Lying

My 16yr old son is ADHD and takes a small does of Ritalin in the AM before school. He doesn't like the way a "normal" dose makes him feel so we compromised. Our problem is that he lies ALOT. We have taken him to a phychotherapist who says he is a great kid with a flaw. After 6-8 visits he said he didn't need to see him anymore. He said we should set guidelines and punishments up front and let our son know that we will follow up on every story that he tells us. He does so so in school but when he has a bad report he tells us it was an error. We tell him we will call school and find out if that is true. He has actually let us go all the way to the teacher/counselor and then when faced head on he will admit to the lie. We have taken away practically every privledge that he has and have told him he could earn them back with honesty. This goes well for awhile, he earns some things back and then it happens again! Yesterday the same thing happened. He had a bad progress report in a class. He said it was an error and it would be corrected. I called school but couldn't get the teacher. Then he comes home with a note written by the "teacher" letting us know that he actually has a B in that class and the report was typed incorrectly. Well to make a long story short...he had a friend write the note, we could tell it wasn't from the teacher. We gave him many opportunities to come clean and finally at the end of the evening he admitted the truth to us!! We again told him that the grade problem could have been taken care of without lying about it. The lie compounded the problem. Now (AGAIN) we have no trust which we told him is so important to a persons character. We feel that since we can't trust him that we can't let him out of our sight because we just don't know if whatever he says he is going to be doing is the truth! I'm tempted not to punish him this time because he did come clean which is a shart.....but past history tells me it will probably happen again. I'm sooo lost. I love my son and he is a good kid, likeable, polite, He just has this awful character flaw that will someday get him into much trouble.
We've tried changing dosages and we've tried Adderal which he didn't like. We've talked to his doctor, a therapist, we've taken privledges away. We won't let him get his learners permit because we can't trust him to be responsible with a vehicle. We though that would have an impact on his behavior but I guess not. I don't know what else to do.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Chris,

There are different types of lying. The most frequent type is intended to ward off trouble or negative consequences. It sounds like this is the type that your son displays around school-related matters. Without doubt, two sensible responses are to follow up on accounts and thereby close loopholes, and continue to set clear limits and follow up violations with reasonable consequences. Withdrawal of all privileges is not necessary, unless there's been some particularly egregious violation.

Now, mental health intervention might be useful from the vantage point of determining the underlying rationale, if you will, for your son's lying (in addition to not getting into trouble). Is he worried about displeasing you; is he fearful of not meeting what he perceives to be your expectations; is he perfectionistic in some regards; etc.? These are all things that could be explored in order to determine why your son seems to perceive it is in his vested interest to lie.

[Babs]

When I read your post I had to smile- I am the parent of a teenager too. They can be very difficult and vexing, even the best of them! I see your son's situation as one dealing more with how he handles responsiblity rather than merely honesty. Does he have things that he has to do besides maintain his grades? Is he in sports, or have a job or even do household chores? If so, how does he handle those things? Most of us can look back on our teenage years and remember how we "goofed up" in one way or another yet most of us become productive adults. It sounds like you are a very good parent. I think if you just keep after him like you are and make him accept the consequences of his actions you are doing the right thing. And I wouldn't give him his permit until he could prove he had earned your trust.