My 3 year old son and his behavior

I am a single mother with a 3 year old boy. I have been told by several people including my mother that raising a male alone is not going to be easy. I work a full time job and go to school, so on the weekends I am burned out and al I want to do is sleep. It puts me in a situtation where I don't have little or no time to spend with him with studying and working. He has been in 3 daycare facilities and has been withdrawn from all three accept his new one which he keeps getting suspended from for hitting others toddlers. The hitting that he does is not minor, he leaves speed knots on these children. I have talk to his teacher and she said that sometimes it is not his fault but he is aggressive when other children bother him. Now I'm to the point where I can't keep taking off from work to care for him when I have to work to maintain my household. I love his daycare and his teacher. His teacher loves him and always said he is a bright child that needs a little attention. What can I do? I am so lost right now. I spank him and take things away from him, yell curse and none of those methods have worked. What other approaches can I take to get him together so that he won't be a fighting soul?

[AHP84]

As a single mom working a full time career and raising a 3½ yr old boy myself, I can relate.
You need to first realize that he's got to be your number one priority. Anything that can free up some time for you to spend with him is where you need to begin your focus. I'd recommend dropping out of school for the next couple of years, at least until he gets into elementary school.
You need to work to support the both of you, so daycare will always be part of the picture for him. But you don't NEED to go to school right now. You WANT to go to school, and your little boy is suffering from loss of attention from you, and these are his most formative years of behavioral development. These are the years where he needs to learn from his parents (and all he has is you) how to behave on a very deep emotional level that no teacher or peer can provide for him. By the time he's ready for kindergarden/1st grade, if he doesn't have your loving values instilled in him because you weren't there for him, his school years are going to be off to a really rocky start.

Try not to spank him or yell and curse at him. I'm not against spanking if used seldomly and not for every disciplinary action. But yelling and cursing at a toddler--what good is that going to accomplish? It just teaches them to yell back, smart off, and use curse words too.
When my son gets on my nerves, is defiant and disobedient, he gets one warning in a firm tone that he'll either go to time out, lose a toy/priviledge, or get a spanking. I don't have to yell at him. If he does it again, I follow through with the punishment, usually without saying a word to him.
If he whines constantly or throws a tantrum, he goes to time out and I get down on his level and tell him he won't come out until he can hush and sit quietly. A few minutes later, I'll say, "Do you want to come out?"
Which he'll wail out, "YEEEES! WAAAAHHHH!"
I'll say, "Well, you'd better quiet down then because you're not coming out until I hear quiet for three minutes."
If it continues, I'll do the same thing about two minutes later. It always works eventually. Always.
I do this in public by taking him out to the car and locking him in his carseat and sitting in the car with him.
I don't have to yell. All I have to do is keep control of the situation and make sure he knows he won't get control from me.
When he's behaving well, I praise him for EVERYTHING. Anything I can find that he's doing right, from using a napkin to wipe his hands instead of his shirt to taking turns on playground equipment with bratty kids that treat him like cr*p to obeying me for something so simple as getting a jacket on, I praise him. I put a lot of focus on the positive with him.
The more positive attention you give a child, the more they'll seek positive attention, and vice versa.
And any extra time you have, no matter how tired you are, just spend any time with him. Read him a short story. Color a picture with him. Watch a movie with him. Make a batch of easy-bake cookies with him. Just talk to him and ask him how his day went, who he played with, what's his favorite thing to do at school. You'll be surprised at what you hear from day to day. And you'll get to really know your son too.
Hope this helps! Best of luck to you!

[Sades]

All the advice you have given is helpful. Thank you very much. The only thing I would have to disagree with is me dropping out of school. I'm going to school to better educate myself and to make a better life for him. So I know I can't gvie up on school. But everything else is very helpful. He goes back to school tomorrow so I hope that I get good feedback on his comeback. And when we do go out in public he does have a tendency to embarrass me and it becomes overwhelming for me to the point where I just want to leave where I am at and cry. But I know I can't. He does talk back to me and picks up little habits from the other children in his preschool class. How can I break those habits because honestly, he is a little out of control? I find myself yelling and spanking him not working and talking to him down on his level is not doing so well either. I know that I am very impatient with him. So I know me being patient will be part of me getting control of him but still lost. Any more advice help me out please.

