My 4 yr old son will not behave no matter what I do

[TDMarie]

My 4 year old son will not behave no matter what I do.A little over a year ago his father moved out(he does not see him) and I started a full time job.Ever since he has been out of control.I have a hard time taking him any where.Even just for a walk, he runs away.In stores he constantly causes a scene,I had to take him shopping the other day to mall and I was so worried about him running away that I brought his carage,even then I couldn't control him.At home he absolutely will not listen,he steals things from around the house and hides them.He is also very disrespectful to myself and my mother, he will swear at us, he tells us that he hates us, yesterday even told me that he likes it when I get hurt.I have tried everything from time out to spanking him.Either way it does not work,not even for a minute he is just non stopHe also refuses to do anything but pee on the potty.For about 2 months he was completely potty trained and then he just stoppedThe sad part is that he is so smart and most of the time he is very empathetic to other peoples feelings.He sees a councler once a week.She said that he is craving attention but he gets attention.It seems like the only attention he wants is bad attention,I took him to be evaluated by the school board and because he doesn't have a learning disability they said that there is nothing that they can do for me.I love my son so much and since I am the only parent that he has now I want to do the best job that I can.I feel like I spend all of our time together yelling at him.Any advise would be apreciated.

[Haremiliana]

Something major could have happened, attention could be one of the reason that your son is behaving this way, maybe not from you but from others. Have you talk to the other parents maybe he is craving attention for a 'father figure', maybe when he sees other children with their dad. Try explain to him whats happening, spanking wouldn't solve anything (I trust you don't want to but you're so fed-up) talk him nicely it may take while but trust me it could be the only way out, I know his words may have hurt you but don't take it to heart. All the best, good luck.

[Trialanderror]

What is the before-and-after situation? Until age 3 did you stay home with him or who took care of him? And who is taking care of him during the day since you went back to fulltime work? And how do you re-connect after the work day? Are you alone with him for a bit?
When my 4-year-old son does not see his daddy for a month, he gets some kind of "female overload" and misses that strong voice in the background. If the dad is not available at all, I think it is important to let the little guys have access to some big guy world. I may be jumping to conclusions but my son always gets antsy if he is passed around between chit-chatting grandmothers and aunites. Plus all preschool and JK teachers are female. Sometimes they need a break.
It seems to me that your son is in a state of deep confusion and you can already help him by setting aside as much time as possible where he and you can have one-on-one time doing really simple things that allow him to communicate with you and vice versa. He needs to be calm enough and re-assured to accept the messages about proper behaviour. That might be a long process but try to re-connect. If he is very smart and sensitive, he might even feel self conscious about seeing a counselor. Hard to say. Make sure that you take the lead in parenting so he knows you will be the one whose expectations he has to live towards and that you will alos be the one who portects and guides and simply loves him, no matter what.

[TDMarie]

The only thing that is really different in the house hold from before I started to work is that his father is no longer here.  I went to school before I started working.  I was not full time,but he was use to me not being with him all of the time.  My mom watches him while I am at work.  We share an appartment with my mom and my step dad.  My step dad is really good about spending time with Nicholas.  As soon as I walk in the door at night he starts acting off the wall.  Sometimes it is really hard to handle, but I think that you are right I need to set aside time for just myself and him.  And I do try to do that but then he starts being so bad and their seems to be nothing that I can do.  Nothing seems to phase him.  Most kids when their bad get punished and they then behave for at least 10 minutes, but Nicholas is just non stop.  I feel like I am failing him.  And you are right I don't like to spank him, I know that it does not solve any thing and it certanly does not make him behave.  I will take your advise and start spending some more quality time communicating with him.  

[Trialanderror]

Hope it works out. Some children have difficulty with transitions in general or are overwhelmed by emotions - like missing you - and then express it in anger. Maybe it is just that and not the male role model thing. There have been times when my son felt overwhelmed by being in "the other household" and when I saw him again, he was really mad at me. During those minutes or hours I tried to stay especially calm and kept some distance until he came out of his shell of anger. Sometimes I just started to look at some of his toys until he would join in and we played for a while. Then all the anger was gone. Or, when he was smaller, we arranged that the transition would happen at a neutral place, not anyone`s home. Either outdoors at a playground or at a coffee shop. That worked very well. And a bit later he would always tell me what had bothered him. It is not easy to tune in - but maybe a change of scenery might work, too,

[Haremiliana]

Have anything change so far?  For the better of course. Keep posting.

Love Haremiliana