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Marriage to woman w/ Bipolor Child
I want to marry a gal that has a son that has been diagnosed with Bipolor Disorder. I am just learning about this disorder and the long term ramifications are frightening.
The child is generally well behaved at school and with other adults but when he is with his mom, his outburst and behavior changes dramatically. I think that she coddles him far to much and he plays her like a fiddle.
I asked her to marry me last year and moved her and her children into my home. Home used to be a sanctuary, but now it is dreaded place. I feel that I have little or no peace and that I have no control over my environment.
As a man, I feel that when a man takes a wife (and kids), he must make them the most important thing in his life. Marrying a woman with a child with this kind of disorder requires a superhuman commitment, yet I do not feel as though her commitment is to the marriage as much as her sons special needs.
I am going to try to find support groups but if anyone has any useful sugguestions, I am listening.
The child is generally well behaved at school and with other adults but when he is with his mom, his outburst and behavior changes dramatically. I think that she coddles him far to much and he plays her like a fiddle.
I asked her to marry me last year and moved her and her children into my home. Home used to be a sanctuary, but now it is dreaded place. I feel that I have little or no peace and that I have no control over my environment.
As a man, I feel that when a man takes a wife (and kids), he must make them the most important thing in his life. Marrying a woman with a child with this kind of disorder requires a superhuman commitment, yet I do not feel as though her commitment is to the marriage as much as her sons special needs.
I am going to try to find support groups but if anyone has any useful sugguestions, I am listening.
I respect that you probably have seen a lot of chldren suffer from these type of mixed situations, but don't you think it is largely to do with the adults being childish, rather than it does with the situation in and of itself?
My 9 yr old was (finally) diagnosed with pediatric bipolar, and then adhd. I knew sometnig was not right when he was around 2. He had night terrors, he played with his feces, he was cruel to animals, and he had a terrible facination with fire. He almost killed himself and his younger brother when he set the playpen on fire, with them in it!! We went through hell trying to figure out what was wrong with this child!! When we first took him to the dr, he put him on medication for adhd. Then he jabbed a pencil down his brothers throat (he was maybe in 1st grade by this point). I took him to a crisis evaluation at MHMR. The dr there told me if he was on medication for adhd, and it was not working, then you might wanna second guess the diagnosis. My son now takes Risperdal and Concerta. Bipolar in children is still being researched. Some say that adhd medication (concerta is for adhd) makes symptoms in children worse. In my son, it seems to help. But only with the combo of the other med. And we have had to adjust his medicaiton several times. Some people go through many diagnosises and many medicaitons, before finding something that works, if they ever do! I know my son has bipolar, but I also tell him that he knows right from wrong. I try to teach him to control his actions. Sometimes he does well on this, sometimes not!! When he gets "out of control" or extremely angry, you CAN NOT reason with him. Sometimes it helps to just send him to his room untill he calms down (although when he gets to his room, he starts throwing things, and punching things, and screaming). We just let him teeter out. We totally ignore him. This is NOT always easy, but it usually works. Anyhow, just understand this is not easy. A mental diagnosis is NOT scientific fact. One dr may diagnose bipolar, another may diagnose adhd, and another may diagnosis oppositional defiant disorder. Because diagnosis is based simply on what the dr is told. But a good dr will also get input from the childs teachers, other family members, sports coaches, anybody that knows the child. Understand that your fiance has dealt with this for awhile by herself. She has had many men leave because of her son. She has trust issues. She feels like she has to protect her son. If you love her, try to help her. Do not EVER blame her, or criticize her parenting techniques (not saying you do, just the comment about her coddling him). This is probably due to her feeling the need to protect him. The one poster was right about that this illness can be managed well. But it DOES takes persistance on the parents part. You have to be a very strong person. By the way, my husband is my son's step father. We were together before the problems started, but he deals with my son much better than I do most of the time. Just wanted to say that being the step father may make it worse, especially if the child is angry about his father not being around. Although we were together before my son's diagnosis, my son still hated my husband. He wanted me to move back in with his dad. This is typical in a divorce situation, but worse with a bipolar child!! Good luck!! If you choose to go through with the marriage, your fiance will start to trust you more, once she realizes you are going to hang around. And love her son!! Understand that he CAN NOT help the way he acts, but that does not give him permission to act like he wants!! Counseling will help with that. It can teach the child to recognize when they are feeling angry (or whatever) and help the child (and the family) learn appropriate things to do.
