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My X husband showers with my 11yr old daughter...
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My X husband showers with my 11yr old daughter...

Is it wrong for my x husband to shower with my 11 yr old daughter?
Is it wrong for him to "help her wash her hair" when she does it herself at my house?  And all he does is put the shampoo on HER HAND for her to wash?  (ie. he doesnt even wash it when he says he does?)
Is it wrong for him to be in the bathroom when she is showering?

How about same questions with my 9 year old son??

And should he be allowed to shower with his sister???


I obviously have views on all of this, but just wanted to check that I wasnt overreacting.
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5 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_n_tn
I would put an end to this asap!! I think it is completely inappropriate for this to be happening. I don't even go into the bathroom when my 8 year old daughter is showering. Is she concerned and uncomfortable about it? An 11 y.o. AND a 9 y.o. are old enough to shower by themselves and should shower alone. Just my opinion.
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Avatar_f_tn
In most Western industrialized societies, there comes a point when prepubescent children becomes more modest and need increased privacy. They don't want their parents (especially the parent of the opposite sex) to seem them nude. There are communities that are very immodest about nudity. Is that true for your community? Has she begun to show signs of bodily changes? Has she expressed an opinion about this? Are there other kinds of interpersonal boundary issues between father and daughter? If you are uncomfortable with it, how does their father respond to you concern? The relational aspect of what is going on needs to be understood in the context of what is happening behaviorally, if you know what I mean.
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13167_tn?1327197724
AussieMum - did you notice anything weird about him when you were married?  Has this only begun since you divorced him,  or has he always been like this?

It's kind of weird.  There are men who think nothing of nudity,  but this seems beyond that.  

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282524_tn?1348492612
i am sorry to say this but how gross can ur ex be?? if i was u i would not let them go to his house. and get it court ordered. no child at that age should be showering with anyone, how sick!!!!!!!!!!!! ur ex needs to find a grown women and not his child. he can and should go to jail for this sh**. do u let this happen in ur home also?
they should be in the bathroom by themselves not with adults. have u thought about what else he could be doing to ur children???????
you need to call child protective services asap!!!!!!!!
good luck
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282524_tn?1348492612
sorry sent to wrong person......to aussiemum
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Avatar_n_tn
HI, I have a 10 yr old daughter and she would be very uncomfortable with that. It is not appropriate.  You should stop it right away.  Also, my daughters dad would be very uncomfortable and would not even think of doing that.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for all of your comments, etc.  And confirming my concerns as legitimate.

I just had to ask because I think it is totally off!  My daughter phoned my up one morning when she was at her dads to tell me she had a sore wee hole.  With her dad out of the room she told me that she had a list of dates that he had showered with her.  She is at her dad's every other week so in a seven day period, it was every day that he showered with her and about twice he "helped her wash her hair" which only meant he squirted the shampoo onto her hand and left her to actually wash the hair herself.  What the hell was he doing in there!  And why is she keeping a diary about this?

I was almost physically sick when my daughter told me about the showering over the phone.  She is so timid, I couldnt believe she told me this, so when she did, I felt that it might be something far worse than showering.

I took her to the doctor that day for examination ("doctor found no evidence of penetration").  I had a private chat with the doctor and she didnt ask my daughter anything to get her to open up - doctor was useless!!  Perhaps in her country that kind of thing is acceptable.  I even went back another time and showed her the diary and she said that I needed to improve my communications with my ex!!!

My daughter is too scared to say anything to him and begged that I dont say anything to him.  He is a total control freak which is one reason i divorced him.  I have taught her some tactics but she is too afraid to say anything.

I sent him an email months ago asking him if he showers with the her and he denied saying he hadnt done that in "ages". (my daughter was 5 when we split up and he had done it when she was younger)

After my daughter told me about it just recently, I asked him about the showering again.  He denied it.  Now I thought either he is lying or she is.

I sent him another email asking him to respect her privacy in the shower.  He did not acknowledge it.

So I asked my 9 year old son without my daughter around and he confirmed it.  Sometimes it is all three in the shower together.  The excuses are hair wash and to save water.

