Lying/stealing teen

[traumatized]

My fiance's 13 year old has been lying and stealing to me and from me. I have been dealing with this for almost 3 years. We have broke up because of it. She decided she didn't want to live here and stayed with her mother for the past 6 months. when she did this we informed her that she was not going to hop back and forth and she had made her choice to live with her mother who has no rules. She had not called or accepted any of her dad's attempts to contact her. I came home from work the other night and I was informed she was coming here for a week. I expressed that I did not trust her in the house. He became angry and would not discuss it. I came home the next night and there she was sleeping on the couch. I am a nurse andI work 12-16 hour shifts. I informed him that he would have to figure out another place for her to sleep while visiting so I would be able to relax after work since we had turned the small bedroom into a office. I wa told she would be staying here for a week with no discussion. I became angry and stated that she was not going to live here again due to the termoil she had caused previously and that she was given the choice and made it to live with her mother. She had not given any explanation why she had not visited or answered calls. She is not being held accountable for any of her actions by her father and now we are not getting along again. He has in the past two days rewarded her for her actions by taking her shopping for hunting clothes and other things. I don't know what to do. I love him very much. but I can't live with her lying, stealing and when she is asked why she does these things the only answer we get it "I don't know", as a matter of fact that is the only answer we get for every question. Please help!!!

[Diva2317]

It is your house too and therefore you do have a right to lay some ground rules. I don't know if it's exactly fair to ground her from your life permanently, but she shouldn't live there without any rules. Remember this is your fiance's daughter, flesh and blood. He watched her grow up and loves her a lot. It would probably be very hard for him to never see her again. Don't make him choose between you and his daughter, but make sure she doesn't steal from you.

[specialmom]

I thought you said you broke up because of this. . . that sounds like the best solution.  This will be a source of constant conflict between you and her dad for the rest of your relationship.  Even if you are successful in extricating her from your life (which if you live with him would mean his too)----  he will always resent you.  The deal is, if you are involved with a man with children-----  the whole picture has to be taken into account before you marry.  His whole picture is he has a daughter that you think steals from you and you don't want around.  Relationship won't work, sorry.  Just my opinion.

[Sandman2]

  Typically people punish their children and move on.  If the child messes up, they do it again.  You seem unwilling to move on.  She was lying and stealing from you from the ages 9 to 12 or 10 to 13.  ya that happens and you deal with it. " don't know is a fairly common answer for that age group.   People do grow up.  
   It is unfortunate that she showed up unannounced.  There is something going on that your fiance hasn't told you.  With the proper notification, things could have been set up to have dealt with this in a much smoother manner.  Ground rules laid down, schedules set up, etc.  And this was something that could have been dealt with.  
  I would say that now the problem is not necessarily with the daughter, but the communication between you and your fiance.  Either he was scared to tell you, or he got the info the last minute or ?  Either way - you talk about it and grow from it - or the outcome will be like specialmom suggests.