My 8 Year Old Daughter Just BIT her BFF!

[JennaDarby]

My 8 year old daughter, who has always been very well behaved and never had any kind of emotional or behavioral issues, recently BIT her best friend, a 7 year old, who spends quite a bit of time with us for playdates, cheerleading practice and sleepovers.  They usually play wonderfully and have been friends for 4 years.  My daughter is basically an only child (she does have an older sister but she is 15 years older so they only lived together when she was a toddler).  Her friend has a new baby sister, 7 months old.  When I asked her what happened because her friend had a big welt and purple bruise on her arm, my daughter said, "She was ignoring me so I bit her." You BIT her?  Omg!  I immediately pulled her pants down and spanked her butt right there in the driveway.  Then I told her how horrible what she had done was and I was embarrassed and ashamed of her for this behavior. She balled.  Her friend did not cry, but the arm was very sore and bruised and red.  I took her friend inside, put ice on the injury, sat her down to watch cartoons and texted her mom a photo of the bite and explained what happened...then I brought her home and did not let my daughter have the planned sleepover.  I also took away her iPad for a week and grounded her from any playdates for 2 weeks.  Her friend is supposed to get off the bus with us Mon-Thurs for cheer practice bcuz her mom works so I drive them to practice and she brings them home...and they have always sat together on the bus to school in the a.m.  Her friends Grandma is our bus driver. This morning Grandma was reluctant to give me her friends cheer bag and to allow her friend to come over this afternoon, which I completely understand...and she also would not allow them to sit together today bcuz she cannot keep an eye on them while she's driving.  Her friend sat with her little head down looking sad and my little brat skipped down to the middle of the bus and sat with other kids laughing and smiling like nothing.  I am worried that she does not understand how horrific what she did is!  I am worried she will do this again!  Her friends mother just told me she ALSO spit water at her friend at cheer practice the 1st week, right in front of the Coach!  Noone told me about this or Id have reprimanded her for sure!  I have ALWAYS gone over bad behavior, teasing, bullying and sticking up for others if you see it or telling an adult with my daughter...and several times when she was younger she did tell when she saw teasing...I thought she was the good kid!  I am just beside myself over this and am not quite sure how to handle it.  I don't know what on earth would have made her do these things...spitting and biting!  And to her best friend who is such a nice kid!  Does she need to see a behaviorist?  Any advice would be sincerely appreciated...

[jemma116]

I agree with the previous posters that you did right in sanctioning and making it clear to your daughter that this behaviour is unacceptable.  Perhaps one sanction for a shorter duration may have been sufficient, but you know your daughter best.

Spanking is giving your daughter the wrong message.  Perhaps this is what you as a child experienced and learned this from your parents.  Try and break that cycle.   Physical punishment gives the message that I can hurt you if you hurt me, it does not teach how to change that behaviour nor does it teach your daughter how she could have got her friend's attention in a different way.  Perhaps her friend was ignoring her because she didn't hear or was in a "day dream".  If she was ignoring her deliberately, then that is not very nice either.  It does not physical pain, but certainly emotional.

You have "punished" your daughter and I am sure that she has got the message that what she did was wrong.  She has now put that aside and is getting on how any child should as if nothing happened and being happy.

I feel the reason that her friend is holding down her head is because she is sad that the two are not being allowed to be together.  They do need to have the opportunity to make up and for your daughter to apologise to her friend about biting her arm if she has not already done this.  This will also give her friend an opportunity to understand that by ignoring your daughter it did hurt your daughter emotionally and hopefully they will be able to put this aside and move on and enjoy each others friendship and company again for many years to come.

Hope they do make up.

Best wishes.

[specialmom]

To me, it sounds like you covered the basis with the punishment.  Spanking, time out, sleep over canceled, no play dates and no ipad . . .   pretty well makes sure she knows this behavior is unacceptable.

Try to also let the two girls heal their friendship.  Biting is a big show of major frustration.  Unacceptable and you dealt with it.  But they are good friends.  Let them sit together on the bus, take her to cheer practice, etc. and stick to the other punishments you made.  Don't keep dwelling on that she did this . . .  I'm sure she gets it at this point that she made a really wrong choice . . .   and follow through on her grounding and items taken away. But don't keep piling on at this point.  We all make mistakes and our job as parents is to change behavior when it strays from what is appropriate.  I'm guessing you have done this!!  Job done!

You CAN talk to her about other ways to get her friends attention or to show her frustration.  Talk about what would have been better choices than that moment than getting physical with her friend.

And as to spanking, I always found that to be a mixed message.  You were mad because she hurt her friend so you hurt her.  I think the other things you also did were better choices.  I understand the gut reaction to spanking but have found it to be less effective as a teaching tool than the other things.  good luck

[MarkLakewood3367]

I think that getting to the core of exactly why she is engaging in these behaviors needs to occur to understand your daughter's motives.  She stated on one occasion that she bit her friend because she felt like she was being ignored.  Perhaps this issue needs to be addressed further in terms of role modeling appropriate responses to being ignored.  Also, helping her use her words to confront the ones who she perceives is ignoring her would be a good start.

I understand your anger and frustration given this situation.  I think that you have a very good daughter who, like everyone else, from time to time, makes some bad choices.  However, I would stay completely away from any discipline that imposes violence such as spanking.  After all, you are disciplining her for acting out violently.  Therefore, a violent-type discipline may only encourage the violence as she will come to understand violence as a means to deal with conflict.