I just wanted to let you know that his bipolar can be very well treated. Hello my name is Danielle Johnson and I have one of the worse cases of Bipolar and nobody would even be able to tell unless I told them. I currently take Ambilify and Prozac. If he takes prozac he shouldnt take too much because It will cause major mood swings. That is what was wrong with me before I went to a differnt phyciatrist. I am only 17 years old and I think I might relate to her son a little bit because i am a child myself. No other medicein was working for me until I tried Ambilify, maybe you should suggest this medicine to her? Hope everything is ok with your marriage but please dont feel any less for her because of her son. He cant help the way he is and neither can she. I know you understand. Write me back! Take care!
It is a hard thing to marry, and even harder when there are mental problems (especially with a child) Because the woman feels torn, and loves both. I have been through several relationships that were good, thought they would end in a happy ending but did not. This was because the guy did not know how to handle my son. (who is now ten with Bipolar, ODD, ADHD,) I am in a relationship currently, and it too is stressful but if you both love each other and are committed to each other and the family love will be the basis of the family, and everything else (with much work, sweat and tears) will fall into place, if it does not what is the worst that could happen? If you and she are happy why not go for it. You only have one life to live, Just remeber to communicate, and support each other. Children with bipolar and other issues need to know they are loved.
In whatever you decide. Only you know the best way to go. Good luck, and may God Bless you and your family.
In whatever you decide. Only you know the best way to go. Good luck, and may God Bless you and your family.
It is a hard thing to marry, and even harder when there are mental problems (especially with a child) Because the woman feels torn, and loves both. I have been through several relationships that were good, thought they would end in a happy ending but did not. This was because the guy did not know how to handle my son. (who is now ten with Bipolar, ODD, ADHD,) I am in a relationship currently, and it too is stressful but if you both love each other and are committed to each other and the family love will be the basis of the family, and everything else (with much work, sweat and tears) will fall into place, if it does not what is the worst that could happen? If you and she are happy why not go for it. You only have one life to live, Just remeber to communicate, and support each other. Children with bipolar and other issues need to know they are loved.
In whatever you decide. Only you know the best way to go. Good luck, and may God Bless you and your family.
In whatever you decide. Only you know the best way to go. Good luck, and may God Bless you and your family.
It is a hard thing to marry, and even harder when there are mental problems (especially with a child) Because the woman feels torn, and loves both. I have been through several relationships that were good, thought they would end in a happy ending but did not. This was because the guy did not know how to handle my son. (who is now ten with Bipolar, ODD, ADHD,) I am in a relationship currently, and it too is stressful but if you both love each other and are committed to each other and the family love will be the basis of the family, and everything else (with much work, sweat and tears) will fall into place, if it does not what is the worst that could happen? If you and she are happy why not go for it. You only have one life to live, Just remeber to communicate, and support each other. Children with bipolar and other issues need to know they are loved.
In whatever you decide. Only you know the best way to go. Good luck, and may God Bless you and your family.
In whatever you decide. Only you know the best way to go. Good luck, and may God Bless you and your family.
Not sure when your wedding date was/is ... but if you love this woman, dont let her go !!!! I'm a mother of a 13 yr old boy who is ODD, IED, & bipolar. YES, it's very stressful (thats why I'm on this forum). I was a single mother for several years. I 'warned' my husband (before we married) about my son's behaviors ... and asked him if he was sure he could deal with it. He said he could ... and we have been married for almost 5 yrs. Our house if very stressful most days ...but my husband is right there with me. I couldnt ask for a more caring & loving husband !! I'm so happy that he married me, and took on the step-father role to my son. My son doesnt appreciate it, of course. He doesnt show appreciation for anything.
You said that this would be a superhuman commitment. Yes, it is ... but for you to even write this post shows me that you ARE willing to make the commitment. You just need support & encouragement from others. All parents (& step-parents) do who have children with disorders. And as for her showing more commitment to her son than to you ... that will change. If you show that you love her & support her ... she will change. I always thought that no man would come between me & my son. But my bond is actually stronger with my husband now. I still love my son very much... but things have changed as my son has gotten more violent & aggressive.
I noticed her son only acted out for her ... not at school or in public. Be very thankful !!!! It could be worse !!! My son acts out everywhere (school, stores, resturants, in the car, even church). He's had 10 referrals so far this school year. He's on probation, and in court ordered anger management.
Coming from a mom with a troubled kid ... I can just say that your fiance definately needs the loving support from you every day. You may not make headway with her child, and you may be considered the 'devil' by her child (my son called my husband that last week).... but she still needs your support & encouragement. He may actually show more aggression, because he might think you are taking her attention off of him. But on the other hand, having a father figure might make him straighten up. Never know. It's such a relief to me that I can just hug my husband when I'm over stressed !!! I know now that I dont have to go through this alone anymore.
