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My 7 year old has aggresive(aggressive) and angry tantrums...
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My 7 year old has aggresive(aggressive) and angry tantrums...

My daugher is 7 years old and has always been a very demanding child at home. When she is at school or anywhere else but home is the best child. She does not act out. She is the perfect most respectful child at school but at home she has a hard time being respectful. About two times a month she will have these tantrums when she doesnt get her way where she will hit me, kick me, scream in my face. She will even hit my husband. We try to put her in her room to calm down and she kicks her door and throws all of her stuff all over her room. She screams that she hates me. We have tried everything we know of to help her deal with these angry outbursts. We have tried taking privledges away from her, we have tried getting her to calm down when we can tell one of her tantrums is coming on. She goes from she can go from happy to extermely angry in about 60 seconds. Her excuse for the way she acts she says "I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it and you dont let me" It makes me so sad to see her so angry and not know how to deal with it.  She really is a good child she just has this anger that she does not know how to deal with. What should we do for her?
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535822_tn?1389452880
Sometimes it works to walk in a childs shoes , see what is going on in her head, what happens prior to the tantrums,as she is good at school something triggers her behavior at home, has she got any siblings ,as friction there can be the cause.Before she has a tantrum is there any way you can accomodate her request, it does sound like a child/parent interaction difficulty. It very often works with children if you give them choices not demands...Do you want to brush your teeth now or after your Bath, instead of 'Brush your teeth now' which will inevitably be met with a 'No'  Avois the tantrum in the first place, distraction works well, it sounds as if the tantrum starts with you then Dad comes into the picture and takes over. Nip it in the Bud before this happens.Good Luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I just joined  afew hours ago... and your little girl sounds exactly like my little boy. I have very much the same issues. My little boy hasn't gotton to the hitting me(yet). I wonder if it is a stage that they go through. Although mine started quite a few years ago and it has gotton worse. I wish I had some advice for you, all I can think of is just try everything.Something has to work sooner or later...I fell your pain
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Avatar_n_tn
I just joined because I feel like crying. My daughter goes wild with her tantrums, throwing things around and talking back. I know she has a problem with her younger brother and is extremely jealous of him, but I have told her many times over that I love her as much as I love him. It seems to make no difference to her. Even if i hug him she comes running and pushes him away.
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Avatar_f_tn
The same is happening with my grandson who will be 7 in Oct my heart is hurting so bad for him ...........my daughter has no patience, drinks and takes antidepressants my grandson hits, gets mad, upset very easy, cries very easy like he is trying to be tough and cant OMG this poor child ............both parents drink my daughter seeks counsel for her impatience but I dont believe she tells the counselor about all the drink she does the parents have joint custody w/my daughter as primary their both losers  and I cant do nothing our justice system *****.......................
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Avatar_f_tn
Your daughter sounds exactly like my son who likes everything his way! We both need help i sometimes cant stand him especially when he hits me
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Avatar_f_tn
When I read your post I felt like I was reading about my son. I just dealt with a tantrum earlier that was started by the frustration of homework. Second grade has been a real tough adjustment this year. I hate homework time. After he calms down he understands that his behavior was unacceptable but I am tired of the psychology and have tried everything but nothing works. We are considering a behavioral therapist to help with his anger outburst. Our children need to learn how to deal with their anger otherwise I fear for the future. It's funny my son throws these tantrums and outburst when after he calms down and does his homework he completes his homework in 10 minutes with no trouble. I just don't understand.......
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Avatar_f_tn
I totally feel you.  My daughter is 6 and the exact same way.  She just started hitting and shoving us a couple of weeks ago.  It started with screaming and refusing to go to time out and has quickly gotten worse.  She has started hitting her younger 4 yr. old brother when we step out of the room.  Last weekend she kicked him in the face and left a bruise.  I am scared to leave them alone together out of fear of what might happen. Her father thinks that spanking her more will correct the problem.  I strongly disagree.  I feel that there is something really wrong.  Other times she is the sweetest, prettiest, smartest little girl.  I have been calling different child pyschologist all morning and have yet to get one to call me back.  I'm so worried about what's wrong.
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Avatar_f_tn
I thought I was the only Mother in the world with a 7 year old son who still takes tantrums & has aggressive traits.
