My 4 yr. old daughter is too shy with adults at school. They may retain her in pre school. Soooo Worried!

[Melissa 77]

My daughter Samantha has no problem going to school. She goes in just fine. During group discussions or when asked a direct question she answers in a very soft voice and at times doesn't answer at all. The academic advisor thinks she may not be ready for kindergarten. She believes my daughter lacks social skills.I'm not sure it's fair to retain a smart child because she is too shy. She is doing her work and progressing nicely but she won't talk or show what she knows. At home she is a chatter box of course. She is so smart and her reasoning skills are incredible for her age but know one knows that but me because she won't answer questions if asked by a teacher or she will answer in a low voice thats hard to hear. If she needs something, or is hurt, or needs to use the bathroom, she talks clearly. She plays and talks to her friends. She plays with other children in the park and uses a big voice. Something happens when she is expected to talk or is put on the spot. What can I do to stop them from retaining her? What can I do to help her understand how important it is for her  to express herself without pressuring her and as a result she won't talk at all. She doesn't respond well when pressured to do something. Please help? I'm worried what this might do to her self - esteem and I feel its not fair to my daughter. Please HELP?

Thank You,
Melissa - worried mom.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The variation of selective mutism that your daughter displays will not be helped by retaining her before kindergarten. By all means she should move on to kindergarten, and it is likely that all you have to do is insist that this occur. Selective mutism is an anxiety disorder, and it's important not to pressure the child to speak. In fact, the best strategy in school is to avoid expectations for speaking. She will improve as time goes on and as her anxiety diminishes. You may pursue some outpatient therapy for her. This might help her and offer you a forum where you can discuss your concerns.

[jdtm]

Do I know your story well!  Our first born granddaughter was selectively mute for several years in school before the anxiety lessened to the point where the voice surfaced.  By the way, it is not that your child "won't talk or show what she knows", she is unable to talk and unable to show what she knows.  The school environment which she perceives to be unsafe renders her mute.  As the doctor said "She will improve as time goes on and as her anxiety diminishes"; however most of our sm children require a multi-modal system of treatment involving intervention, therapy and possibly medication in order to "lessen" the anxiety.  Often, when the voice surfaces, other anxiety behaviours occur so treatment for most of our sm children is critical.  

In my opinion, the best site on the internet is "selectivemutism.org" where you can download information to give to your child's teacher. There are many excellent books which you can purchase - I might suggest "The Ideal Classroom Setting for the Selectively Mute Child" by Dr. Elisa Shipon-Blum which either the school could purchase (or you could donate it to the school).  It really is worth its weight in gold.  

Most school districts cannot retain children in the lower grades without the approval of the parents so retention is not an issue (and yes, our school district tried this one too).  Selective mutism (which I believe is a severe form of social anxiety) is an "invisible" disability and you will need to advocate for your child.  But, with proper treatment and intervention (which can be done by parents or other family members) and sometimes medication, the prognosis is excellent for our children.  Today our granddaughter is in Grade 6 and doing very well in learning how to accept and cope with her phobia.

If you would like more information, please let me know and I will forward my e-mail address.  All the best -

jdtm