My 17½ month old is trouble at daycare

[AHP84]

My 17½ month old son is being very aggressive towards other kids at daycare, and has landed himself in a certain type of isolated playtime this week called "up-down time," meaning that he gets to play with the other kids until he hits or pinches, then he gets put in a highchair and cannot play with them, and once their 15 minute playtime is complete, he gets 15 minutes of playtime alone. If his aggressive behavior doesn't improve after this week, we have a parent-teacher conference with his caretakers and the principal of the daycare and he'll get daily discipline reports--I don't really know what happens from there.
His behavior at home is normal and average of a toddler his age. He has a short temper so tantrums are a common occurance, but the aggression isn't really an issue. He does try to hit and pinch (he mainly pinches), but he responds to warnings to stop almost every time, and if he doesn't, he gets time out--after which his behavior always improves. We've told our 6½ year old son that they're no longer allowed to rough-house together, although when we did allow that, it never provoked hitting or pinching from my toddler--they play really well together most of the time.
I'm not about to blame the daycare for his behavior; I sent my older son there for four years and never had any disciplinary problems with him or concerns about the care he got there. It's a wonderful place that provides excellent care, so there is no doubt in my mind that anything "wrong" is happening on their part.
I'm just not sure how to handle my son's aggression issues he's having while there when it's apparently not as big of a problem at home, or at least nothing we can't handle effectively. I don't want this to be a problem at his daycare.
They told me yesterday that after he got put in a highchair for isolation that another kid walked nearby him, within his reach, and he swatted at the kid's head angrily/aggressively.
He's more introverted than my older son, so I don't think isolated playtime bothers him one bit. In fact, I think he prefers it. I'm wondering if he just gets too keyed up with the other kids around him, "in his space," and that brings out the aggressive side of him. He's friendly and social--I take him to parks to play with other kids and he enjoys doing that, but when he's "had enough," he comes back to me and winds down. I don't think he's getting that need met at daycare unless he gets put in a highchair for isolation. I'm not sure his introversion IS the problem, but I have a strong feeling that could be it.
How do you help a problem when the "time out" is probably what he wants? Is there any way to help aggressive behavior that I can advise the daycare to do that does not involve a punishment that he doesn't mind getting?

[AHP84]

I really can't say for sure if he's trying to play with the other kids or if he's getting angry and being aggressive--I'm not there to see it. But, the caretakers say he seems to be frustrated and angry when he does it, and my grandmother-in-law told me one day when she picked him up about a month ago, that she had walked in without him noticing her. She approached him from behind, and he was sitting next to another child who had either taken a toy he wanted or was in "his" space too much--she couldn't tell--but she said he reached over, grabbed her arm and pinched as hard as he could, and my grandmother-in-law startled him from behind when she placed her hand on his shoulder and quietly but firmly told him, "That is NOT nice. You do not pinch your friends."

I think you made a good point about him being the littlest at home, and doted upon by everyone--he just started daycare back in February, and before that, my grandmother-in-law watched him at her home, where he was an only child for 13 months during the daytime. So naturally, he plays very well by himself, and can entertain himself well. His older brother plays with him sometimes, and other times, plays by himself because he wants to do "big kid stuff," leaving Greydon to play on his own, and he's fine with that. The only time he's around multiple children his age is at daycare; the rest of the time it's just his big bro or the one other child his age at church that he spends an hour with once a week in the nursery.

[adgal]

Well, you know I am still "in training" myself (or maybe we all always are...), but we are going through something similar with Ryder.  In his case though it's not really aggressive, he thinks it's playing.  Perhaps the same is true with Greydon?  I mean, are they sure it's aggression and not a form of play?

I could be way off base here, but the first thing that pops into my head is it gets him extra attention.  I say that because I know you well enough to know that you are a very involved mom.  At home he is the littlest, and from things you have said, he is adored by big brother, and I know he is adored by mommy and daddy.  So tonnes of attention.  But at daycare there are more kids, and less individual attention from the teachers.  So perhaps he has learned that doing this get's him that, even if it's negative?  Or maybe he is just a kid that when he has had enough gets frustrated and perhaps even angry.  I have a personality like that..I need down and alone time or I get grumpy.  Maybe he could have individual playtime away from kids without it being a punishment?  Heck, if he knows that's what happens, maybe he does it to get that time?

Just thoughts I guess.  I'm certainly no expert, but these are the things that immediately come to mind.

Good luck...Ryder has bitten two kids this week at daycare and I know how frustrating it is when we can't get them to understand why they shouldn't.

[AHP84]

Oh, and he's been in daycare since he was 13 months old...so not for very long.

[AHP84]

That's mainly what I'm hoping to find out--if the daycare is trying to do more to show him how to play better rather than just punishing him in a way that he doesn't seem to mind.