My husband & I are at our wits end & need help & to know we are not alone...
This evening for example my son stole his sisters battery operated car outside & we asked him to give it back to her (as she was sobbing about it and he had his own to drive to begin with) and he lost it. His grandparents were over & we usually keep the battery operated cars at their house & they brought them to us so the kids could use them at home. He ran over to his sister and pushed her so I immediately reacted and took both motorized cars & began putting them back on the truck to take back to my in-laws house. He started screaming a high pitched scream, bawling uncontrollably, running back and forth, jumping up & down, & throwing other toys. When we finally got them back on the truck he jumped on the back and tried to throw them off the side. My husband got him down & he jumped inside, grabbed the keys and ran away. My father in-law ran after him and got the keys but then he jumped on the roof and stood up as the truck was in motion. It took 2 of us to get him down & hold him back while my in-laws could drive out of the driveway (so that they wouldn't run him over by an accident with him jumping on the back & the roof). After they left we carried him in the house & asked him to get in the bathtub; still having a fit he refused and went as far as spitting in his Father's face. I immediately physically took him to the bathroom and put him in the tub but he pulled my hair, kicked me in the stomach (I have medical issues and am going through tests relating to stomach issues so it really hurt) and kicked & pulled the shower curtain off... I had to walk away. I got my keys and took a drive and when I came back my husband was soaked with water from trying to keep him under control in the bathroom. My son was in bed but still sobbing- a lot calmer than before & did say he was sorry for pulling my hair. Not once was he sorry for the entire fit, no compassion for other people's feelings, no remorse for being physically & verbally aggressive (about NOTHING)! He often blames other people for his actions- it's ALWAYS our fault if he acts this way. He can never see that he was in the wrong and WHY he was being punished for something. He didn't remember even pushing his sister and didn't feel at all like it was a bad thing to do. This is just an example of what we deal with a few times a month but it's just not something I can handle much longer. We ground him and take things away but it's not working!
NOW with saying all of this I need to mention that he WILL NOT do this in public. Only at home or at his grandparents house. He accepts the word no in stores & doesn't make a scene at all. At home however he can't deal with being told no or to stop doing something or even to help around the house with chores. He IS one of the best behaved kids in his class. His last report card was amazing; straight A's & his teacher even wrote that he was one of the best kids she has ever taught. I am VERY confused! I don't think he has ADHD or ODD because it isn't an every day occurance (not this type of tantrum anyway). It happens a few times a month but it shouldn't happen (like tonights episode) at all in a 7 year old boy (in my opinion). I am a nurse and work in the mental health field so I see many disorders and this isn't a familiar one to me. Am I alone here?!?! Am I doing something wrong? I can't ignore his behavior when he is jumping on moving cars or hurting other people! It's impossible to ignore that type of behavior or walk away from it. Advice???
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Avatar_f_tn
I forgot to mention that he plays the guilty card after these tantrums. For instance, he will make it sound like we physically hurt him during a tantrum (we don't even spank him as a punishment) because in the midst of a fit we have to physically pick him up out of harms way and he is kicking and throwing himself around to the point of hurting himself & then will say WE did it to him. He ALWAYS blames other people... He never takes responsibility for his actions. He will blurt out things like, "you just hate me!" It's almost like he blacks out... He becomes a whole different kid who you can't reason with AT ALL! He's not a bad kid at all on most days but he is really having a hard time with disipline & the word, "no." It would be easier to ignore if he didn't put himself in harmful situations or hurt other people in these fits (especially his 2 year old sister who he has NO tolerance for what so ever).
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi everyone, I too have an angry 7 year old. He has a past filled with physically and verbally abusing his sibling and parents. He seems almost a jekyll and Hyde, so out of control then followed by remorse and self hate. We have been going through a program called brainhighways.com and read several articles from the cortex parent that have been of great help. We are not all better, but I finally have hope for a prosperous future. I hope you may as well.
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Avatar_m_tn
      Thank you for sharing.  I will have to look that site up.  Has ADHD also been explored with him?
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Avatar_f_tn
I have a friend who's 6 yr old son is in.a state of almost constant fits of rage. I saw this in person when she came to stay with me for a month.
