My 9 year old hit his friend

Recently, my son,"Jake" hit one of his best friends, "Vic". The two were playing raquetball. Jake's friend hit the ball and it knocked my son in the groin. Jake's reaction was to tackle his friend (very violently) and knock him to the ground. Vic immediately forgave my son and begged that he not be punished. Vic's parents later questioned Vic, at which point Vic informed them that Jake often hits him. When I asked my son whether or not he had ever hit Vic before, Jake stated that he had.  According to Jake when the two are playing games, Vic will jump on Jake's back (in play) and choke him. Jake, then, hits Vic when he is unable to get him to get off. My son has also hit Vic's sister once several months back. Both siblings (Vic and his sister) have been diagnosed with learning disabilities and Vic is thought to be a very high functioning autistic. I have seen my son calm Vic down when he(Vic) has begun to lose his temper and I have seen my son become very frustrated and angry with Vic when Vic is not reacting in a way that my son expects. Jake and Vic both love each other and regularly hug or hold hands or seek each other's company. Though recently, my son has begun seeking the company of some other children in the neighborhood instead of Vic's. And at one point stated that Vic was mean and he didn't want to be friends with him any more. I may have erred by not allowing my son to end his friendship, but I did so for Vic's sake, as the other children would choose Jake over Vic if they had to make the choice. Even now, when Jake does not play with Vic, Vic is alone. According to my son, he was feeling very frustrated with Vic and Vic's sister both times that he hit them.

But, my son has become bossy and can get frustrated if his directions are not followed by other kids.  My son seems to be sought out by most of the children in the neighborhood. He has recently told me that he has too many friends and he doesn't want that many. The children tend to try to spend a lot of time with me, as well. I'm something of the neighborhood mother hen and I think that may have something to do with why they also seek my son's attention. I'm worried about my son becoming a bully. I put him on two weeks restriction for hitting Vic's sister, but only one day restriction for hitting Vic because my son expressed great remorse for that and told me that he felt like dying for doing that to Vic. What should I do?  How can I make sure that my son does not become a bully (or that he is not one already)?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

There is no substitute for adequate supervision of young children's play. If you see that bullying or aggressive behavior is occurring, you should of course intervene and set very firm limits on it. Some children tend to be somewhat bossy and wanting to be in control of play; other children are more agreeable and not so interested in being in charge or having things their way. Children can be at the bossy end of the spectrum without being bullies, without coercing other children (particularly by the use or force or the threat of force). Also, be sure to inquire of neighborhood parents what they are witnessing in the children's interactions, and check also with your son'e teacher to learn about peer interactions at school. If he is diplaying bullying behavior, you'll likely hear about it from the teachers.