MY step Daughter

I've been married for 4 months and my husband has 3 very well behaved polite girls aged 9, 7, and 3. We have the girls every Friday Saturday and Sunday, for a while this stoped due to issues with the girls mother but restarted 2 weekends ago, from the day contact restarted my husbands 7 year old has been very weepy crying at the smallist thing like when she has to go to bed and me saying she can not play with her toys as it was to late. I responded the weekend after when she started to do it again by telling her that when she comes to stay there are rules and that there is no reason to cry, this i said very cailmly because i do not like to raise my vioce as they are only young. Every day she has been here she has said that its better at her mums and she doesn't want to stay here and wants to go home so we have took her back which she is very happy to do. She has also said that if i had a baby she wouldn't come anymore, which is very upsetting as me and my husband have now decided to put off having children for another year. We are also worried about the fact that she is becoming violant with her sisters, other children if she knows them or not, our family pet dog and me, i have told her this is not acceptable but she just laughs and runs away. We have asked her mum who has a proplem with me and my husbands relationship from day one as there is a 14 year age gap and she said that she has never said anything like this to her. which has got me thinking that her mother is getting her to say these things, but i am a bit unsure. We don't know what to do as soon as we tell her no she calls her mum and goes home. is this normal?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It's clear that your daughter has suffered from the turmoil in the family. All you can do is provide the best parenting you can while she is with you, ignoring any comments that have to do with one household vs the other. You are making a mistake by taking her back to her mother's house. At her age it should be expected that she stay with you for the allotted time, no exceptions. Set reasonable limits and follow through on them. A seven-year-old does not decide where she will live, and by deferring to her you are de facto allowing her to make such a decision. It would be very wise for her to be in therapy so she can receive some support in this very difficult family situation.

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A related discussion, how do i feel normal when my stepdaughter whom i love very much cuddles and kisses her dad regularly was started.