Your home life may not be peaceful ... but it will be full of love, if you let it be. That's how my home is.
You said that this would be a superhuman commitment. Yes, it is ... but for you to even write this post shows me that you ARE willing to make the commitment. You just need support & encouragement from others. All parents (& step-parents) do who have children with disorders. And as for her showing more commitment to her son than to you ... that will change. If you show that you love her & support her ... she will change. I always thought that no man would come between me & my son. But my bond is actually stronger with my husband now. I still love my son very much... but things have changed as my son has gotten more violent & aggressive.
I noticed her son only acted out for her ... not at school or in public. Be very thankful !!!! It could be worse !!! My son acts out everywhere (school, stores, resturants, in the car, even church). He's had 10 referrals so far this school year. He's on probation, and in court ordered anger management.
Coming from a mom with a troubled kid ... I can just say that your fiance definately needs the loving support from you every day. You may not make headway with her child, and you may be considered the 'devil' by her child (my son called my husband that last week).... but she still needs your support & encouragement. He may actually show more aggression, because he might think you are taking her attention off of him. But on the other hand, having a father figure might make him straighten up. Never know. It's such a relief to me that I can just hug my husband when I'm over stressed !!! I know now that I dont have to go through this alone anymore.
Your home life may not be peaceful ... but it will be full of love, if you let it be. That's how my home is.
I have BPD I was in denial about it for a long time and it made my life a lot harder. First I would like to start off with We are very confusing people to be around at times constantly pushing and pulling the ones we love back and forth. It has been proven that those with BPD are some of the wisest artistic people for instance Pres. Lincoln had BPD he never gave up after losing so many times.I am giving u this knowledge because once I understood it I wasnt imbarressed any more and once I saw how it helped sooooo many other people and in a way formed them to be who they were Iam now proud of my disorder and when people say she's crazy I just give them the knowledge behind it. what Im getting at here is if you love her don't give up he is playing her like a fiddle we are master manipulaters I get what I want 95% of the time because I know what to do and how to do it not allways the best thing u know maybe he is embarressed also and feeling abandoned we are very teritorial alsowe dont say it ut we show it.
Here is a way to break it down real Quick all of are emotions are multiplied by 1000 we feel pain soooo much more people think we are being over dramatic but that is how we truely feel if we are happy we are on a pink cloud of happiness soo when he is showing these emotions dont blam his disorder but in away understand alot of it is his disorder I know I have a hard time verblizing my feelings I just have actions but I cant give an explination 4 them
There are alot of books out there my favorite is NEW HOPE FOR PEOPLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER it is written by 2 docters and people with bipolar so it covers all spectrums ther is a chapter for families of people with bipolar I think that may be helpful to u also and everyone else in the home even him when I hear someone is bipolar I recomend this book and say read it when your manic it will help calm u instead of going out or cleaning just lay in bed and read it helps the time pass much faster when all of your days are running together
There are also groups for families and meetings for them where they can sit down and talk to people in there community with the same issues this book has all of that 411 also so goodluck and hang in there ~k~
Here is a way to break it down real Quick all of are emotions are multiplied by 1000 we feel pain soooo much more people think we are being over dramatic but that is how we truely feel if we are happy we are on a pink cloud of happiness soo when he is showing these emotions dont blam his disorder but in away understand alot of it is his disorder I know I have a hard time verblizing my feelings I just have actions but I cant give an explination 4 them
There are alot of books out there my favorite is NEW HOPE FOR PEOPLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER it is written by 2 docters and people with bipolar so it covers all spectrums ther is a chapter for families of people with bipolar I think that may be helpful to u also and everyone else in the home even him when I hear someone is bipolar I recomend this book and say read it when your manic it will help calm u instead of going out or cleaning just lay in bed and read it helps the time pass much faster when all of your days are running together
There are also groups for families and meetings for them where they can sit down and talk to people in there community with the same issues this book has all of that 411 also so goodluck and hang in there ~k~
Bipolar and ODD are very serious disorders and very hard ones to deal with. I have a daughter who is now 23 who is bi polar and I have been through the ringer with this child! She is single and now has a son that is 3.5 and he is showing the signs of ODD now. I am going through the same things with this child that I went through with her. But these childern take their anger out on mostly the mother. I believe if you can get outside help(something that isn't always easy), you will do fine as a family. Good luck...
Tybear,
Rhetorical Question:
A question asked merely for effect with no answer expected. The answer may be obvious or immediately provided by the questioner.
http://grammar.about.com/od/rs/g/rhetquesterm.htm
Rhetorical Question:
A question asked merely for effect with no answer expected. The answer may be obvious or immediately provided by the questioner.
http://grammar.about.com/od/rs/g/rhetquesterm.htm
I have nothing better to do? I'm not the one who is labeling all male step-parents as perverts.