And I have already reported it, rebecca, but the child safety here has failed to act (yet).  I say yet because I have been patiently waiting for them to interview me.  (About 6 weeks now)  We have a court endorsed parenting plan in place which allows 50 50 custody, so I cant just keep her here or i would be in breach.

I have other concerns about him also.  I have witnessed him talking down to her and being sexist, enlisting my son into "ganging up" against her.  When I intervened, he said I had no right to be there (at his house), so I shut up so he wouldnt ask me to leave, as i wanted to be there to protect my daughter.  Being at his house (for an hour or so), as I was, is not a usual occurence.

I need help to know what to do here.  I have been tempted not to release her back to him (for his weekly custody) but that could just make things worse.  If I didnt succeed in gaining custody, then she would have to go back to him, and I am really worried what he might do to her then.  I guess I have just been playing this quiet and then when I get some evidence or wrong doing, then I act.  But that could be too late???

How do I get my daughter to open up to me??  I dont want to put words in her mouth and make her resent/fear her dad if he IS innocent?  I really need to get her to tell me what is or isnt happening.

What should I do??

Pleae help me.
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Avatar_f_tn
Tell your daughter that you don't approve of her father showering with her and suggest that if she feels the same way she should tell her dad no (my 5 year old daughter tells me not to hug her when she wakes up in the morning because she is still half-asleep). Tell your ex that if you have any hint that he has done anything to violate your daughter's privacy (showers included), he is going to have to explain each and every action to a judge. Have your lawyer write his lawyer a letter to that effect and start a legal action in court to get supervised visitation in place. In the US. law guardians are assigned to protect children's legal rights and advocate on their behalf during divorce litigation. Document each and every boundary violation in detail to establish a patterns of behavior.Get your family involved in mental health counseling where these issues could be addressed and where you could get a mental health specialist involved in trying to mediate the situation. Call CPS supervisors and even the oversight directors until you get someone who will listen to you. Threaten to go to the newspapers and media if they don't act in a timely way.
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282524_tn?1348492612
i think u should call the state police and tell them that ur in fear of taking ur childern to the fathers b/c of the things that ur daughter has told u and wrote in her dairy, and also take that with u. this is abuse!!!!!!!!! also tell them that u have call cps 6 weeks ago and nothing has been done yet.
my son was sexual abused by his aunt and i had to go through state police b/c cps wouldnt do anything. and it would also be a good idea to get a lawyer and modifiy custody. if u feel or think that ur children are in danger u have every right to not let them go to there dads. and if he call the police or takes u back to court then u can lay it all out on the table.
please let me know how it goes, i wish u and ur kids the best!!!!!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
I am really very sorry to hear about your sons story.  It must have been very difficult for your family.  I will phone child protection tomorrow to see where they are at.

I will make an appointment to see a counsellor for/with her, so I hope that unearths what is happening.  I would just love to get some more from her, but maybe she just wont tell ME.  A friend said that she may be clamming up because she knows that if it comes out then it will cause a big scene and disruption to her whole little world.  Who knows.

I ended up buying her a mobile (cell) phone before Christmas so that she could contact me.  It really lifted her spirits.  And of course he went balistic!  I have asked her to keep writing anything down that he does to her and bring it to my place when she comes.  

I will let you know how I go and thank you all for your support.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am really very sorry to hear about your sons story.  It must have been very difficult for your family.  I will phone child protection tomorrow to see where they are at.

I will make an appointment to see a counsellor for/with her, so I hope that unearths what is happening.  I would just love to get some more from her, but maybe she just wont tell ME.  A friend said that she may be clamming up because she knows that if it comes out then it will cause a big scene and disruption to her whole little world.  Who knows.

I ended up buying her a mobile (cell) phone before Christmas so that she could contact me.  It really lifted her spirits.  And of course he went balistic!  I have asked her to keep writing anything down that he does to her and bring it to my place when she comes.  