[AHP84]

My older son is very gentle and loving to his little brother and will leave him alone if he sees that he's upset with the play or if we tell them to stop. Their active play started a few months ago, when my toddler started walking and has since been following his big bro everywhere, wanting to play with him and do everything he does. When they play together, it's almost always a mutual interaction, as in...my older doesn't go and just tackle my little one and start roughing him up, or vice versa. Generally, their play begins with much less active play, such as with action figure toys or building blocks, but then they get to giggling and laughing and acting silly, leading to chasing each other, bouncing around, rolling on the floor, all while still having fun and laughing. They rarely ever get aggressive with each other. When they do, the play stops immediately (little one pulling hair, older one getting a bit too rough, etc) and we separate them--everything is calm within moments.
I honestly don't know why he's being as aggressive as he is at daycare with the other kids because this literally just stared with him about three weeks ago, and isn't improving. Nothing at home changed to spark this type of behavior, not that I'm aware of anyway. The only thing we've changed at home since this reached its worst point this week was to stop all active horseplay between the two boys. I'm not denying that perhaps their horseplay/roughhousing hasn't helped matters, but I really don't think that's the sole cause of his aggression because we supervise our boys closely and don't let things get so out of hand between them that they become aggressive with each other and get away with it.
At home, it's two kids--when we notice things become aggravated between them, they're easy to separate. At daycare, it's multiple kids all grouped together who can't communicate effectively with one another, and the caretakers can't exactly separate each of them from one another either. I think my son gets annoyed easily when a bunch of kids invade his space and he feels he can't get away like he can at home, which leads to his aggression.

[Sandman2]

   Pretty much agree with Margypops.  Wonder how long your son has been in daycare?  He is not even two yet.  He will learn and unlearn things very quickly!  I would think that with a bit more training on how to play by both the daycare center and you, he will get the idea.   Hopefully, the daycare actually is involved in showing him how to play instead of punishing him.

[margypops]

I didn't mean to infer you spanked it was just a ref that children do copy what is done to them ....I still think that the kind of play you describe is too much for this child's age and presumably he was younger when it started. But its stopped now so really what you want is him to do the same ...I guess he has to play alone as they don't want him hitting the other children when he is at home maybe the 6 year old can play with building blocks , leggo and things like that . Something rang a bell in my head when you said that he swotted another child when he was in the highchair, could that be something the 6 year old did to him at home even if he doesn't do it now and surely wanting his own space tells you he doesn't or didnt like the bombardment of an older child leaping on him .I have seen this in a friend's family and the younger child was so distraught from the tickling, wrestling, and rough games ..he became anxious when his older Bro was around, funnily enough later he became the same and to this day bothers his younger sister to the point of her crying to be left alone .,he had learned and copied the behavior,which originated form his dad doing it .

[AHP84]

Yes, we have made it very clear to our older son that he is no longer allowed to play rough with his little brother--although their rough-housing has never included hitting or pinching, it's just been rolling around on the floor more or less, chasing each other like a game of tag, and bouncing on furniture to the extent that we deem safe. I say "rough-housing," but I use the term meaning they're gently physical and active when they play, but not punching, hitting, kicking, wrestling, and/or hurting each other in any way--they're boys, so it's not like they are up for having tea parties and playing with dolls, lol.

We don't spank for discipline with our toddler, we only use time outs, and with our older son, he gets priviledges taken away mainly. So our youngest does not see hitting or pinching between any of us--that is a behavior I feel confident in saying he DID learn from other kids at daycare for the most part. However, we do recognize that the rough-housing doesn't help the aggressive behavior, so as I said, we have put a complete stop to it.
But I guess I'm not entirely convinced his aggression at daycare was learned only from home from the rough-housing, as during that type of play with his brother, it is anything but aggressive between them.
The way he is behaving at daycare is aggressive; he is not trying to play with the other kids once he's become aggressive. He'd rather play alone, and I'm wondering if playing alone is essentially rewarding his behavior instead of teaching him a way to develop better, less aggressive behavior.

[margypops]

I think he has a learned behavior from the rough housing, this is, I am afraid exactly what happens , children copy and learn from their family, he was and is too young to 'rough house' with a 6 year old or anyone ,.I see you have stopped that , are you around a lot to make sure it doesn't happen ,where did the 6 year old get the rough housing from ,did his Dad start it ? He has learned this behavior now trying to stop it is the hard part make sure the 6 year old obeys you and doesn't do any 'rough housing,  as its then being re enforced .All you can do is the time outs ,and distraction he has to unlearn what has been taught him its okay to do .This is why 'spanking ,hitting, children is bad they think its okay to do it to others ..I think if you explain to daycare that its become a habit he learned form his brother, they may understand , ask if they can take him from the room for a short while each time he is aggressive .so he isn't with the children