain is a sweet release for her. Cutters cut themselves because they cannot cope with the feelings, and do not have a way to release the pain they feel, so when they cut themselves physically, it emotionally helps release the pain. This is why it is so addictive for them - they have finally found a way to "cope" with the pain. Unfortunately, it is dangerous and NOT a coping skill. I hope that her counselor is really working on building her coping skills in positive ways. I think if she/he has not shared their strategy of working with your daughter, please ask them to explain it to you. Ask for a private appointment and express your concerns for her, ask how your daughter's therapy is going, and ask what can you do at home to work with her. It would be nice if her counselor also did family counseling, or could reccomend a family counselor for your family - as your daughter's distress affects the entire family.
Listening to your story about your daughter, I have a feeling she is not telling you everything. You are finding things out after the fact, which is typical of a teenager. She sounds as though she has been outcasted by those teens she went to school with for so long, and I can completely understand why it affects her: all she wants at her age is to belong, and it sounds to me she has a history of being treated poorly by her peers. She knows that you love her, but it is normal fo her to pull away from you right now because she isn't a little girl - she is a teenager who developmentally is trying to figure out who she is, she is trying to be independant even though she isn't independant. She is experiencing adult situations and she doesn't know how to handle all of this. The best thing you can do for her is set boundaries, let her know you love her, and continue being the parent you are: concerned and loving. She needs to walk on her own (within a limit) yet needs to know you are right behind her incase she falls.
Because she was molested in the past and abused by a boyfriend she may be untrusting of boys right now, and maybe girls feel safer. I would reccomend you try not to make this an emphasis as she is very young and sounds too hurt to really know what she feels right now. It could be a phase. I think she could benefit from a teenage girls self esteem group. This is a very common therapeutic group, and her counselor might know of one your daughter can join. This would help her build up her self-esteem and also give her social outlet where she can relate to girls her own age who are experiencing similar issues. In addition, I think it is good she will be attending a new school. This could be framed as an opportunity to start from scratch with new people, new teachers, new everything. Encourage her to join a group or sport at school - anything she wants.
In addition, something that struck me as EXTREMELY POSITIVE in your post was that your daughter loves to draw. This is great - this is a strength! Buy her paper and let her draw, draw, draw!!!! Drawing is very therapeutic and it allows her to get those emotions out - even the hurt ones - don't be afraid if her drawing is painful. Your daughter has difficulty expressing emotions, drawing it out is the way she expresses herself. Buy her oil pastels, pencils, whatever - this is excellent and inexpensive. Encourage her to draw, and ask her to share them with her counselor. I think the thorns in the heart is so symbolic of how she feels, and if I were her counselor we would spend a lot of time on her drawings. You said she is very creative - she may want to take art classes in school or join the art club.
I think you feel very guilty about your daughter and are looking at the past with regret. You are wondering if you will get your little girl back, and truthfully, I don't think your little girl ever left - she is right there in front of you, and she is hurting. I think you are doing everything you can do in your power to help her, and she just needs some time to adjust and deal with her pain. I don't think it's a bad idea for you to have a counselor right now that you can talk to as well. you have been through a lot, and it sounds to me like there is a lot of love in your family. I believe your Christian beliefs will only strengthen that love and keep god in your home during this difficult time. I love the Footprints poem. I think it should be placed on your fridge right now:) Take care April and keep me posted. I will keep your family in my prayers.