[RockRose]

Sades,  I may be speaking out of turn,  but I believe  AJH's main point was that you put off schooling.    

This child doesn't care right now at ALL if you have extra money and if you are on a good career path.  I promise,  he doesn't care.  There are women in India who live in thatch huts and have no money,  but their babies are well adjusted because they have a mommy who loves them and kisses on them and beams proudly at them.  

Your boy is hollow inside because he doesn't have anyone who is totally focused on him.  He NEEDS his mommy,  and that's you.  God help the motherless child.  

He needs you.  Like no one will ever need you ever in your life,  this child needs you.  

[treazzure007]

School will always be there.  These crucial building block years for your son won't.  Choose your son right now.  He is the greatest investment you could ever choose.  It's not dropping out of school.  It's giving yourself a well needed vacation.  I did it myself a few times until I finished.  Yeah, it took longer that just shooting through in 4 years, but Iv bonded well with my son and got a very healthy, intelligent, and loving 6 year old in the process.

[AHP84]

I didn't mean for you to give up on school. I suggested that you drop out now and go back in a couple of years, after you son has entered elementary school.

And when you're in public, you CAN leave with him if he's embarassing you. Even if you're grocery shopping; just find an associate and hand them the cart, apologize and tell them that you have to resolve an issue with your child. Trust me, people will understand and in fact, they'll appreciate you taking away a screaming kid.
If you just let him throw a tantrum and think you can't leave, he's in complete control. He has everyone's attention and he knows you're going to try anything just to make him stop--bribing, threats, whatever--and that's attention from you. He wins because that's what he's seeking, even if it's not what he likes.
By taking him out of the public place, it gets him away from the attention of others and lets him know that he hasn't made you feel helpless to the point of giving in and letting him continue. No need to yell, just tell him to stop or you're leaving. If he doesn't stop, then pick him up and leave without a word to him. Either go home and put him in time out or just take him out to the car and put him in his carseat until he calms down.

I know what you mean about him picking up bad habits from kids at preschool! Oh, the joys of having to put your kids in daycare--they get bad habits and get sick all the time.

When my son comes home immitating bad behavior, or has gotten a bad report from school, he gets disciplined or reminded of what I expect from him. For instance, if he comes home with a "potty mouth," I tell him that I don't like that mean dirty talk, so should I get some soap to wash those dirty words out of his mouth? I've never had to do this, but just asking him makes him stop. I don't have to raise my voice. He knows I'll follow through with discipline, so he almost never pushes past the first warning.
If he gets a bad report while in school, he loses a priviledge for the night. For instance, he went through a scuffling phase last month where he was deliberately picking fights. He only did that twice in two weeks--the first time I had a talk with him about going to teachers when he gets angry instead of fighting. When he did the same thing the next week, he lost movie priviledges and got no special treats for the weekend (it was a Friday). He hasn't done it since.
I think the main reasons that it's not working when you use time outs, spankings, or speaking to him on his level is because you're frustrated, impatient, and yelling, so to him, it's just a battle of wills and getting attention rather than being something that makes him stop and think about what he's doing/saying to receive the discipline. And that's understandable from your position, because you sound so burnt out from working, schooling, homework, keeping up with living expenses and maintenance, and then on top of that, having to raise a toddler that's developing a mind of his own. If I were in your position, I'd probably be a bit snappy with my son too (in fact, at times I am)! I think all parents, single and married, get impatient and burnt out sometimes.
But that's why I think you should really consider putting off school for a couple of years. You are all he has, and he's not getting what he needs from you because you're too burnt out *all* the time instead of just occasionally. And I'm all for getting your education; I graduated with a BA in 2006 and my son was about 18 months. But at the time I was going to school, I did not have a job. All I did was school and parenting while my mom (God bless her) supported us both financially 100% because she wanted me to be his parent, finish my education, and not be too burnt out to parent and have no time for him. Now I have a full-time career and I spend my evenings and weekends with him doing fun things and going places.
He's my first priority and if I didn't have my mom's support while I was in college, I would have dropped out until he was older and then gone back, no hesitation. When you are all your child has, you need to be there for them as much as possible, *especially* from birth to ages 5-6 because they are SO dependent on you for everything, and behavior and emotional development are the most crucial.