Again...you have your opinions and I have mine. Clearly we don't agree and I'm fine with that...obviously you aren't.
Have a wonderful day :)
Again...you have your opinions and I have mine. Clearly we don't agree and I'm fine with that...obviously you aren't.
Have a wonderful day :)
I'll be sure to let both of my wonderful step-parents of 20+ years know then, that they are perverts.
I'm sorry that was your expierence, but that doesn't necessarily hold true for everyone else.
You are right- that's your opinion, and this is mine.
I'm sorry that was your expierence, but that doesn't necessarily hold true for everyone else.
You are right- that's your opinion, and this is mine.
Agiesmom and KG17 are right. It is not a life of doom and gloom if it is your choice to remain single and have your love life separate.
I don't believe in divorce and neither does my husband so if he were to die--I would not remarry.
I was sexually abused by a step-parent, and I am sorry but perverts look for women with children to exploit.
So Tybear--maybe you should realize that these are opinions given...and you have yours while we have ours.
I don't believe in divorce and neither does my husband so if he were to die--I would not remarry.
I was sexually abused by a step-parent, and I am sorry but perverts look for women with children to exploit.
So Tybear--maybe you should realize that these are opinions given...and you have yours while we have ours.
Are you serious??? You make it sound as though if you get divorced you are comitting to a life of doom and gloom. I'm sorry if that's what your "research" has shown you, but that's not always the case. Wow... I'm not sure whether to laugh at your response or get angry at the narrow mindedness of it.
Good luck to you, theatmguy.
Good luck to you, theatmguy.
I am a single mother with 3 young boys. My 8 year old son has been diagnosed with Bipolar and o.d.d.. I have known since he was 3 and tried to get early intervention. But of course he was so sweet and charming in the outside world. My husband at the time (we are now divorced and he is also bipolar) alway blamed me...i wasn't tough enough with him, he needs more structure. It was always my fault!!! I always felt like everyone thought I was exaggerating his behaviors. My middle son, who is 6, has been abused by his brother and my 3 year old mimicks his behavior. It is such an exhausting illness for the mothers and I totally understand what your fiance goes through.
I think she is very lucky to have you in her life! She deserves to be happy as the same with the children. Your fiance needs all the support she can get. I went through the same tough decision before I got married. I did a lot of research and decided that his good outweighed the bad. He had many hospitalizations in the first 5 years of our marriage. Even to this day...I do not regret marrying him and i still do love him and worry about him. I guess my point here is.....even if you don't decide to marry her, please always be supportive and help her in any way that you can. I get in-home therapy 3 times a week for my son and just started with play therapy. I have also contemplated a residential facility so that he can learn how to handle his outbursts, It's a tough descision to make, but i have to think of my younger son's safety and my own. Does your step-son to be get any services of after school help (partial care) That will help everyone get a break (I know that sounds horrible but we all need to take care of ourselves and our other children) I do think if you are having doubts, then just hold off on the marriage and for the time being, just get all the help and support you can. This is such a devastating illness, and there is a lot of research and recognition going on. Good Luck. I feel for you!
I think she is very lucky to have you in her life! She deserves to be happy as the same with the children. Your fiance needs all the support she can get. I went through the same tough decision before I got married. I did a lot of research and decided that his good outweighed the bad. He had many hospitalizations in the first 5 years of our marriage. Even to this day...I do not regret marrying him and i still do love him and worry about him. I guess my point here is.....even if you don't decide to marry her, please always be supportive and help her in any way that you can. I get in-home therapy 3 times a week for my son and just started with play therapy. I have also contemplated a residential facility so that he can learn how to handle his outbursts, It's a tough descision to make, but i have to think of my younger son's safety and my own. Does your step-son to be get any services of after school help (partial care) That will help everyone get a break (I know that sounds horrible but we all need to take care of ourselves and our other children) I do think if you are having doubts, then just hold off on the marriage and for the time being, just get all the help and support you can. This is such a devastating illness, and there is a lot of research and recognition going on. Good Luck. I feel for you!
for u to even remotely think about marrying her with a child that has emotional problems shows that u will be a great stepdad to him and a great husband. now days people going into a relationship see a child with problems and they run the other way.
my son is adhd, mood disorder,ect and my poor husband goes through hell sometimes. he loves my son but they have a very hard time dealing with each other. me and my husband have been through hell but we also know that my son cant help it. and sometimes my husband wants to run far away and so do i. i try to put the whole family first but there times that the child with more problems has to come first. for instance.... my son in oct had to be put in a mental hositpal because he was hurting self and others, and when his pycho dr over dosed him in dec.
