My 8-year-old daughter seems to be losing friends

[faxmom]

Hi, there. I am the proud mom of a beautiful 8-year-old daughter who has always had a lot of charisma. She has always had a strong personality, but her friends have just seemed to fall in line to be with her. We used to have to limit her playdates, because everyone wanted to play with her so often. Lately (past three months or so), however, it seems that one-by-one, they are starting to have play dates with one another and leaving her out. In fact, friends who met through her are getting together. When I ask her who she plays with on the playground and who she eats lunch with, it seems that she "skips" around to various groups, and her primary group of friends sticks together. When I brought her to a birthday party the other night, it was at a waterslide, and the girls were supposed to "stay together." Alli spotted a friend of hers and enthusiastically asked if she could be with them. They said, "No....we're already each other's partner." The same thing happened with another friend was she used to be very close to until recently. I could see the disappointment in her eyes. It broke my heart. There seems to be a pattern here, and when I have observed her with a couple of friends, it seems that they roll their eyes at things she does and says, and they just don't treat her that respectfully. I'm wondering if you can shed any light on the situation or give me any advice to help her. I can see that she's trying very hard to be a nice friend, but they truly don't seem that interested. Your advice is greatly appreciated. I love this kid. Not only is she smart and beautiful, she has a good and generous heart.

[jainlor]

my 9 year old daughter doesn't do well on the playground at school.  She has expressed many times that she doesn't "fit in" with this group of girls.  Should I consider switching schools or leave her in this school for the next 5 years with the 9 girls that she doesn't seem to connect to

[umom]

I am also a proud mom of beautiful 9 year old girl with lots of charisma and is very kind hearted.  I know what it is like to see your daughter get her heart broken from friends.  Girls can be very mean at times and some of this behavior is very normal for girls. When my daughter goes through tough times with her friends such as rolling of the eyes or being left out, I try to think back to my childhood and what it was like growing up with girlfriends;(it opens my eyes so much to help her).  I have found my daughter will say she really doesn't a have a certain friend at school she plays with, but when I visit her school she is quite popular, very social and has lots of friends.  Although, when it is time to find a partner she is often left out because she is so social and doesn't have one individual friend she plays with and her fealings get hurt.  I have friends with daughters a few years older than mine and sharing some of thier experience is very helpful.  I'm sure there is lots more to come in the junior high age this is just the beginning.  

[faxmom]

Thank you so much for your comments. This sounds exactly like my daughter's situation. It's so helpful to hear from another mom who has had similar observations. Thank you so much for taking the time to write.

I had a brief conversation with my daughter's teacher, and she said that my daughter is well-liked by her peers, and she has not seen any changes with peer relationships that would indicate a problem. So that was reassuring.

Again, I greatly appreciate your comments. I really does put my mind at ease.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

If you know any of the parents of her friends, you might ask them for some feedback. It is likely that your daughter is behaving in some off-putting fashion and you might not be aware of it. Now, it's important to remember that children, particularly girls, of this age are famous for having friendships with one other child and havig a diffcult time including a third (or fourth, fifth, etc.) child in the mix. This is part of a process of increasing their interest and investment in peers, and children of this age can have a hard time 'sharing' friendships. Having said that, it is clear by the girls' reactions that more is going on, and some of the parentsd may be able to shed some light on it. If your daughter is particularly friendly with one of the girls, she too might ask the question: How come some of the kids don't want to play with me?