My child's anger

Hello,

My little girl's mother and I have been seperated since the child was one year old.
Since that time our little girl (who is now two years old) is demonstrating a very angry behavior each time it's time for her to leave me and go back to her mother's house. Until the age of 18 months, the baby was crying and screeming the minute it was time to go back to her mother -- However, now that she can express herself verbaly, she simply tells us that she does not want to go back to her mother's house.  I know for a fact that her mother is not abusive in any way, but she is a very busy career woman. When asked why? -- Our baby just tells us that she wants to stay with Daddy. Once at her mother's house, according to her mother, the baby shows a lot of anger and some times gets phisically mean towards her mother by hitting her. This kind of behaivior never takes place while our baby is in my care. I know that our baby's mother love her child and therefore we cannot understand why the baby is reacting this way. We both share joint custody of our child.
Please advise.
Many Thanks,
Joshua

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Mr. Levy,

Assuming that your daughter's mother takes good care of her in relation to meeting her basic physical needs, there may be some subtle aspects of the interaction that are problematic. Children so young will not be able to display insight into their behavior - cause and effect is not something they particularly understand, and they are certainly not introspective by nature. It may be that your daughter is not experiencing sufficent attention/nurturance in her mother's care (you mentioned her mother's busy schedule). Do yu think this might be instrumental in what is happening?

Also, to be frank with you, depending on the specifics of the custody arrangement, it could be that your daughter has too many comings and goings. It's best for young children to have a definite principle residence, where they spend most of their time. This often can be hard for one or the other of the parents, but it's usually best for the child. Equal shared time arrangements are gradually falling out of favor, as we see more and more children who are not doing well with such arrangements.

[DENISE]

I just went through a child custody seminar, and heard there that it is very hard for young children to adjust to the confusion. Also, you may be sending her subtle messages that you like it when she shows that she prefers to be with you. I sort of resent the comment that just because the mother is a busy career woman that she doesn't have time for your daughter. this sounds biased. I assume you also work.

I would suggest that you talk to family court personnel about your daughter having problems adjusting. They can tell you what is normal and why it may be happening. If the can't help you, a psychologist familiar in helping families with young children involved in divorce might be the right avenue.

No matter how much you want your daughter to love you best, it is in her best interest that she feel she has an intact family, even if unique. My husband and I seperated when my son was 15 months. We each show respect and caring towards each other. When we cannot do that, we keep it away from our son.