I will let you know how I go and thank you all for your support.
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Avatar_n_tn
Uh, I would deffinantly not let your children go back to his house. If there is something going on that is not right, It is pretty obvious that there is or your ex wouldnt be lying. eveytime you send your kids over there you are knowingly putting them in danger. call the state police, do what ever it takes. you don't need more evidence to protect your children. your daughter is not saying anything because she feels like he can still get to her. He still has access to her so she does not feel safe. I wish you the best of luck.
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377600_tn?1225167036
I actually agree with the doctor.  You made a racist/cultural comment about her.  She found no evidence of abuse.

Why is your daughter keeping dates?

Sounds like you are in a fight with your ex.

I try not to respond to these sorts of posts because usually--a parent is just angry with the ex or has problems with the divorce.

You need to seek some psychiatric help before you traumatize your family further.


I took her to the doctor that day for examination ("doctor found no evidence of penetration").  I had a private chat with the doctor and she didnt ask my daughter anything to get her to open up - doctor was useless!!  Perhaps in her country that kind of thing is acceptable.  I even went back another time and showed her the diary and she said that I needed to improve my communications with my ex!!!
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Avatar_n_tn
Chigirl, You are the one in need of serious psych help! I am a masters degree psychiatric nurse with a specialty in child sexual abuse, 17 yrs experience. You are most definitly wrong. That dr was very unprofessional to not give the moms fears more concern. She should have at least given her some referrals or reported it herself. You can NEVER take something like this lightly, what if it is true?? that child will be ruined forever, trust me. A father showering with an 11 y/o girl is innapropriate, the daughter is probably keeping the log of dates b/c she knows its not ok, and its making her very uncomfortable. to suggest that the mom is the one who needs counseling before "She" ruins her family, just shows your pathetic lack of understanding and ignorance. You probably cannot help it so I shouldn't be rude but pls, Think before you write something that outrageous.
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373034_tn?1204157628
Why are you asking us what we think?  It sounds to me like you are still afraid of your ex.  You are failing your children and your job as a mother.  If I thought my son was being abused I would absolutely not let him go back to the abuser!  

What is wrong with you?  

If your daughter is lying, at least you did your job and protected her.  All I see from you is procrastination after procrastination.  I am glad you are not my mother.

This behavior is obviously innapropriate.  It makes your daughter uncomfortable.  Your son has confirmed the activities.  THE THREE OF THEM TOGETHER IN THE SHOWER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?  You need counseling, parenting classes, and a backbone.  Grow up and be a mother please.  Your children need you.
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377600_tn?1225167036
Smackers,

I was a victim of sexual abuse by a family member.  I am actually a VERY educated person. I have a lifetime of actual experience--and I am well educated in psychiatry--oh--and by the way--I do have a medical background.  

I can read her inconsistencies.  I suggested that she get help for her dealing with her divorce.

So Ms. Smackers--go smack on yourself.


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Avatar_n_tn
I'm a Single father of an 11 year old Daughter and a 9 year old son.  I would not imagine showering my daughter.  That bordelines molestation here in the US!  Discusting and totally wrong.  Your daughter has two arms, two hands, two legs and feet?  Whats the need?

Is he trying to spoil her?  Does he just not know that it's wrong?  That shows your daughter that it's okay to shower with adults?  too liberal for me.

Now for some odd reason my son and daughter alernate nights with sleeping with me.  They have their own rooms!  My mother doesn't like it very much that they do, and tells me I should not let them, especially my daufhter but I don't mind too much.  Well my daughter moves around too much so yes I do mind at times.  

I would wear underware at night up until two years ago...NO MORE...My daughter is too old

I'll walk in to the bathroom to tell my son he's wasting water and to get out of the bath but thats about it, but my daughter?   Come on AssiMum.......  Please do something about it asap.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm not sure what you mean by ---> I would wear underware at night up until two years ago...NO MORE...My daughter is too old.

Do you mean your daughter is sleeping with bed in you while you're naked?
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Avatar_m_tn
I an appalled with your response...that Dr. was wrong for taking such a lackadaisical attitude to this mothers concern..I agree with the poster saying she should file a police report and CPS needs to investigate this yesterday for crying out loud..It is inappropriate for a father to bathe with his daughter after the toddler age..kimo
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