My 5 year old says his dad is mean

My son is 5 and lives with me and always has. About a year and a half ago his father took a serious interest in him and we made arrangements for visitation etc. His father married about a month after. I also am in a serious relationship with plans of marriage in the future. My concern is when its time for visitation with his dad, over the past few months he has said he doesnt want to go that he wants to stay with me, but I always encourage him to see his dad and tell him how much fun he may have, and I did ask why he feels this way and he said he just misses me and doesnt want to leave me. Now over the past 3 times he has been going over there, (he goes every other weekend) he complains daddy is mean to me and sometimes he teases me and says daddy spanks but then says he is joking. I explained the seriousness of telling the truth and not lieing about things like that but it is ok to always tell me and that he will always have my trust. I feel that he does feel his dad is mean but maybe not that his dad is being mean. This weekend he told his faather's mother his dad was mean, he told me, repeatedly and he also told my boyfriend on the phone tonight, when i wasnt around his dad is mean. I think his feelings are serious and he is trting to tell me something but when I asked him to tell me how he is mean, he says its a secret and he forgot. Ive tredded on these grounds lightly because he sometimes teases and sometimes he quite a manipulator but I am concerned. I have not seen any signs of abuse physically but I need some guidance and I would like for someone to give me suggestions about signs of verbal or emotional abuse and the signs and symptoms for this particular age and gender, because he is crying a lot these days over simple things and even his teacher when I asked her she said he really struggles with his emotions and moving forward from a negative moment, whether regarding discipline, or peer rejection, mostly discipline which has been enforced after several warnings. I am confused and trying to figure it out without freaking out. Is this normal? Am I normal? :)
Please respond and if you are going through this, please respond.

[jdtm]

Could you speak to the paternal grandmother?  Would she have more insight into what might be happening, but be careful, it is her son that you are questioning (in other words, don't accuse anyone of anything - just that your son is upset after returning home from visiting his father - something his teacher also noticed).    Just a thought ...

[concernedmom2276]

I did and she is concerned the same way as I am, thats what makes me nervous. I am going to schedule an appointment with his pediatrician, because out of family and online info, I cant get an understanding of this behaviour. Its not out of the norm, I guess but all the adults in his life, none of us get it. We go back and forth with could it be this or this, and at this point I think a proffessional may guide me in the right direction to get the answers we need. I think his dad is stern and may try to get him to behave more masculine, but not in excessive, and because dad is newer on the scene, its not as nice as momma or as loving but... and maybe to him thats mean OR maybe he is just mean. It's complicated, but we shall see what the doc says first.

[puprock97]

Well, a lot of the time when children are molested, the molester says to keep it a secret. You said you saw no signs of physical abuse. Maybe you should cut off your sons contact with his father. As for the spanking, I'm not sure.
Tell your son that you can help if he tells you what his dad does. Tell him you can make his dad nice if he tells you what dad does.

[penswriter]

like puprock said molesters do tend to tell their victims that it's a secret, they'll get in trouble, they (the bad person) will hurt someone they love such as mom, sister, brother, aunt, cat, dog, they may blame it on the child making them feel as though they did something wrong and so on.

definitely get to the pedi and let your son know that no matter what he's not in trouble and some secrets are worth telling. that bad secrets don't count.

good luck.

[lisa0122]

my kids do the same thing, there dad didnt bother with them most of theri life and jsut this past year decided ot come into their life so theyve been going every other weekend however they always tell me hes mean and they dont want to go, theyve cried whe ni tell them its daddy's weekend and they say they want to stay with me and they miss me too much, and they will say how many sleeps do we have to stay, and i tel lthem only 2 sleeps and they get upset. when they were saying these things i was upset, and worried and didnt want to send them at all. they tell me everything though, i wil lask them why do you feel like hes mean, what kinds of things make a person mean? and they willsay because he has these rules, and tells us to do this and that...i know he is pretty strict with them, and doenst let them get away with anything, where at home im not as strict as him. so maybe that why, maybe theyre jsut used to me and being with me 24/7 and daddy is different. if they really dont want to go and cry and get upset and stressed out over it i dont send them, i will call him and tell him they dont want to come and explain to him why they say they dont want to come, this way he will fix it for next time...and know that this is how they feel when they visit so if he wants them to want to visit than he needs to do something about it. I hope for you that it is not a bad situation, and that maybe its just that he is new to his life now and dfferent parenting style than yours.  but if your child is that worried and upset than i would not send him. your the mom you know best and you also are responsible for what happens right, even though he is at dads...you make the call wether its a safe environmnet and how bad would you feel if your son was saying these things...and you sent him anyway, and something bad happend, you would totally feel so guilty for being the one to have sent him anyway right? and how about your child he may start to feel some way about you for making him go into this environment even after hes been trying to tel lyou what he feels about it and that he doesnt want to go. thats how i felt about it... even though hes dad your child is with you and always has been, you know what is best.

[unhappymum]

Hi
Just like to share something with you. I was bullied into agreeing to 50/50 custody with my ex who was verbally and emotionally abusive to me of our son who was 6 months old at the time and he has defended this agreement vehemenently, right down to the last minute, since that day, and our son is now five years old. I was always a good mum and my son and I have a strong bond, and despite all the heartache and ongoing abuse from my ex, I do try very hard to talk positively about him in front of my son. The seperation anxiety that my son and I have endured over the years was intense, and at times my son was the only thing that kept me living, as I wanted to die because the pain was and still is so strong, I even still cry now just thinking about it. I dont know how anyone could want to tear a child away from a loving mother, but that is exactly what has happened. Many times my son has cried and begged me not to take him to his fathers, even a few times in front of his father who he is clearly afraid of, he has clung to me and said he wants to stay with me. The father will not budge and does not care despite all the heartache it causes. For instance he works nightshift on his week with our son, and refuses to let me, his mother, look after him while he is on nigh shift, instead he sends him to his sisters, and it agonises me. Any way, I have gone off the track, this morning when I went to take him back to his fathers, he told me he wished he could stay with me all the time, and I have heard this before - I told him I wished he could be with me all the time too but I guessed that wouldnt be very fair on his dad. He agreed, but then he said "I wish dad was dead and then I could stay with you". What on earth do you say to that? I said that it wasnt very nice to say and that his father loved him. He went quiet after that...I just dont know what to do, I think I and my son need counselling. Its obvious that the conflict between us has hurt our son deeply, and the seperation anxiety and guilt I feel every day must be affecting him too - regardless of how hard I try and make it positive for him, and try hard to keep the peace with my nasty ex..nothing changes. I just wish that someone, any other mother out there understood what this is like to endure..I wish that I could help my son..