My Boyfriend's Son Views Me As Competition

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship together for 1yr and 1/2, and from day 1 we have been living together. Although I worried about how well his son(3 1/2 now) would adjust to me being there, everything went very well for a while. However, around the end of Oct. 2004 he started acting up and out. He aused us to fight by not listening to me, hitting me, and his son even tried telling my boyfriend that I hit him (because he is strictly against spankings) to get us into an argument. He finally stopped that when my boyfriend told me to get out and never come back, and when I went to pack his son started crying and confessed the whole thing was just to get more time with Daddy, and that he loved me and did not want me to leave. We talked to him and found that he was angry because my boyfriend had to work,(so I was watching him) so he tried to get my boyfriend to think that I was mean to him so he would stop working and spend time with him and then I would be the one working. So then My boyfriend and his son started going places like the park by themselves(at my suggestion) to attempt to regain thier absent Daddy & Son time. Instead of things getting better, they seemed to have gotten worse. For 6 months now, his Son begs him to sleep in his room, every night we have him(which is 5 days a week). Daddy has of course does even though he thinks that it is time for his son to start falling asleep on his own, and sleeping in his own bed. But if Daddy tries to sleep in our bedroom with me, his son screams and cries and won't go to bed until 4 or 5 AM! Plus he makes Daddy feel guilty by telling him he's mad and that he doesn't love Daddy for the rest of the time we have him. Needless to say, with his son thier 5 days and 4 nights per week. Between the time I work, he works, and the time that his son says he only wants to play with Daddy, or only with me, My boyfriend and I spend practically NO time together, and I am so frustrated that it is beginning to effect our relationship. I respect the fact that my boyfriend wants a good relationship with his son, and therefore will always choose his son over me. I finally snapped when my boyfriend told his son that they would sleep in our room and told me to sleep on the couch. So, it's not enough that my boyfriend's son has already taken back 85% of the time that I used to be able to spend with my boyfriend...now he is taking my bed with my boyfriend too??? I need my boyfriend to start showing me that he does want me here because I'm at the point where if they want to spend all of thier time alone except for when they want food or cleaning done, then they can live alone. I love them but why live here alone when I'm here to be with them... I could easily be alone somewhere else?
a)Am I overreacting? b)how can we get his son to want to start doing things all together as a family, but also sleeping in his own bed and without Daddy?
Thank you, M. Chmelicek.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

This is a very troubled situation. The status of the father-son relationship is impaired, as is the relationship between you and your boyfriend. This situation will not be resolved without professional help, and it may be beyond repair as far as any future for you and your boyfriend is concerned. If you want to try to salvage the situation, ask your boyfriend to seek help with you. If that does not occur, you may as well leave.

[sunshine143]

Hey hun, I hope I got your name right. You sound almost just like me except my boyfriend has 2 boys (6) and (9) and I have a 3 year old. All the boys will have their birthdays in August.

Well, trying to blend families in such a short time (11 months) has been a challenge. I was living with my honey after about 4 months or so because of his divorce. It's still not over but now the boys mom, my honey's not yet ex-wife, has gone away. That's what hard for the boys to take to me because she talked so bad about me and they were forced to chose. It's not right, but that's how it is.

Since she went away, dissapeared, we've gone into counseling together. Never, Never ,Never give a child that much control!!!!
The 6 year old and me bump heads, but he doesn't get all that control because he acts out. Change is inevatable(sp) it's not fair for your boyfriend to allow there to be that little "family time". If he plans on staying with you, you MUST be a part of everything.

My advice to you is to try consuling, it's not as bad as it sounds!! But it's clear his son is running the relationship. Also, spanking is the best thing you can do for your child. Who else is going to teach them? It's unfair for a child to have a friend, and not a parent. You are NEVER supposed to sleep with you children because even children need their space to grow up productivly. Is's good to have some father son time, but if you guys are trying to make a family, it won't work!!!