If he asks for something and does not get it immediately, like a refil of water at dinner, he will scream, yank his moms hair, spit, kick and throw things.
Im not exagerating. The moments of this child being calm or kind is SO rare.
My friend is considering placing him up for adoption as she has found nothing has helped her son. No amount of consistancy is working and his behaviors are getting worse.
He demands to be in control and uses agression to get his way. My friend took TV out of his room last week. He has never been allowed to watch.violence and the TV removal was explained that it is a privilege that will be earned back by obedience and appropraite behavior/respect.
I do not know how I can encouage my friend to not give up. My son also had extreme fits of rage yet I was determined to reach his heart. God answered my prayers regarding my son, whom we adopted at 10 days old. His behavior really started to improve, when my attitude did and by me staying calm. He and I talked alot. I realized he understood more than.I expected a child to.
That being said, my friend is a single mom, no support system whatsoever and does not drive.
She is 47 with raging , just turned 6 yrs old, and she has had 2 nervous breakdows.
She lives 5 hours from me. She doesn't have internet. She has read many books on this subject but even drs do not know what to do or what is the root. The child is spoiled in terms of getting what he wants and frequent shopping sprees.

Any advice??
Thanks
Isabella
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Avatar_m_tn
    It may be that her idea of consistency is not quite ideal.   To change behavior at  this age the response has to be immediate and consistent (and fairly short).  For example, taking away the TV of a 6 year old and expecting him to think in advance of a future action based on something he can't see - just won't work.  And the violence on the TV is not why he acts the way he does.  
   He has learned what works for him and how to get what he wants. Its part of the being spoiled.  
   The book "Raising Lions" by Joe Newman deals with kids who are like this (and much worse), so she might want to pick it up.   If she goes to his web site and subscribe to his newsletter you can get $3.00 off the book.  The site is http://raisinglions.com/   .  Although, you might have to buy the book for her.  Its not too expensive $15 if you don't subscribe to his newsletter.  And you might enjoy it.  Hope this helps.
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Avatar_m_tn
look into children with High Anxiety, It is VERY common.. Adults act out in road rage, or quick to anger, is a trigger in the brain, that does not deal well with changes all party of Anxiety.. My 7 year old daughter was adopted and her birth mom was using Meth during her pregnancy. We took our daughter to a Pediatric Neurologist, and he told us that ADHD can mimic Anxiety, and that for us not to put her on any ADHD medication, but to deal with her anxiety with medication... we are in the process of doing this.. and meeting with a counselor weekly for her...
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello,

We are dealing with an aggressive seven year old as well and it has really helped to . . . change our constant demands upon him. Turn down the heat of argument. We have had to learn how to calm down ourselves and to try to stop being violent IN OUR WORDS to him. (We do not spank him; we tried that: an absolute disaster. It only enraged and insulted him further, which makes sense. If you were upset and someone hit you, would it calm you down? Those old punishments that many of us experienced as children don't really work, especially now that the stress level for most people tends to be much much higher than when we were young . . . ) It has been a steep learning curve, but we are beginning to see some changes. But the change had to come from us; it wasn't really his fault at all. He is a sweet, loving kid, despite some really awful behaviours. Like many parents, we are so busy; we are so stressed out much of the time; we make demands upon him without even realizing that we are doing so. Five, six, seven is still very small; he's been too small, is still too young, to articulate how insulted and hurt he feels by two bossy, often rushed adults. And we DO let him make his own decisions etc---but after a good hard look at our lives, I realized that we (esp me, I'm the mother) needed to change how we treat him. We needed to slow down. Talk to him with more kindness and empathy. Be more empathic to ourselves. I've decided to be gentler to everyone, myself included.  He is just frustrated with us, as we are with him. And life should be more joyful and sweeter than this with a little kid!  He's so good at being happy when he has enough space to be happy and feel free. A book I've found INCREDIBLY helpful is Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids. Order it! Buy it! It will help you be compassionate to yourselves and to your troubled child. The focus is on nonviolent communication---look that up as well, you'll discover how language can be as violent as hitting. Another great book that has really helped is called Connected Parenting. Good luck everyone. Good love  . . . Our children are worth the work . . .
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