My 5 year wont get involved

Hi there

I need advice on my 6 year old son. He is very shy and very reluctant to do any clubs. He crys at everything and will not get involved. He is OK one on one but does not like getting involved with bigger groups. We have started to take him to clubs at the weekend such as rugby and he refuses to get involved. We are perservering but it is hard and we are not sure if we are doing the right thing. At the weekend he would not have his photo taken at a professional photographers so we have started to discipline him. Is this the right thing to do?

[specialmom]

Hi.  Do you think that your son may have some social anxiety?  Many do and it makes this group interaction difficult and uncomfortable.  I don't think disciplining him is the right course of action.  If it is an internal feeling that he can't help----------  is he really doing something wrong?  He is just not doing what you want him to do.  Is it his idea to be on a team or yours?  Perhaps your boy is quieter in nature and would rather do other things.  Swimming is a good sport that you can be on a team but it is individual. Same with tumbling and gymnastics.  Also karate.  You might look into more of those type of activities.   I think we encourage our kids but at the same time we need to make them feel okay with who they are.  We can do a lot of damage by sending a message that there is something wrong with them for not being who you want them them to be.  Your little guy is not comfortable being in the "mix".  That is okay.  Help him but don't chastise him.  

I'd amp up the one on one play dates.  And then add in two kids to the mix and see how that goes.  But you need to be a safe person to him that builds his confidence.  Praise him for any effort he makes-------- any effort at all.  

And if you start to see anxiety taking a toll or moving into other areas of his life, then I would seek some professional help to intervene.  good luck

[BaileyJB]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I don't think he is naughty, he is actually a very well behaved clever litte boy. But he literally wont get involved in anything. Even at pre school he would not use the toilets there for ages because other children were there, he would rather wet himself. I took him to swimming lessons and he screamed the place down. I would imagine it is social anxiety I just do not know how to get him to be more confident. I always have friends round to play and one on one he is fine. I praise him very often and he knows he is loved. Do you think I should not do any group things with him at all? I worry that he wont have friends growing up or any hobbies but hate the thought I am not doing everything I can for him.

[jdtm]

I agree with specialmom - I suspect (strongly) that social anxiety is the issue.  It is not unusual for children with SA to not use public washrooms or not want their photographs taken or to not want to participate in team sports - is your son able to speak at school, eat at school, use the washroom at school, learn at school and interact with the other children/adults - please address these questions to your son's teacher.  If he is unable to do some of the above, then you are dealing with anxiety and not shyness.  Children who are "shy" can function in social settings; children with "anxiety" are not able to functionwell in social settings.

Specialmom has given you some excellent suggestions - a therapist would call these "intervention techniques"; in reality, you are just teaching your child how to socialize as he is unable to pick these techniques up without help.  He is not "reluctant"; he just needs help in understanding how to deal with social situations (this is extremely difficult for him).  There's lots and lots of information on the internet - try googling "social anxiety and children" or "how to help an anxious child" or "anxiety behaviors in children" or similar words/phrases to learn more about this issue.  There are also tons of books which can help you - on the internet, in bookstores or your public library system (perhaps even the school library).  One more thing - if your son is not speaking at school to either/or his peers or the adults, please write back.  This is a behaviour common to those with severe social anxiety and I can then direct you where to get help.  It also is highly treatable.

Anxiety is a very common issue with children and highly treatable although it takes a lot of patience and understanding and time (and we're talking years, not months).  But, the outcome can be wonderful.  All the best ...

[BaileyJB]

Thank you very much.

He is able to speak at school and eat and use the toilet there and he learns well. I have spoken to his teacher and she says there is a big improvement so I am hoping it is not severe. I will take advice and research social anxiety. I think I need to be more patient with him.

Thanks again.

[allmymarbles]

If your son is not a very sociable type, do you really think it is wise to force him to do the very thing he does not like - join groups? This may be the very thing that causes his anxiety. Why not let him be as he is? He is just a little fellow who has to develop in his own way. Yes, be patient.