Lying

I have a 15 yr. old step daughter who is lying to her Dad about boys.  She is extremely different when she is with us than and Mom.  What can we do?  We have tried to communicate with her Mom but she does not respond.  She has boyfriends that we had no idea about.  Her Mom blames us because she is afraid.  We will accept lying.?  hat can we do?  She is avoiding us right now.  -Mary

[April2]

Kids usually lie because they know you won't approve or they don't want to get into trouble. If she has good communication with you and can learn to trust you, she'll be less likely to lie. You should sit down with her and her dad and both of you go over your house rules with her. Ask her for her opinion on them too. Ask what she thinks. She's at an age where she should be able to have some say so on things. If you don't want her to have one on one dating yet, then compromise and tell her that she can go out with groups of kids to the mall, the movies, etc. And that she can date one on one at 16 or whatever your rules are. I imagine she'll be driving in another year so you do have to start to give her little bits of freedom at a time. Within a few years she'll be out of the house and you want to make sure that she's ready and responsible when that happens. Give her a cell phone (if she doesn't have one yet) and praise her when she calls to tell you she'll be late or to let you know where she is, etc. Praise her and reward her when she tells the truth and remind her that her priviledges will be taken away when she lies to you. Remind her that trust is earned and if she blows your trust in her then you will have to pull in the reigns but if she shows she's trustworthy, then she gets to do more things. The most important thing here is to keep open communication with her. She won't feel she has to lie or hide things if she knows she can come and talk to you about anything. And you want her to feel that she can. Kids do want to please their parents and they do want a good relationship with their parents. Learn to do a little give and take. If everything is too rigid, she'll rebel. But you can't be to lenient either or she'll walk all over you. It's a fine balance. Just keep talking to her everyday. That's the most imortant thing. I wish you the best. It's not easy parenting a teen! God bless.