My 9 year-old daughter and her behavior

[Michael L.]

I'm a single father raising my nine year old daughter.  I'm having a problem with her behavior and attitude.  She doesn't
listen and gets a attitude about anything she doesn't want to
do.  I'm constantly on her about her behavior and attitude. I've punished, spanked, yelled, talked and still things haven't changed.  From Sunday night to Friday evening I'm on her about
something that she knows she shouldn't be doing.  She stays with
her mother just about every weekend.  The general attitude of her
mother is "what do you what me to do, she lives with you".  As you can see I don't get much support from her.  She acts up in school and at home.  For the last couple of weeks, her behavior in school appears to have improved. At home it's still the same.

A typical day is her waking up and not wanting to get out of bed. After making her get out of the bed she has alot of attitude.  She moves very slowly and I'm constantly telling her to hurry up.  After getting dressed, her attitude starts changing from bad to ok to good.  On the way to school she's fine.  In the afternoon I will pick her up from the after-school program and she's fine. Once we get home, things start to change.
The attitude starts about something I tell to do. From there, I start the talking and yelling.  By now it's bedtime and everything is calm again. The next day, the cycle begins again.

I'm looking for suggestions on what else I can do.  HELP!!!

[tmc29]

A related discussion, My 9 year old daughter!! was started.

[jj1129]

A related discussion, 9 yr old girls was started.

[Marsha]

GIVE THAT GIRL A GOOD OLD FASHIONED SPANKING

[Nora]

The problem here is that the child will go aginst the father because moms not there.  I had a semiliar problem many years ago .  I was separated from my boys father,so my oldest decided to go against my every word. I did not see any doctor.  He would throw fits all the time, but I was able to control him myself without drugs in his system or any other medication.  I do not beleive that medicating a child is the answer.  You need to use other kinds of desiplinarys. Once you put the child on any kind of medication the child will get use to that medication and if they are off of it one day they go nuts. Like I said my son use to rebel against my every word. Parents need to be more responsible of ther own children and not cop out in being a parent.  Thats why theres mom and dad. To face up to the responsibilities of being a parent. By the way that child I was talking to you about is 14 years old now a
straight (A)student and just got the pesidential award at school he did it all his self with no drugs and I had the patients to do that.  Theres something my father always taught me was; if your going to be a parent take responsibilities of your own action or don't even bother in making a child.

[Nora]

The problem here is that the child will go aginst the father because moms not there.  I had a semiliar problem many years ago .  I was separated from my boys father,so my oldest decided to go against my every word. I did not see any doctor.  He would throw fits all the time, but I was able to control him myself without drugs in his system or any other medication.  I do not beleive that medicating a child is the answer.  You need to use other kinds of desiplinarys. Once you put the child on any kind of medication the child will get use to that medication and if they are off of it one day they go nuts. Like I said my son use to rebel against my every word. Parents need to be more responsible of ther own children and not cop out in being a parent.  Thats why theres mom and dad. To face up to the responsibilities of being a parent. By the way that child I was talking to you about is 14 years old now a
straight (A)student and just got the pesidential award at school he did it all his self with no drugs and I had the patients to do that.  Theres something my father always taught me was; if your going to be a parent take responsibilities of your own action or don't even bother in making a child.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Michael L.,

The behaviors you describe indicate not a simple behavior problem within the normal spectrum, but a flaw in the relationship between you and your daughter. All children are oppositional at times, but the extent you describe is beyond what would be regarded as normal.

It will be important to seek professional assistance by consulting with a child mental health or behavioral health clinician.

Right away, though, you can promote improved interaction by refraining from yelling and physical punishment. You can be firm about limits, and consistent in following through with them, while maintaining your equanimity.

Use the SEARCH function in this forum, and you can find many replies to questions about behavior, discipline, limit-setting. You may find some helpful ideas.