Lying, Anger and Promiscuous

Our 14 yr old daughter has always had temper tantrums and told lies. We have discussed these problems with her as well as issueing punishments i.e. confiscating mobile phone or banning use of computer, grounding etc..  She can be dramatic and is attention seeking. She has also told me on a couple of occasions that sometimes she gets really depressed.
On the positive side she is pretty, outgoing, confident,funny, slim and seems to be quite popular. She talks to me about her friends/boyfriends, we go shopping together and sometimes cinema.  
Due to her compulsive lying I started to read her chat logs on a chatroom (MSN). I know this is intrusive but i do not trust her. I have recently found that she has promiscuous tendencies although i do not think she has had sexual intercourse yet. There is evidence on there that she has engaged in sexual activity at the start of 2 new relationships with boys and rumours have got round at school. We have talked to her about this before and she gives a convincing story that she does not agree with such behaviours and she is disgusted by other girls who have.However she jokes with her current boyfriend about what they have done outside a shop with people passing.  We are in despair that she does not listen to us, shows no remorse, frequently displays rudeness and disrespect. We  no longer know how to deal with it. Our immediate problem is how we deal with the current boyfriend knowing what we do although this will need to be resolved with future boyfriends.

[waitingwithhope]

The fact that your daughter has always had temper tantrums and lied in the past probably indicates that this behavior was "working for her"- in other words, she had an immediate or rewarding payoff in her mind. Her attention seeking behavior also is a signal that she is acting out because she is missing something in her life and usually it is a sign of insecurity, rather than the secure, popular side she shows her friends. Seeking out sexual relationships at a young age also indicates that she is really seeking love and she is deep down feeling lost. Children of this age are going through so many changes and need a ton of guidance-- they are starting new relationships, are going to high school where the pressures and influences are greater and they are also going through a phase where they normally want to detach from their parents and become their own person. What she needs is clear and consistent rules that you both agree upon. This has to be from both you and her father. Does her father play a vital role in her life? Often times daughters drift because they lack that connection with their father. Girls crave being accepted by their father and even if he is present, he might be distracted or busy with other things and not realize his daughter needs him desperately.
A few things to mention--if your daughter has been sexually active, it is very difficult to curb this behavior because she is getting something from doing this--attention and what she feels is love. You have to replace that feeling with something else for her and she needs to build up her self-confidence. Is there anything she is passionate about besides her phone and computer?
Next, don't try and be a buddy. It sounds like you are a good parent but perhaps she sees you like a buddy and less like a parent. She needs to see you as an authority figure (as well as your husband). You need to have a united front.
Allow her too to work towards rewards--if she loves shopping, then factor that into her rewards. Don't quickly give her things out of guilt that you are trying to win her over.
Be clear about rudeness and disrespect.
Most of all, you have to let her know that you realize she is hurting. She is trying to tell you this while keeping up appearances with her friends that she is cool and a great friend. Confident, well-adjusted teens do get hormonal from time to time and they do make dumb mistakes but, they also know how to deal with limits and respect their body. She needs to understand how to respect herself first before she can respect you. Deep down she may even hate herself or even think she is not beautiful even if that is not the case.
Your punishment should always "fit the crime", never be done in anger and be something you and her father and her have settled on in advance. Ultimately, she's only 14 and she's a child. Hard to remember when they are acting like they are older, but she really is just a child and she needs to obey your rules.
Teenagers crave boundaries--that is the way to show you care. Don't give up.

[fran0459]

thanks for your comments,think we need to seek a therapist. my daughter was read out a list of rules regarding no sexual activity if she is to date boys many months ago and told she would be monitored (chat logs). i talked to her about the dangers and getting a reputation. i told her if she broke those rules she would not be allowed to date boys. She regularly acuses me of being too strict and trying to control her life. She often appears happy and bubbly but can quickly change to anger and tantrums. My husband and I are a united front,he is always busy, but they often share a joke.  She is so complex and confusing to me - like jekyll and hyde.
I do agree with you though something is wrong here, we have had a difficult relationship, we are both strong willed - but i am the PARENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!