You need to ask you boyfriend what he wants from you. If you will never be as good as his son in his eyes, it won't work. Good luck, I hope I've helped a little. This has been a hard year for me to be a 23 year old single mother of 1 to a ready made family unit. Make sure it's what YOU really want!!!!!!!

[lovelymorning]

I have to say, I feel for you.  Sounds like a horrific situation.  I was in a similar situation when I lived with my boyfriend and his 4 year old son for a year.  He got him half the time.

One of the things that hurt me the most was when my boyfriend would sleep with his son at night.  I felt so abandoned!  I would actually have to cry myself to sleep.  It sounds silly, but things like that are really hurtful!  Especially when I remember when I was a child, and I was scared at night, my mother never slept with me, she still slept with her husband (my stepfather).  Sometimes I would go in quietly with my blanket and sleep on the floor if I got really scared.

Anyways, I can't offer a suggestion so much as comiserate.  I moved out after a year, I couldn't take it.  I felt left out too.  The boy was so needy, like your boyfriend's son sounds.  He CONSTANTLY needed attention.  Other kids I see, they are able to play with their toys or watch TV by themselves.  This kid needed someone with him ALL the time.  And we had a home business, so when I tried to work, he would purposely do all he could to bug me.  And if we told him to stop doing it he would just start doing it more.  And when it was time to try to have "fun" we would only do what the kid wanted to do.  And then when he went to his other house for a few days, my boyfriend would call him all the time and talk about how much he missed him.

I almost went crazy!  I needed a break.  So I moved out.  We kept seeing each other (only like every other weekend), but now I'm ready to move on.  This is impossible to deal with, and it's only going to get worse.  Think of how this kid is gonna be when he's a teenager!

UGH I wish these single parents had more backbone.  And all they can say to us is, "But it's just a child."  And feel all guilty and sorry for the child when we see him for what he really is, a SPOILED kid who gets away with MURDER.  Maybe I sound a little bitter, yes, but I HATE these situations.  I've learned my lesson.  I'm never going to date a man with a child again.  And any single childless people out there reading this, PLEASE wait till marriage to have kids, and then once you have them, STAY married, or if you divorce, stay single!  Otherwise it is just MISERABLE for EVERYONE!

[lovelymorning]

(Note: This is to no one in particular.  I just feel like ranting.)

If you're not mature enough to make it work with your baby's mother or father, you're not mature enough to be raising a child.  They teach SEX ED in school for a reason!  Or is it that spoiled kid thing where you want to do the exact opposite of what your parents and teachers tell you to do?  

Well the joke's on you, because YOU'RE the one who's going to suffer for it.  

It's not hard to not get pregnant if you don't want to.  This isn't the forties anymore!  How many forms of birth control are there out now?  Condoms, pills, IUD, Depo, Diaphram.  And if you can't afford it, there's a Planned Parenthood in almost every city.  Sorry, no more excuses.  So WHY do people still keep getting pregnant?  And then they complain, oh poor me, I'm a single parent, everyone bow down to me, feel sorry for me, I couldn't figure out how to use birth control.

And then once they have kids with someone they hardly even like, let alone love enough to marry, they get into relationships with people like me who are smart and responsible enough to wait, and who try to be understanding enough to put aside the fact that you had a child, and then it becomes a living hell for US!  WE are the ones who are punished.  Punished for trying to do things the RIGHT way!!!!  Why should people who were immature and irresponsible be rewarded, and people who do the responsible thing be punished?!?!?!

Should everyone just go around having kids with anyone?  Is that the kind of world we want to have?  Maybe I'll just go out to a bar tonight, get drunk, have sex with some guy and have a kid.  Maybe then everyone will feel sorry for me and start giving me benefits and then I can find some poor innocent guy and lure him into a relationship and make him support me and my spoiled bratty kid while I sit around on my *** watching soaps.

Apparently that's the thing to do these days!

