Low Self Esteem

My 9 year old son doesn't see to care about anything, I have trouble getting him to focus on homework, chores, etc.  I can't seem to motivate him for anything, I've tried rewarding and punishing,
but I feel all I ever do is punish him.  He has a very low self esteem, I have had custody of him
since the age of 4, but I've had him since birth, his mother is not in the picture and rarely contacts him or sees him.  He is obsessed with guns and always drawing pictures of people shooting each other. (he tells me he wants to be a policeman and that is what policemen do)  I don't know how or
what to do to motivate him to do good in school, take care of himself (personal hygine) take care of
his possessions, It seems all he ever does is get in trouble.  He also still wets his bed everynight.
I work long hours in order to provide and I know I probably don't spend as much time with him as I
should, could this be a part of his acting out for attention, even though its negative attention? I know he is unhappy which makes me unhappy. How can I teach him self esteem and self worth to turn his behavior around?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is not so much a matter of teaching as it is a matter of emotional development/functioning. Your description indicates that your son is suffering from depression, and this invites immediate evaluation. Now, it is clear from your description that he has every reason to be depressed. As you can see, his behavior and demeanor are very different from what you would expect in a child his age. If you think that part of the problem is inadequate attention in his relationship with you, it's incumbent on you to do something to address that. Children do become depressed if they lack adequate nurturance and connection to their parent(s), and this may well be instrumental in your son's situation. In any case, arrange the evaluation asap; some situations can be managed effectively by parents at home, others cannot. This situation falls into the latter caregory.

[aim7407]

Hey I'm not a doc, but you might be right in your assumption that he's acting out because he's not getting the attention he needs from you as his Dad. Don't get me wrong, I know how hard it is, for a single parent, and you can't not go to work. But Any free second you have, needs to be spent with him right now. So , if you guys are couch potatoes, Get off the couch, take him outside and throw the ball with him. Do anything together, whether it be going camping, hunting, swimming. Try and get him interested in a team sport like baseball or soccer. If he likes guns, (I'd make sure he's psychologically okay, as kids obsessed with guns, can have some problems) but if he enjoys fire arms, like a lot of young boys do, teach him fire arm Safety and teach him to have a grave respect for how dangerous they are, and that anyone who uses one has to be careful and respectfull of human life. Perhaps hunting would be a good way to teach this, or target practice if you're not into hunting?  If you have the potential in your area, take him to a baseball game, or go for a bike ride. Anything and everything you can do to let him know he is number one in your life. Sounds like maybe he feels alone and a bit neglected. I am not blaming you in the least, because it must be hard being a single parent. But it's great that he's got a male role model in you, so make sure you're providing a good example. Take him out to get some lunch or dinner on the weekend, and really chat with him, find out what's going on at school. Everyday when I pick my 10 year old daughter up from school, I ask her how her day was, and sometimes she pours forth with information, and sometimes not. When she doesn't, I keep asking, or ask again later, and eventually , she has endless rhetoric for me about who did what, what teacher taught what, who got what grade on what exam, and so on. We talk, a lot, all the time.  Just keep trying to let him know he's loved, and if he won't open up, keep trying till he does! Good luck, and always remember he's  the most precious gift you have ever received.   Take care