My 4 yr. old boy is terrible in daycare.

My son is 4, and we started him in daycare when he was 3, before that my husband's grandmother kept him.  It has been one rocky year, he has been kicked out of one daycare and since placed in another.  He has done MUCH better in this new daycare, still having major problems during naptime.  He just won't be still and quiet.  Lately it gets worse, he is talking back, telling other teachers he doesn't have to listen to them, he has pushed friends, etc...  His teachers love him, he is soo sweet for the most part, just doesn't want to listen at naptime and is really pushing buttons.  My husband and I have set up charts for keeping up with his behavior and rewarding/disciplining as needed, we have taken toys,done timeout, and worse cases spanked. We have had a specialist come to his school to observe him.  Spanking seems to be the only thing that works,somewhat, and I don't want to spank him EVERYDAY.  He doesn't do this at home, and we are at our whits end!!  What are we not doing, or what can be done to get through to him and not feel as though we are punishing him everyday??

[tiredbuthappy]

spanking him at home for actions done at school is not an effective form of discipline.

What is the naptime routine? How long is he expected to lay still/quietly? Some 4 year olds do not nap. If the rest of his day is as smooth as you describe, then clearly the problem is with naptime. What kind of "specialist" observed him? Did you request the specialist or did the school? A school wouldn't normally send a specialist for a child who only has problems with naptime. If they requested it, then they must suspect something else is going on.

But, back to naptime. Like I said, some 4 year olds don't need a nap anymore. Our program requires children to rest quietly for 20 minutes. Then we are required to provide them with a quiet activity to do on their beds (books, puzzles, etc...). This can be problematic and I understand why most teachers avoid this (once the others see it, they all want it. It also can lead to a parade of kids swapping books and puzzles instead of resting). In his case, if the teachers are willing, i suggest they try putting him in a more isolated part of the room. Ask if you can send in some books on CD for him to listen to. This was very successful with one child a few years back. He got to listen to his CD on his mat at rest time. (by the way, you can probably borrow some from your local library). If he likes drawing, you can ask if it would be OK if he quietly drew in a notebook or journal during this time. Or a coloring book. If the teachers are hestitant when you suggest these things, remind them that it would be much less disruptive to the entire class if he does quiet activities on his mat than if he screams the entire time.

Did you know that naptime at many centers is 2 hours long? Could you sit/lay quietly for that long? If not, wouldn't you dread that time everyday?

[ohboy04]

At naptime his teachers try and give him a book, headphones, or something to help pass the time.  His naptime is 2 hours long and very difficult for him to be quiet that long.  I understand his dislike for it. His teachers are very understanding and they didn't request the specialist, (the last daycare did). It was a behavioral specialist, he was very difficult at the last daycare ( I now know why, he was in 3 classes and had 4 different teachers in 8 months and then they kicked him out for bad behavior.) That was his first daycare and once the new daycare realized what he'd been through they knew better how to try and handle his behavior.   The specialist said she didn't see any major issues, and the lady has since left the company I called. I have had a meeting with his teachers, to explain his background in daycare, and they are all for finding what works with him.  His teachers just want to be able to get through to him and get him to keep quiet, and stay on his cot.  I have recorded naptime cds, I haven't tried the story on cd yet, I have sent books from the library and home, nothing sticks.  He might listen for a few minutes and then he's done. He attention is another issue, he has gotten better since starting the new daycare (in may '08) but still needs some work.  
  His teachers have even told me they know he doesn't do things intentionally, he just get antsy and frustrated.  They are more than willing to do whatever they can to help. I just don't like being angry or disappointed at him so much.  I know he doesn't like it.  We talk to him about what we expect and what his behavior should be, but he is a 4 yr. old boy.  Any advice?

[babygirl6152]

let him be rewarded by the school if he lays still at naptime- that's it. If he is outright disrespectful to a teacher at school, punish him at home.