[astros18]

Anytime you enter into a relationship in which your partner has a child, there are things to work out first, before you make a live in committment. The problem does not belong to the child it belongs to the adults in his life. If the relationship between parent and child is not a defined one or one that is healthy that is your first sign that your relationship will not work. We all have choices to make in life, most not easy, but you have to do what's best for you. The fact that your boyfriend is being a dad for his son and trying to do the best he can is a positive thing. Obviously he needs to work on that relatonship to make it a less manipulative one and healthier but it sounds like he is trying with his son.

[newbie1]

Wow, I am so glad i found this site.  I thought that I was the only person going through this.  My boyfriend has a 4 year old son and we have him 24 hours a day - 7 days a week.  The only time that my boyfriend and I have to ourselves is at night.....and most of the time he sleeps in his son's room.  I think that we have had 3 nights in the past year that we got to sleep all night, just the 2 of us.  I am starting to go out of my mind.  His son is starting to be a real pain.  He is incredibly fresh and disrespectful.  He hits and bites, but hardly gets any discipline.  My boyfriend tries to discpline him, but then his son cries and he cave in.  I never knew it was possible for a 4 year old to be so manipulative.  Now we have come to the point that my boyfriend can hardly take his attitude and he has started taking it out on me. Is this just a stage that his son is going through or is it just going to get worse from here?

[astros18]

It is my opinion that a child craves discipline and boundaries in his life. It makes them feel loved and safe. Consistency with your son, because he is that if you live with him, love him and take care of him, is the main thing. You and your boyfriend MUST be on the same page about the raising of his son. As soon as his son sees the conflict, he is going to milk it. Children do what they are allowed to do.

[Aruba417]

"...It's not hard to not get pregnant if you don't want to...How many forms of birth control are there out now?...And if you can't afford it, there's a Planned Parenthood in almost every city. Sorry, no more excuses. So WHY do people still keep getting pregnant? And then they complain, oh poor me, I'm a single parent, everyone bow down to me, feel sorry for me, I couldn't figure out how to use birth control..."

VERY WELL SAID!!!! I TOTALLY AGREE!

"...Why should people who were immature and irresponsible be rewarded, and people who do the responsible thing be punished?!?!?!"

I'VE BEEN WONDERING THIS FOR AWHILE NOW!

[HaleysMomma]

who are you people??  First of all moving in with a father and his son from day 1?  And now your wondering why there are problems? If you are mature and responsible, then relationships with children can certainly work out.  I have a 3 year old daughter and am dating a man with a 6 year old son.  right now our kids think we all just hang out together and it works out well.  they don't see us sleeping together, we keep that separate.  that is how it should be until you decide that this person is going to be there to the end.  These children are not spoiled brats..they are confused!! who knows how many other women/men they have had to see come and go. and by the way I don't feel bad for myself or ask for pity..I only thank God for giving me this beautiful little girl who I love so much, and only hope that everyone can experience the feeling of having a child of their own one day, and feeling the most powerful love that there is.  Yup, I was careless but you know what? Everything is meant to be..and there are MUCH worse things than having a baby single.  There are just as many kids from 2 parent families that are screwed up.  I guess it's easy for me to say this because I happen to have the most beautiful little girl in the world..

[newbie1]

You have some nerve assuming so many things about other people's relationships!  Maybe it is different for you because there are 2 children involved.  My boyfriend's son didn't even want us "hanging out" at first.  I thought that this board was for people to help people get thru different types of situations, not to put people down or to judge people.  I would never have judged you for being a single mom.  And in all honesty, I think that someone that treats another person's child as if they were their own (especially when they don't have children of their own) should be viewed as good people, not people to attack.  Try attacking the people who abandon their children and want nothing to do with them.

[tierdmom]

I just want to say that i have two children from another marriage and I ended it not because i was immature but because he beat me and my children.  I now have a wonderful husband and another child with him and he is the best father my kids could ever have.  Do you really think I should be punished for not making it work with an abusive *** just because we had kids?  My new husband doesn't think so.

[sjnacasale]

The kid is confused...move out of your boyfriends house and let the family mature.  You can screw your boyfriend in private away from the kid.

[conflictavoider]

A related discussion, Child free woman dealing with boyfrfiend's son was started.