Lying out of convenience?

[my3girls]

We have an 11 yr old daughter who has just entered middle school. We understand that there will be a period of adjustment to new procedures and expectations of her. We rec'd a call from one of her teachers stating that she was doing c/d work and had a number of assignments missing. We asked her daily about her homework because she wasn't bringing much home and our understanding was that there would be daily assignments. She would tell us she was completing the work at school in study hall. That phone call was like a floodgate opening. In a follow-up call to her guidance councilor, we discovered that she had met with our daughter to discuss these issues on 3 separate occasions (would have enjoyed a heads up from school). In any case, we found out she's failing another class because her two large projects were not turned in. We've since set up more checks with the school including weekly progress reports in every class and hope this helps! I wish the lying were just limited to school. It's simple things like brushing her teeth, feeding her cat, her time that she ran the "Race for the Cure" in. I could go on and on. She has always craved attention, and we've given her a lot. We also have 5 yr old identical twin girls and try to split our attention as evenly as possible. When ever she has friends over, her friends seems drawn to the twins and though never vocalized by our oldest...I'm sure there is some jealousy. Is the lying a way to garner attention? It's getting so we have a hard time believing anything anymore and that's not a good feeling!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

I doubt the lying has much to do with craving attention, but of course I can only speculate about that. I often refer to what your daughter is going through as Middle School Adjustment Disorder - it very common in both boys and girls. And you are doing the absolute best thing - i.e., you are closing the loopholes so that she can be held accountable. Be sure she keeps an agenda/planning book, where she records all her assignments each day (transfer long-term assignments to a central calendar, so they don't get 'lost' in the agenda book). Also, check her homework each day to see that each assignment has been completed, and establish a uniform, standard consequence that you will implement on any occasion when she fails to be truthful.

[ErinF]

Middle School Adjustment Disorder?!?!  WHAT?!?!  It's being a teenager, it's no "disorder" at all.  What the doctor said was good advice and you're doing all you can, but can we please not be so quick to clinicalize everything?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Erin,

You apparently understood my 'diagnosis' to be a clinical one. I offered it tongue-in-cheek, as I often do to help parents see that this is a frequent response to a new experience.

[ErinF]

Then allow me to apologize.  I've heard some pretty "out there" diagnoses in the past, that I personally doubt the validity of it being an actual disorder, more putting a name to something that cannot be explained or adequately diagnosed, or naming something that is part of normal development as a disorder.  

A text based medium like this isn't always the easiest to pick up humor on, and I did not know you were joking.

Again, my apology for misinterpreting your answer.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Thanks for your reply. No need for apology; the intended humor was not actually very clear.

[vcmshelp]

I have benefited by reading it. Will try it for my son as well. Thanks.

[sarkon]

Would you please give an example of an acceptable consequence? I have a 12-year-old son that lies at the drop of a hat. He has pulled every weed in the 3 ac. lower pasture and he still lies just as much. I am not much on corporal punishment, but I am coming to my wits end.

[Ankie]

Well, for lying we used what we lovingly refer to as "the lying game". For a few days, we just acknowledge the lying but we don't "punish".

One evening we went out for dinner. Our 11 year old foster daughter (chronic lying problems!) said she wanted to eat salad bar. We lightly ordered her pizza and fries. When her food arrived she was furious and exclaimed that this is not what she asked for. Without sarcasm at all, I just told her that I know she said salad bar. But since she lies so very often, we thought that she lied when she said salad bar and decided that she probably meant she really wanted pizza and fries.

We were not conflicted about her lying, but she sure was! When at the store I would buy the blue shirt instead of the pink one. Instead of the requested ice cream for dessert she got a bowl of cereal. Because we coul not believe her when she said stuff....

Our foster daughter is very truthful now. She still refers to that technique as one she really hated but she tells me now that it really made her want to stop lying "because it makes sense now why it is bad".

I hope this helps...

Anna