My 13 yr old had sex....now what?!

Before anything my daughter and I have above average communication, being a single mom, I always felt that that was important cause I can't be there 24/7 since I have to work and I also study. She is as a general rule a very responsible girl, and quite mature for her age... I normally trust her and try very hard to respect her privacy...a while ago I gave her a laptop as a birthday gift, but as a precaution I installed a monitoring program on it...which she doesn't know about...I check it every once in a while, make sure to warn her about the dangers of the internet and etc... she has a boyfriend, which at first I wasn't too keen on the idea, but he's a cool kid a year older than she is, and forbidding that kinda of thing only makes them want to do it more.... I had the sex talk with her a few times, the importance of respecting yourself above all...and all the works...she laughed...said I had nothing to worry about...and always obeyed the ground rules for dating...ie: he can't come to the house when i'm not there, door always opened, he has to leave at a certain time on school nights, no sleep overs...etc...the other day I was getting something in my 13 year old daughter's bedroom, when I noticed a scrap piece of paper with a date and the saying "Special day... I liked it" ...for some reason the "Mom Radar" my own mother told me about started flashing the red lights. She was in the room and I asked her what it was...she said it was probably one of her friends that wrote it. I had has extra shifts the week before (during the week of the date written on the paper) so I was leaving really early and coming back quite late, my heart just sank....so the next day I logged into her computer while she was at school...and my worse fears where confirmed.  She had lost her virginity. I got the proof of the pudding via a conversation she had with one of her girlfriends....since the program tracks anyone who uses that computer, her boyfriend had used it also to ask for his friend for condoms....that relieved me somewhat...but I can't be sure if he got it or not. Now my dilemma is the following: she has always been honest with me, but now I find out she not only lied to me since obviously he was here while I was gone, loosing your virginity is a pretty big deal no matter what age you are, but at 13 it must be even more full of questions and conflicts....how can I talk to her, tell her I know, without making her get mad at me for my "invasion" since she hasn't told me about it....it would break a link of trust which I feel is imperative for us given our situation....I'm freaking out cause she's WAY too young, and I'm going crazy because I also want to be there for her, and help her through this and make her aware of safety and things like that...but at the same time I'm so angry at her for breaking my trust and blatantly disobeying me and lying to me. Please help! Single mom here with no one but the internet to count on...thanks in advance.

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd try to learn as much as you can about the ages at which kids are having sex for the first time nowadays, and maybe try to track down some articles in teen magazines about having sex.  If you find a good one with the appropriate cautionary tone, but still written in language a teenager would appreciate, leave it lying around.  Then bring up the topic with her.  In other words, try to find an opening to discuss the topic without revealing that you know she had sex.  

It doesn't sound like you have been a disinterested or uninvolved mom, but do you have to be taking classes right now?  This might be the most crucial time in your lives together for you to be constantly available and offering things to do together.  She won't need a boyfriend so much if she has continual activity and your company and updated involvement in her life.  At the very least, your presence will be a deterrent.  

I saw that Bristol Palin recently wrote something that was captioned "Abstinence doesn't work" or something like that.  If  it was what it sounded like, which is an article from her about how she managed to be raised with such conservative values and still have a baby out of wedlock, it might be worth chasing down to see if she offers any insights as to what might have kept her from having sex.

Is there a counselor at school who could tell you about the sexual attitudes in cliques at your daughter's school and in the group of friends she hangs out with?

[singlemom32]

Thanks so much for your advice! You gave me some really good ideas! As far as my classes go, I'll be done with those next week, and yes I do agree with you with the continual activity part...once again thanks, you've been very helpful!
P.S : I have a meeting scheduled with the counselor on Monday, thanks for that tip too!

[MoanaGirl]

My 18 year old daughter is still a virgin, I think because I scared the sh*t out of her with facts.  When she was 14 she sat down and asked me how I felt about her having a boyfriend.  (Since we had already discussed some basics and she was told dating wasn't even negotiable until she was 16) I had her come and sit down at the computer with me.  I opened the CDC webpages and we reviewed EVERY STD, it's signs, symptoms, statistics...etc.  After that I discussed pelvic exams because if she decided to be sexually active she would have to do them.  We discussed abortions and date rape and being at parties and having someone put something in her drink, drinking alcohol and it's affects on judgement... etc.  We spent about 2 hours going over all of the things that go along with having a boyfriend and having sex.  

I explained to her that if she chose the behavior she chose the consequences too.  I let her ask questions and made it very clear that there were significant risks with having sex if she was not well educated.  I explained that sometimes in the heat of the moment, you're only seeing 'right now'.... but sometimes 'right now' follows you through your whole life!  

At the end of our discussion, I asked her if she was ready to assume 100% complete responsibility for any and all consequences of making the wrong choice.... she said "NO WAY"!  (Thank God)

I have always communicated openly and honestly with my daughter because I was only 19 when she was born.  Thankfully, it's worked and she is now beginning her second year of college and still doesn't want a boyfriend.  She says it's too much drama and work!  lol  

I would just find some time, look up some websites about talking to your teen about sex and sit her down and go through as much information as you can.  She can't trust her friends for advice, but if you are open and honest with her she may come to you for advice.

Good luck.