i hope i helped u in some way, take care!!!!!!!
my son is adhd, mood disorder,ect and my poor husband goes through hell sometimes. he loves my son but they have a very hard time dealing with each other. me and my husband have been through hell but we also know that my son cant help it. and sometimes my husband wants to run far away and so do i. i try to put the whole family first but there times that the child with more problems has to come first. for instance.... my son in oct had to be put in a mental hositpal because he was hurting self and others, and when his pycho dr over dosed him in dec.
i hope i helped u in some way, take care!!!!!!!
kg17 wrote: "...However, if the best interest of children of broken homes is the focus, then the biological parent should remain single and keep her love life completely separate from her children until they are grown."
I totally agree with this.
I totally agree with this.
The research statistics are sorely against the success of your impending marriage. Second marriages without kids have a much higher divorce rate than first marriages, and second marriages with kids do even worse (I would speculate that the divorce rates increase even more if a child has a "mental illness"). Having worked as a child psychologist for the past 15 years has convinced me of a few things - many of which are NOT popular. However, if the best interest of children of broken homes is the focus, then the biological parent should remain single and keep her love life completely separate from her children until they are grown. Second marriages and mix-n-matches almost never work and are fraught with grief for all parties involved. Children typically do not do well in these types of homes and have statistically higher rates of behavior problems, poor academics, younger involvement in sex and drugs, more likely to commit crime, and experience depression and anxiety. There are well-researched books on the topic - one you might read is called "The Divorce Culture" (can't recall author) and books written by J. Wallerstein. If your "intended" wanted to do best by her children, she would end her relationship with you and focus her complete attention on properly parenting her children, giving them structure and learning appropriate parenting skills, as well as learn how to deal with her own neediness in healthier ways.
I disagree. The children do not come first. The FAMILY does. If something is good for the child but not good for the family as a whole then we don't do it. Many people fail at marriage because they forget that they are a husband/wife as well as a parent. My fiance and I do put Alex's needs above our wishes and he has everything he needs(and a lot of what he wants). However, long after these children become adults we are still to be married to our spouces. I think that if his gal wants to raise her child properly she needs to stop coddling her "baby" and start raising an adult. Obviously there is a lot of love here and he already stated that he would put his wife AND CHILDREN first. Not just the children and not just the wife. Remember that there has to be some sort of a relationship other than parenting for marriages to work for the long haul.
No need for apologies, as I read back over the section you all seem to have focused in on, I can understand your reaction.
My intended and I have a disagreement regarding her son. After leaving this post yesterday, we spoke about it at length. Her son does very well in school and with other adults yet he is 10 times more likely to attack of verbally abuse his mother and sister. His mom recognizes that she is an enabler and her passive approach to dealing with her sons disorder is not doing anyone in this family any good.
When I entered into this relationship, I knew that the boy had mental health issues but I did not fully understand the extent. As time passed and we fell deeper in love, and came to live together, I began researching this disorder.
As our wedding date approaches, I am understandably concerned that things are likely to get worst rather than better. This is my life too and I have been asking myself if I have what it takes to stand the test of time.
An interesting observation: I noticed that the two respondents to my post appear to be women. In speaking with men on this subject, I tend to get a much different feedback. One of the men I have spoken to on this matter is married to a woman that suffers this disorder.
In speaking with my intended, we agree that she must stop giving her son license to act out and that the message she needs to send is that even though he has this disorder, he must still try to control himself.
She has said that she has had men come in and out of their lives and the guys always leave because they can not handle her son. She has also been involved in abusive relationships and she does not want her daughter to grow up thinking this is acceptable.
Thanks again for you input and again, no apologies needed. I was in a highly emotional state when I made the post and did not choose my words carefully.
Momagain59: Nothing compares to a maternal bond. If he were mine as you say, I would not take a passive approach and discipline would be the order of the day. No child is perfect and they will all get in trouble from time to time. This boy has demonstrated that he knows the difference between right and wrong, he just needs help controlling his outburst.
Would you feel this way if it were your child? I think you should be honest with your gal (as you call her) about your true feelings and commitment to this family. The longer you stay in their life before you leave the worse it will be for the children. Bi-polar to my understanding, always gets worse with age. Please do this GREAT Mom a favor, and move on, so she can find the right person that can commit to her and her children. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings but I am only putting this childs needs before yours. Don't feel bad, not everyone can put a child's needs before theirs and those people that can't do not need to be parents. If I were her, I would help you pack. Heck, I will help you pack if you are located close enough to me.
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