My 10 year old son does not like to be told what to do, but will after arguing, please help..

[missie1979]

I can ask my 9yr, almost 10 year old son to clean his room.  He looks at me like I’m crazy.  When we ask him he starts to cry or whine let we are being mean to him.  After 5 minutes of him sitting in his room and staring around he will come out and tell me he doesn't know how.  Can I please help him?  Which then starts an argument with my husband when he sternly tells him to get in his room you know what you are doing you have done it lots of times before.  Which now my son will cry louder stomp his feet.  He will again come out of his room n ask for a drink or snack then slowly walk back into his room to stare around.  Well, now my husband gets louder because my son does it with a smirk on his face.  Sometimes not all the time my son will scream you guys are mean and I hate you, and wish you were dead.  You guys don't love me.  Well all of this arguing gets his games or anything that means the most to him taken away for a while.  Now after about 30 minutes to 45 minutes he becomes the biggest sweetheart and cleans his room quietly asking questions nicely like none of that ever happened.

Now to do his homework is like asking to pull teeth.  He knows exactly what he is doing.  As soon as he sits down he says he has no clue how to do his homework.  Now he needs my help so I sit down to help him and he gets up, sits down, etc.  Does handstands.  Breaks his pencil.  Makes excuses, needs a drink.  Etc.  Same as cleaning his room.  We again end up arguing because my patience run thin we need to eat dinner and have other nightly routines to get done.  He goes in his room for 20 minutes comes out like nothing ever happened and does what he is told perfect.  Funny thing when we go to meetings with his teacher they say he is the first one to shut the lights off, first one to help clean up.  Thinks of others always.  Has a small problem with daydreaming.  So I just don't get it.

Lastly, if he is playing a game and someone does not want to do it his way.  He gets very upset.  Cries and ends up in his room alone sad.  Possibly causing an argument with his sister.  Now purposely trying to make her mad because she won't do what he wants.  Stomps his feet screams, we give him a timeout.  Now I have to chase him around the house just to get him into his room or timeout.  Not when daddy is home.  He goes in right away.  Finally again 30 min to 45 minutes after all the arguing, he again becomes like the sweetest kid like none of it ever happened like he forgot.  

Please help I hate to have to argue with him all of the time to do what he is told.  Or is there something maybe wrong??

[AHP84]

I agree with the above poster. I also have a son, six year old, who lives to argue with me, I swear! And with all of the same issues you have, with cleaning his room, doing his homework...heck, he even argues with me when he has to wash his hands before dinner or brush his teeth before bed most nights.
What works to stop the argument just as he starts it is to give a warning, and then follow through with it. For example, we tell our son to clean his room and he has until a certain time to get it done. If it's not done, anything left on the floor goes in the trash. He has lost some expensive and favorite toys that way; sometimes it's even hard for us to follow through because we know it was an expensive toy or a meaningful gift or a favorite of his, but in the end...the value of having an obedient child is worth WAY more. Trust me, when your son sees you trash his toys right in front of him and then take the garbage out to the dumpster, it sends a message loud and clear. All we have to do is threaten to throw away toys now, and our son stops the argument immediately and gets the job done. Every time. He still tries to argue when we ask initally, but all it takes is that warning and the arguing stops.
Homework. Set a timer to get X amount of work done (for example, if math homework, he has to do five problems in 10 minutes). Then he can have a two minute break. If he fails to get X amount of work done in X amount of time, then no two minute break AND he loses TV time and/or more priviledges. If homework is not done before dinnertime, he has X amount of time to eat his dinner before it's taken away and he has to go finish his homework. If homework is not done before bedtime, then he will write a note to his teacher and apologize for not completing his homework even though he had plenty of help and time to do it, and he will sign it. That makes him own take responsibilites for his actions.
Harsh? Yes...
But it sets a clear set of boundaries and respect. Give it a week or two and I'll bet you anything that he will no longer try to argue with you beyond the initial objection once you give the warning.
I also agree with the above poster that you cannot let him make his own punishment. If you send him to his room and he can come out on his own whenever he wants just because he will act sweet is not facing any consequences for the previous behavior. Ground him for the behavior along with sending him to his room, so that the punishment isn't over the moment he decides to walk out the door. Take away TV for a day or two, or a week if the behavior was that bad. Take away a favorite toy or computer or video game time for a few days, or take away playtime with friends on the weekends. If he can't behave and act appropriate around other people when he "doesn't get his way," then he doesn't need to be playing with them until he can understand that you don't always get your way, and if you don't, you have to act appropriately.

[lil_sweet_thang]

sounds like the only thing wrong with him is being spoiled my boys r 6 and 7 when it is time to clean their room i give them 1 hour and if its not done all the toys on the floor go in the trash if they can not pick them up they can not have them and when it comes to homework my boys r not alowed to watch tv or play video games till it is done and they have to try befor i will help them as for the making excuses like drink snack ect try giving him a break time befor homework or what ever tell him ok its time to do ....... u have 10 min to go to the bathroom and get a drink then its time to get started also if timeout lasts untill he comes out of his room and acts better then u r leaving his punishment up to him the next time he starts acting like a brat ground him for the rest of the day (at our house that means no tv games bikes or desert) if a day doese not work make it 3 or a week sometimes u need to use tough love he may say ur mean and he may get mad at u but he is 10 what if he acts like this when he gets old enough to drive and get a job??