My friend's two year old is aggressive to my daughter

[Siona]

I have a daughter two and a half years old. I am quite puzzled by the behaviour of this age and to what extent a parent can help without becoming over-protective. My daughter seems to be a gentle child who most often gives up her toys or any toy she is playing with, while she gets told off or even scared by two of her other two year old friends. Is there something that I am doing wrong? I am concerned that her fear or possible insecurity and avoidance of conflict has something to do with my regular arguments with my husband which involve shouting and crying on both parties. We are both trying to keep harmony between us so that our daughter is not exposed to animosity and arguments, but I am afraid sometimes we do quarel with each other. I would like to see my daughter stand up for herself more (as I would, but possibly not when I was a child), I do try to encourage her but don't seem to be succeeding. One girl seems quite aggressive towards my daughter when she comes to visit with her mother. In the space of a couple of hours the little girl will nearly hit my daughter at least four to five times when I look away, either by holding and shaking a small object very close to her face or by shouting and trying to – as it seems to me – to frighten her or put her off. My daughter seems to get quite disturbed and often frightened and runs away from her, but very rarely stands her ground. My feeling is that this little girl is angry and doesn't know yet how to make contact with other children. What worries me is that she is acting like a little bully towards my daughter. Part of me says that parents should try and let their children experience different behaviours and give them some direction, but how far is this behaviour getting? Should I stop meeting up with this mum? Will this mean I am over-protecting my daughter? I have seen this little girl being pushed around by another child and does not dare behave in the same way as she does to my child. My daughter often seems to behave normally with other kids, she is quite open and smiling and is eager to play and co-operate. But at her age I find that she is unusually unselfish and extremely generous, so she only connects with children who are either older or ones who have more emotional intelligence and sensitivity towards others. I wouldn't like to see my daughter being bullied by others and sometimes I do wish that she was a little more assertive.  I am worried that my behaviour is affecting my child, but then I get paranoid that I am too critical or that I am getting confused with my own childhood issues.

[Sandman2]

     Children learn from their parents and peers.  It doesn't sound like your behavior has affected your daughter as much as the parents of the overly aggressive child has affected that child.  Yes, seeking help would be a good idea for your husband and yourself because it will help YOU.  Frankly, if you are always arguing then you haven't solved the problem - so its time to move on.  Good counseling will also teach the rules of disagreement so that you can have discussions without shouting.
    Your daughter is only 2 and a half.  She is too young to learn much of any coping, arguing, self protection skills.  If she feels loved, the other stuff won't matter.  Hug her, pay attention to her.  Yes, your daughter does need to know how to deal with bullies - but not now.  Cut out the other kid.

[margypops]

I would say definatly yours and your husbands behavior is affecting your child, it may be a good thing if you both took some counselling , tell your husband what you have said here and if he loves his child, as it is obvious you do, he will go for help.All forms of shouting and yelling affect a child /make them afraid, please  seek help..