My 6 yr old still poops his pants.

[SCavender05]

My son is 6 years old. He was potty trained since before he was three years old. Since around 5 however, he has been messing his underwear. Few and far between at first, but now more frequently (nearly every day). Nothing especially significant that I know of has changed in his life to cue this issue. His mother and I have been separated since he was 2. He is an all around happy, healthy, smart boy. He isn't constipated and he is aware that he needs to go. I ask him if it's accidental, if he feels it when he needs to go and he consistently tells me that he does know, but he just doesn't. I ask if he is scared to go. "No." If it hurts to go. "No." I ask if he knows before he has accidents that he needs to go. "Yes." I ask if he feels it in his belly and butt before he has accidents. "Yes." I ask why he doesn't go before the accident. "I don't know." So, he's not constipated, doesn't have diarrhea, and is fully aware when he needs to go. He just refuses to go, and lies about needing to, and doesn't mention it when he has an accident. I only know if I actually make him go and check. I've discussed, consoled, supported, and even punished him for it. I understand in certain cases, punishment is a negative option, but he knows perfectly well that he's doing it. It's not a control issue, he just doesn't want to stop what hes doing to use the bathroom. Just today he ruined two pair of undies within a few hours, each time I had long discussions with him and punished him. Nothing seems to get through. I need help!

[jemma116]

I have 7 grandchildren and 3 of the grandsons went through a phase like this.  The older one of the boys was the worst and this had a lot to do with psychological issues.  The one grandchild (a girl)  that had a problem with this  type of thing had also been from a split relationship.  Her parents split up when she was 2 and it was heart breaking to here her ask why she was not living with both her parents like her cousin.  She would hold on to her faeces to the point that she would get constipated and bleed.

The things we as parents cannot control in a child is, eating, sleeping and emptying their bowels.  

You may find the article in the link below of interest.
http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2014/09/child-doesnt-poop-solving-constipation-death-spiral.html

You may also find reading Sygmund Freud's theory on "Conflict in the anal stage" of interest.  Zymund Freud was a child psychologist.
According to Freud's theory, very simply put, rewarding a child with good toilet habits will help encourage the child to use the toilet when he should.

They don't always pee in the pants,   Peeing in the pants can happen separately as well as at the same time as emptying (or trying not to empty) the bowels.

Because you and your wife are separated, albeit since your son was 2 years of age, there comes a time as the child is able to think for himself and the question is highly likely to be "Why is my mum and dad not living together?"  Children notice this when they go to school and see other friends live with their mum and dad.

Holding on to his urine and/or his faeces is his way of being in control.

Because your son started to have these "mishaps" soon after the age of 5, it is highly likely to be a psychological issue.  

Do reassure him that both you and his mother love him and that it is NOT his fault that you live apart.  Young children blame themselves when their parents are not together.  Make sure you show him affection as well as tell him from time to time that you do love him.  When he does use the toilet successfully, do praise him.

Does he have these "mishaps" when he is with his mother too?

Both you and your wife need to work together and support each other with regard to your son's toilet "mishaps".    Never argue with your wife in front of your child and never talk bad things about your wife in front of your child.

Should there be no signs of improvement over the next few weeks, it would be wise to get him checked out by the doctor and also consider getting your child to see a school child psychologist.

Ask your son about school, which subjects he likes/dislikes, the teachers and his classmates and any friends.  Do this carefully and in a way that does not sound like you are cross examining him.  This will help you to find out if he is unhappy or has a problem at school.

There may be an underlying psychological problem that your son may need help with.

Do remember that it will take time to get your son to use the toilet without prompting and reminding and there still may be times when he just "holds on" and then messes his underwear.  Make sure that you always have clean underwear for him to change into, after his bottom is wiped and showered clean.

Let me know how you get on.
Best wishes.

[RockRose]

So he's not urinating in his underwear also?

If he goes to the toilet to urinate,  I think you can rule out the thought that he's just not willing to interrupt play to use the toilet.

I also think that although he says he feels it in his belly and butt before he has to go,  that may be seconds before it happens.

I have a brother and a nephew that had encopresis,  and they sound just like you son.  My brother is now in his 50's,  great guy,  and my nephew is in his 20's,  also great guy.  Each of them would have answered the way your son has answered to questions,  and the parents were frustrated to distraction with their apparent desire to poop their pants.

Not so.  It was encopresis.  In both cases,  when bran was added to cereal,  or citrucel,  the behavior stopped.

Best wishes.

[jemma116]

You are not alone.  A lot of young children go through this phase.
You have done the right thing to "rule" things out.  He has admitted to you that he is aware of the sensations of when he needs to go to use the toilet, but decides to "hold" on.  And by doing this, the body gets to the point that it cannot "hold" on any longer and then he loses control.

Basically it comes down to the child not wanting to miss out on what is happening at the time.

You need to watch him very carefully (discreetly so he is not aware of you observing him).  As soon as you notice he starts to wriggle, fidget or move about, tell him to go and sit on the toilet.  If he refuses, tell him again.  If he refuses and says he does not want to go, pick him up and sit him on the toilet.

If he is watching a TV programme or playing a game, switch the television off.  Take away his "entertainment".  

You could also give him advance warning first that if he does not go and sit on the toilet then you will switch the TV off (take his game away).  If you are able to put whatever he is watching/paying a computer game on "pause", then do that.

Works every time.